Fairy Lights

It's half 2 in the morning and I FINALLY changed the batteries in all the fairy lights around my bed. So I wrote this and posted it straight away. Whether I will regret that decision... We'll see.

The lights in my room
Are strung in constellations
Between pale wooden bedposts

They guard me with white and purple
Shields
Through the hours I succumb to sleep

I keep them alight
They survive only as long as
I take care of them

They draw their power from me

Rubbish piles in the corner
Of my room
A pile of washing

That should not have been ignored
Two weeks ago
Has spread its reach across the carpet

A sea of thread and fabric
That laps against the cliffs
Of the furniture

Spreading day by day.
An ashtray island
Breaks the surface in the centre

As the ocean spreads
The lights grow dimmer
I have no energy to share.

I change the batteries.

They shine out
They keep me safe
They wake me up.

The oceans subside
The island is vulnerable
It's inhabitants scattered in darkness

A black bag scavenges
The bones of meals
The piles are devoured

The batteries will die again
I know, I can face that fact.
But always, I'll find the will to change them
To drive the darkness back.

Author's Note

Be ruthless, I want to get better and I value any criticism!!!

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I love the way you start out this story in a childlike way, but when we get to the dirty laundry (brilliantly depicted), it becomes clear we're dealing with some flavor of lunatic here. I love oddballs who own their oddities with pride and even a distinct lowgrade rumbling fervor, which is what I'm catching from your narrator. I'm amazed that you were picky on my poem over a couple of stretchy rhymes when your style does not strike me as coming from a person with a meticulous streak. Just an observation. I'm not here to be ruthless, I'm just having fun (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[PatrickPink]

Thanks for your kind words! Believe it or not, the lunatic in the poem is me haha! And it's lovely to hear that there is a distinctive narrative voice, as conveying that is something I feel I struggle with! I apologise for coming across as picky, it's just when I review, I try to find things that can be improved as well as what is already strong within the piece! It's really the only way any of us can become better writers. But youre right, it's a tad hypocritical of me to pick up on rhyming when it's a technique I use so rarely myself! Thanks for reading, I really do appreciate it

[barleygirl]

Many freestyle poets on this website are "down" on rhyming. They only tolerate my obsession & humor me becuz I'm old & disabled . . . *smile*

[PatrickPink]

I promise I have no issue with rhyming, I just struggle with it a lot so I tend to avoid it haha! Don't put yourself down sunshine, your work is impressive, and trust me, its easier to critique someone else's rhyme than to produce your own, I'm living proof of that haha

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Once again you provide a graphic depiction with a mixture of what feels like 'blue night writing' (in the early hours/insomnia) and descriptive metaphors. Love the lapping fabrics against the furniture cliffs!

[Gerald Parker]

This is one I'll allow - it's slightly poetic with a soupçon of metaphor like an English wine.

[PatrickPink]

Well, thank you for allowing me to consider this poetry.

[likesgreeneggsandham]

Once again a beautifully constructed poem. I enjoy your honest and refreshing use of metaphor, I could give this one a few reads to truly read into all of them.

[PatrickPink]

I suffer from an overuse of metaphor normally, so I'm happy it came across well this time! Your reviews are so helpful, thank you again!

[Jade]

love the last two stanza's...This is a really well written, descriptive write.
I am not good at criticism, so I give out comments.
This is very good.

[PatrickPink]

I'm just happy people are reading the poems to be honest, thank you for taking the time out to say such kind things!

[John the Baptist]

This has the sound of depression. Don't let it go on.

[PatrickPink]

I'm glad that point came across as intended. Thank you, however, I am coping!