The Crying Cheetah

 Long, long ago, deep in the plains of Africa, there was a bizarre animal walking the forest.

 Her coat was of a scorching gold, and deep, black spots on her warm coat. Light reflected off of her coat, creating a beautifully rare scene for African villagers.

The villagers named this creature the cheetah. It was considered a gift if a villager or traveler spotted the creature, and hunted it down. Since the cheetah had immortal speed, it was incredibly hard to kill it.

One day, the young cheetah was in her cave, just about to give birth to some cheetah cubs. A wise old traveler passed by the cave, and knowing the legend, withdrew his spear. He took some meat from his pack and flopped it down on the cave floor.

 The cheetah was still giving birth, so she didn’t drag the meat to herself. Minutes later, she had 4 beautiful cubs. The young traveler watched the cheetah and became angry as the cheetah was not falling for the trap.

 The traveler bounded into the cave and shot his spear for the cheetah, but it bounced off the wall and hit the second cub. The cheetah quickly stood up at her cubs defense. She flipped the newborns onto her back while the traveler grabbed his spear. She bit down on the travelers hand, then sprinted away.

 Once she was far enough away from the traveler, she concealed her cubs and held the murdered cub close. She sobbed until the full moon. When the full moon arose, she dug a ditch with her paws and buried and covered the cub.

 When she woke up the next morning and went down to the stream to drink, her reflection looked different. Then, she realized what it was�"she had black stripes going down her eyes vertically.

 The cheetah thought it must have been because she cried so hard last night. From then on, every cheetah born had the black lines going vertically down their face from the cheetah that changed the history of big cats. 

This is how cheetahs get their mysterious black stripes going down the sides of their nose, and their incredible speed comes from escaping the traveler’s clutches.

Author's Note

This is a fairytale that came to me during class, and I'm entering it into the 2011 Annual Fairytale Contest. Criticism is welcome, as well as simple reviews. Tell me anything wrong with this piece.

Reviews

[Rachel]

This is a very creative piece of writing that helps to answer the question of how and why cheetahs have the black markings under their eyes. Thank you for the story. #LRWP2018

[OpMister]

The story behind this piece is captivating, and although it isn't really a full fairy tale - it does sound like a myth or fable that would be told to children. It does need some polishing when it comes to sentence flow, and punctuation. I would suggest reading it out loud, or even having google read it for you to help you hear any of the awkward parts.

Another suggestion is maybe just a bit more detail. I'm left wondering how the female cheetah managed to carry all four cubs away while being attacked.

Lastly, maybe instead of an old traveler (someone that would be fairly easy to escape from), try using a young warrior of some sort. This would make it much more exhilarating because then she would truly have to do her best to escape.

Overall I enjoyed the story. From now on when I look at a picture of a cheetah I'll most likely think of this. :)

[silverfox]

Amazing idea, just seems to need some polishing and refining :)

[Lindie]

A wonderful story. I agree it seems like a fable that would be passed down orally for hundreds of years rather than conjured up from a vivid imagination today. It's quite a skill to convey a sense of timelessness. I think the last sentence might be easier to read if separated into two. I like this story very much. Thank you.

[Oriolegrrl]

I would change Last night to the night before- less awkward. Good imagination.

[3rd Chance]

This has the air of a fable around it, instead of a short story. Though instead of a moral lesson, it tells a story of origin, of how things came to be. A beautiful tale that is rare in a world where science and logic now explain everything. Well written.

[writingcrazy55555]

Excellent, cute story!!! Very descriptive and well told! Loved reading it! Please write some more! :)

[BP Barwick]

Here's a few things I noticed:

"One day, the young cheetah was in her cave, just about to give birth to some cheetah cubs" -- You don't need to say what she was going to give birth to: it is safe to assume a cheetah will have cheetah cubs.

"The traveler bounded into the cave and shot his spear for the cheetah, but it bounced off the wall and hit the second cub." -- You don't shoot spears, you throw them.

"When the full moon arose, she dug a ditch with her paws and buried and covered the cub." -- Buried and covered is redundant.

Its a nice fable, has the sound of a story that would actually be told in the back country of Africa to explain the stripes on a cheetah's face. Nicely done.

[Susanna F]

This is such a beautiful, bittersweet fable. I love cheetahs. There are a few awkwardly phrased sentences, such as "she didn't drag the meat to herself." I would have written, "she didn't eat it," or "she paid no attention to it." But if you read it aloud, you can easily spot the clunky parts. Great job overall!