Prologue: Future Tense

      The apartment was empty. Of course, it was going to be. 

      There would be nothing to prevent his access.   

      They would be here any second. 

      He appeared inside a second later. The place remained the same. 

      A slow grin spread. 

      He left everything untouched. A few minor things had been moved - it had been a crime scene - but nothing they would notice.

      Especially not with him there. 

      He strode across the room and looked out. 

      They were outside. His twisted smile broadened. 

      Only a matter of time. 

Reviews

[Lou Briggs]

It's been a while since I've actively commented on WC, so forgive me if my etiquette is slightly off.

In my humble opinion, the first sentence of any piece of writing should be devoid of weak verbs (is, are, was, has, have, had, to be, etc). Like their name states, they are weak, and make writing in general sound juvenile. It's different when it's dialogue, because people, especially modern people, tend to talk in weak verbs (a trait I blame largely on pop culture, lack of education, and social media), but when you're describing something, it's normally best to re-word it.

In this prologue (because it's a wee bit too short to really be considered a chapter, and it barely contains enough information to carry the story to the next level, so to speak), you use weak verbs as a crutch. For instance, you have, I think, 14 or 15 sentences, and you use some form of weak verb 11 or 12 times. One of the absolute best things you can do to clean up your writing to a slightly more professional level is remove the passive phrase.

Also, you have no paragraphs - just new lines. Either indent each line or make an extra space. If you don't it looks cluttered.

The third sentence is unnecessary. I understand you're going for a strength through repetition thing, but it doesn't work. Plus, while a good mixture of long and short sentences generally work to the writer's advantage, all of your short sentences sound a little like a bad action movie - stiff and choppy.

A comment below mentioned a lot of pronouns, and, since both of your characters in this short scene are male, it's super confusing. Introduce a name or a description. The bald man, the fat man, the red headed man, the confused man.

I realize this is a prologue, and this might just be because I haven't read the rest of the story, but this doesn't make sense. It's slightly confusing, but like I said, that might be because it's a prologue.

Hope that helps a bit!

-Lou

[Brittany weddle]

an interesting way to start a book.

[idk]

I am loving this book.

[Caradoc]

An intriguing prologue and title. Reading this I'm not sure if the "man" can teleport or just see the future. I will say that it is interesting. It drew me in, making me want to know what was going on. The confusion at this point, for the reader, is the hook that lures them in. Good job.

The fact that the main character of this prologue comes off like a villain is even better. He seems like he's got something nefarious planned and describing him as having a "twisted" smile is a good way to place in him squarely in the "bad guy" tent.

My only complaint is that the indentation seems a little wonky. But I think that's because of the website and not anything to do with you.

I give it a B+.

[.quan.011.]

This is kind of confusing prologue. I like that it has a hint of mystery and I do love a good mystery. I feel like it missing some more detail. Now too much can you give me a little more. Other than that is was a good little prologue. I can't wait to read more and find out who the main character are.

[CT]

While some may complain of the short length, I disagree wholeheartedly. I happen to find that the short, almost teasingly brief foray into this world supplies you with just enough information to tantalize the imagination and make it wonder what events are yet to unfold. The proverbial carrot dangled before the horse's noses, if you will. I'm looking forward to exploring this story further. Good job.

[Shep]

Not much to go on but I liked your story so we will dive into this one and brace ourselves.

[tynamite]

Why would a person enter a crime scene and not touch anything?

[amdc101]

This is so wonderfully written. You tell just enough to make it interesting, but so little that it is just a suspenseful introduction. Well done.

[Arianna]

an interesting way to start the book,
it defenetly has me intruged.
i like it..
novelists.elite.info.
.display. .ana.016.
.memberID. 016
.division. II
.division.leader. Shane
.name. Arianna
.username. nerdypenguin2427
.novels. Sanctuary, Right Side Up
.status. Reader, Early Writer, Role Model
.join date. 04-03-2011