The Demon Who Was My Friend.

Just an interpretation of my own mind. I have a great imagination. Its about how I created a being in my mind without knowing it or understanding it until recently.

Everyone's felt lonely. No one can deny that thought or truth. At some point in life every person will feel lonely or abandoned. What they do when that feeling arises though is not predictable. Sometimes they just call someone or they wallow in self pity. Sad fact is loneliness is a part of life.

 

My loneliness started in my teens which is pretty normal for that age group. There's so much going on at that age that most teens are bound to experience loneliness at some point to various degrees. What was created in my time of loneliness is something that's haunted me ever since.

 

Don't get me wrong I reached out to people. I just got burned over and over. Meaning people left me without a care. I started to give up. That's when he showed up.

 

From the darkest parts of my mind he manifested. He doesn't have any definable features except expressive, wise, and red eyes. Sharp long claws and teeth. Other than that he is a large dark shape with an icy presence. I call this creature a 'he' because it doesn't have any female likeness and his voice is a deep persuasive tone.

 

I didn't pay him much mind at first, other than being extremely scared of him. On the lonely walks home from school he would walk by my side with his icy claws gripping the back of my neck while whispering in my ear. I would have terrible thoughts about disappearing and he would smirk and tell me exactly what I wanted to hear.

 

He would say things like a certain car would be moving fast enough to stop all my misery. But he would have such a tight grip on my neck that I could never take that final step.

 

At nights he would lean over me spitting words I hated hearing. How no one wanted me around. That I was a burden, I was an ugly fool, and what was I crying for? I would always sit in fear for when he would visit me. It wasn't every night but I never liked his visits. They terrified me.

 

Soon he started showing up more and more. During class when people would say cruel things. When I'd see old friends who pretend I didn't exist. His claw was always right there gripping the back of my neck.

 

Whenever I felt like crying he would snarl at me and dig his claws into my skin and tell me how disgusting whoever had made me sad was. How in one second he could shove them just the right way to hurt them. That they were weak. They were ugly. He would come up with all kinds of terrible things to hurt those people but he would always make me walk away somewhere so I could read or nap.

 

When I had confrontations with people who made me feel small and made me hate myself he would dig in and tell me how pathetic I was. That those people don't care about me. That no one did.

 

For a year it went on like this. Then I found a bit of happiness in someone. The Demon as I had generically named him withdrew but I could still hear his breathing somewhere in the darkness. As if he was waiting.

 

Wait he did. For 2 years I was generally okay. Then my life started taking a sharp downhill turn when the person I had found happiness in started destroying me. Friends started once again leaving me. My own family was also once again turning on me as well.

 

He crept out of the darkness one night while I cried in bed and instead of digging into my skin with his claws he put his cold hand onto my head and stroked my hair.

 

One day when things were particularly bad he came out and instead of sinking his claws in me he gripped my shoulder tight. He didn't have to do or say anything. Immediately my sadness started to dissolve. I felt as if nothing could hurt me.

 

At times he would whisper a dark thought or two about someone or something but he mostly just gripped my shoulder and stood by me.

 

I wanted to pull away from everyone. I wanted to disappear. But he wouldn't let go of my shoulder. Never let me do what I wanted.

 

I wanted to be the terrible person I know I can be to those who hurt me. But he never let me. I would scream at him and ask why. His response was a snarl. He would tell me I’m not allowed to do nasty evil things. Only he could be that way. That he would haunt me forever because I'm not allowed to be evil, "you're too weak" he would say.

 

I didn't understand what he meant and resented him and everyone. But just as he said I couldn't bring myself to be mean to someone. I could only forgive them when they asked for it.

 

Once again I started to find my own way. But this time he didn't leave. He stayed silently holding onto my shoulder but never said a word.

 

Until just recently when everything was turned upside down.

 

A person I desperately believed in betrayed me causing me to lose faith in everything. I started to feel numb. I started to look at people as if they were nothing. At work since I was now older I stopped letting people tell me what to do. I was taking control. But terrible thoughts such as hating people were also invading my mind. The Demon didn't like that.

 

He gripped my shoulder tightly this time and sank his sharp claws in. He growled all sorts of insults at me. "Weakling, pathetic, bothersome, and worthless" were just a few. I hated him.

 

No longer did I fear him. I just hated him and I told him so. He laughed at me and told me I hated myself. He told me I was a weakling who hated herself so much that she blamed others for all her pain. That I was too open. That he had to come take care of me because I was too pathetic.

 

That was when I realized something. He was a rotten terrible being. But, he was also my lifeline. As I stared at him he asked me if I understood now how pathetic I was. I told him yes I did. He gave me his snarling grin and told me "we will stand tall together". He said they may all leave you but I will always be right here to keep you walking tall.

 

I had never though such an evil manifestation could be my way of saving myself. I in all honesty am over sensitive and emotional. Things hurt me to a degree higher than most people. I have no control to stop it. This evil creature is my inner strength. Even though it whispers mean things about me to my face they are never lies. This demon strangely does not lie.

 

It grabs out every emotion I feel and throws it in my face until I wipe the tears from my face and stand up. I realized this demon is my best friend. It may tell me the horrible truth but it is always there to point me in the right direction. Telling me I wasn't allowed to be mean to people so that I can still make friends and so I don't ever give up on people. Grabbing me tightly so I couldn't walk out in front of a car. Telling me how much power he and I had to hurt others but always making sure I couldn't and didn't use it.

 

He was helping me build up a thin enough wall so that I could guard my heart better but at the same time still have a heart. The demon shouted horrible things to me so that I could one day grow a thicker skin. He was taking on the role of evil so that I didn't have to become a resentful human being. So that I could go on searching and hoping in life.

 

Some may take this story completely differently. But in my mind this demon, my friend, is a hero. Even now he has a hold of my shoulder but once again he's letting me run the show. He's just being my wall. Silently waiting and watching for the next time he can bare his fangs at me.

Author's Note

Any comments or feedback is welcome and appreciated. I typed this on a phone so please bare with any mistakes. Thank you for reading!