My Fault

The word ‘friend’ has always confused me. What does it take to become a friend? Is it any different to have a friend? Is there some special boundary that you need to pass to officially be called a friend? I used to think a friend was simply someone you like being with, someone you care about. Now? Now, I’m not so sure.

 

It was barely a week ago when my friend ditched me. I don’t use that word often. In fact, this is probably the first time I used it. It has a strange feel and conveys an alarmingly wide range of emotions. Foremost would be regret, I would think, followed very closely by sorrow. Don’t think that they are the same things. They’re not. When you’ve experienced it, you’ll know.

 

Well, this friend of mine, she was…she was…I can’t quite describe her. After you’ve known a person for a long time, physical features don’t matter anymore and you forget them. Whenever someone asked me about her, I would just reply, ‘She is Elli.’ Simple and true. And I think that’s how I will describe her now. As Elli.

 

Elli was the kind of friend you placed all your trust on. She never let you down, she kept all your secrets and she was the person you would go to when you needed someone to hold your hand. And the best thing was, Elli was my friend…and I guess that sentence probably tells you the most about my story. She was my friend. Not anymore. And I don’t even think it was her fault.

 

Elli had been my friend since I was two. We did everything together. She came early in the morning and would always stay for dinner. Never ate much though �" her plate looked just as full when she had finished. Maybe that’s why mum liked her so much �" because she never ate much of our food. Well, at least mum used to like her. She doesn’t anymore. Maybe that’s why she went away.

 

But probably not. I really should stop blaming everyone else. It was me. Always me. I drove her away, I think. I can just see it now. I spent less and less time with her, ever since mum decided I needed more psychiatry sessions and I started high school. I got busy…but that’s no excuse, no matter what anyone says. A friend’s more important. I should have known that. I did. And still, I let her go.

 

 I keep trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong �"where I went from distracted to negligence. I don’t think I can. It happened so slowly, degrading one small piece at a time, so tiny you don’t even notice its absence. I guess one day she finally decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. She didn’t want to prolong the pain. And she gave up. Because of me.

 

It’s so strange how you never appreciate something until you’ve lost it. Elli was my friend. She was my best friend, my twin soul. And now it’s as though I lost a limb. No, even worse, it’s like everything that matters is gone �" my heart, my soul.