Prologue: Future Tense

      The apartment was empty. Of course, it was going to be. 

      There would be nothing to prevent his access.   

      They would be here any second. 

      He appeared inside a second later. The place remained the same. 

      A slow grin spread. 

      He left everything untouched. A few minor things had been moved - it had been a crime scene - but nothing they would notice.

      Especially not with him there. 

      He strode across the room and looked out. 

      They were outside. His twisted smile broadened. 

      Only a matter of time. 

Reviews

[Lou Briggs]

It's been a while since I've actively commented on WC, so forgive me if my etiquette is slightly off.

In my humble opinion, the first sentence of any piece of writing should be devoid of weak verbs (is, are, was, has, have, had, to be, etc). Like their name states, they are weak, and make writing in general sound juvenile. It's different when it's dialogue, because people, especially modern people, tend to talk in weak verbs (a trait I blame largely on pop culture, lack of education, and social media), but when you're describing something, it's normally best to re-word it.

In this prologue (because it's a wee bit too short to really be considered a chapter, and it barely contains enough information to carry the story to the next level, so to speak), you use weak verbs as a crutch. For instance, you have, I think, 14 or 15 sentences, and you use some form of weak verb 11 or 12 times. One of the absolute best things you can do to clean up your writing to a slightly more professional level is remove the passive phrase.

Also, you have no paragraphs - just new lines. Either indent each line or make an extra space. If you don't it looks cluttered.

The third sentence is unnecessary. I understand you're going for a strength through repetition thing, but it doesn't work. Plus, while a good mixture of long and short sentences generally work to the writer's advantage, all of your short sentences sound a little like a bad action movie - stiff and choppy.

A comment below mentioned a lot of pronouns, and, since both of your characters in this short scene are male, it's super confusing. Introduce a name or a description. The bald man, the fat man, the red headed man, the confused man.

I realize this is a prologue, and this might just be because I haven't read the rest of the story, but this doesn't make sense. It's slightly confusing, but like I said, that might be because it's a prologue.

Hope that helps a bit!

-Lou

[PrincessZeldaWannabe]

Good introduction - definitely makes me wanna read more of it!

.novelists.elite.info.
.display. PrincessZeldaWannaBe
.memberID. 029
.division. III
.division.leader. Vacant
.name. Bee
.username. PrincessZeldaFan
.novels. Sunset On Helheim, Elemental Warrior
.status. Early Reader, Early Writer
.join date. 06-28-11

[Plagued Monumentally]

I really like this length of a chapter. Its building up the suspense for the others to come. I loved the way you captivated the audience in just a simple paragraph. How does such a young girl get to be such an amazing author?

[FemmeSpookyCorpse]

This opening is very intriguing, very exciting...I love it! It makes me want to read more...don't mind if I do = ]

[halflives]

Hm. Good beginning, makes me want to read more :D

[Calypso]

The opening has left me with a sense of amusement and wonder.

[Daydreamer54]

I have a feeling this guy is not good. i wonder what he's planning...

[Venompen]

SO SHORT. Very exciting though. You know immediatly that this a real bad dude, the kind you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.

[w2de35657u687y4324rf]

The excessive pronoun use was hard to follow. I didn't know who thought they were safe, who he sided with or how many 'theys' there were. I suppose it makes it interesting, though =P