Last Sound

Which pain is worse? physical, or mental

Blood draining from my side

A thundering, excruciating, tormenting, pounding in my head 

My knees crashing against the floor

My whole body shaking, and twitching

Trying to end the pain

Tsunamis of lightning agony 

Spreading throughout my body

Covered in a thick, dark, red sheet of blood

My eyes blurring with tears

The knife still lodged in my side

My daughter standing a few feet away

Starring with innocent eyes

Not understanding

This image will haunt her for the rest of her life

I try to speak

But my voice is trapped somewhere in my misery 

There's blood clogging in my throat

Like I'm suffocating on death

And everything is beginning to fade away

I try to hold on

But forces unknown won't let me

Somewhere someone is screaming

But even that begins to grow silent

The last sound I hear...

Muffled in the background...

... "Mommy...?"

...but it's too late.

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

I'll crit this as I would any 15 year old. It's very at the surface. Yes, there's pain. Yes, it's haunting and violent. There's no aural motif to speak of, and it gets teen-angsty and a little whiney for my tastes. I see a lot of potential here, but I'm looking at the rough draft, you know? This is the outline, the beginning to the real poem. Try to dig a little deeper with some more sensory details and texture, some phonetic rearrangement and less cliche diction. "Trying to end the pain" is the biggest banality I've read in a while. Sorry. Being honest. For a 15 year old, you're intense. This is my crit coming from an editor's perspective. As a young adult, I'd say you're better than most at your age. Pretty sweet spot to be in.

[Olivia Marie]

What does auril motif mean?

[Rob Santana]

you know what? i just read it again for a second time and I really like it,haha.good job. Looking forward to reading more of your writings

[Rob Santana]

Your only 15 and can come up with words like that?? wow,you have alot of potential to become a really great writer. I like this poem,it's dark and your vocab is good. Keep writing......

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

I agree with maidahl. There is so much potential in this, you could really take it anyway. If I were writing this, I would be excited to edit it! My fsvorite part of editing is adding intense detail. Good work, keep writing!

[Cole Hayley]

This is really beautiful , amazing avtually. I love your word choice and how haunting the piece is, very very beautiful

[Whiskurz]

I thought this was well written....the imagery was fantastic......Whisk

[afra]

awwwww amazing .....keep writing

[Katy Stash]

It will be good as a banner for violence in family it sounds like her husband killed her or something but I like it a lot

[highthought]

This is a scene of crime ( knife and blood ) its well described. after reading few of your poems i ve found that you do bring the reader and let him live the scene