my last night high

this was the night that I gave up three years of sobriety

Do I really want to do this?

give up three years for one night?

why was it so hard to just walk away?

that orange bottle in my hand

those round white pills, 

so inviting

pop off the cap, tip the bottle back

one, two, three

three of them down

grab the next bottle,

this one is white

the pills are long and thin

one, two, three, four

four more pills down

I grab my keys and my book

get in the car, go to get coffee

My boyfriend will be there soon

I sit there drinking 

attempting to read my book

but soon my vision goes blurry

my skin start to crawl

my eyes start to burn.

scratching until my arms bleed.

falling asleep in the corner of the coffee shop,

its been two hours and I can feel myself begin to crash

orange bottle, pop off the top. 

one, two

two more down.

feeling the high come back up I reach for my cell phone

called my boyfriend

he still hasn't left

call my best friend.

he can tell i'm high

he gets my boyfriend. 

they will be here soon.

I cannot drive and the coffee shop is closing soon

I wait in my car, falling asleep. 

knock on the window.

my best friend opens the door

hes disappointed in me. 

he told my boyfriend

who now wont speak to me.

they put me in the back of the jeep

I can feel myself coming down again

I reach for the white bottle, 

one last one down.

they want to sober me up

so we go get food.

I cant eat. 

I run to the bathroom

I vomit hard.

come back and force down some soup

I feel hollow and tired

but the best part is that I don't feel anything else

no more pain

my mind is calm

my body is loose

finally I vomit one more time

I am OK to drive now

they drop us off at my car

my boyfriend and I fight.

hes mad at me

I scared him

I got angry because he doesn't understand my pain

he thinks I did it for attention

he thinks I am stupid

I hate him

I go home and pass out. 

Author's Note

now being 6 weeks sober I reflect on this night often, and I would love to hear from you guys, and answer any questions that you might have.

Reviews

[SuspectGray]

Wow... clearly a poem that comes from experience. I too wrote about addiction...similarities abound. I hope the writing helps you stay clean ( : O )

[Rosegal95]

thank you! It has so far, 7 weeks clean yesterday!

[Daniel Duwa]

Nice piece Savannah keep on the sober trail.

[Rosegal95]

thank you so much!

[Daniel Duwa]

Welcome anytime

[613]

This is so sad, so heartbreaking.

Although I don't know what THIS type of addiction is like, I do understand how hard it is to let something completely go; to tell yourself that you can get through something for one more day. However, if you do the very act you're afraid of doing again one more time, would it really make a difference? Yes, it will. It always does. As the saying goes, "A thousand too many, one never enough."

You're a strong woman! Six weeks sober is amazing! Keep it up! By the way, besides a grammatical error, you did a wonderful job on this poem.

- Brittney

[Rosegal95]

thank you! you are a very encouraging person. :)

[613]

You're welcome! I look forward to reading more from you. (:
I try my best to encourage whoever I can. Life is too short to be wasted on depression, doubts & loneliness. Just remember - if you ever need to talk, I'll surely be here.

[Willard Wells]

Sobriety is a hard road to travel. I am an addicted personality and I bounce around on addictions. I for the most part I am under control The problems I see in treatment is it is always about stopping. While I agree an addict will always be an addict. Smoking is an addiction and 8 seconds after a drag you get your dopamine hit. That's the high you want to feel the rush and ease the pain.

You are not alone, but you must control. You can only go up against the edge of darkness so many times until one day you cross over never to return.

Your writing is to good to let your mind be wasted on drugs. Find your lesser of all evil addictions and keep it close and under control Good luck and thank you for sharing your sober mind. It is the best.

[Rosegal95]

Thank you very much! I appreciate the encouragement. It is definetly hard, and I agree with you on treatment, they teach you how to detox, and they may put you into a group to talk about how you feel, but most of them dont teach you how to cope and live your life WITHOUT the drugs.

[Willard Wells]

I find writing to be good therapy. Stay safe.

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Wow! Growing in a home where sobriety was huge this poem really had a strong impact on me!! Thank you very much for sharing!

[Rosegal95]

thank you! it was definetly a very hard road to go down, and it was aweful for me to give it up for one night. my sobriety has always been everything to me and I gave it up because a man treated me like garbage.

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Yeah I can imagine, hang in there hon, one day at a time.