ECCLESIA: Episode Zero: "Rise"

ECCLESIA: Episode Zero: "Rise"

A Chapter by Christoph Poe
"

This is my new first chapter, which is actually the ending on the book, however, there's still a lot that's not explained so don't feel like its going to ruin it.

"
ECCLESIA

Episode Zero: "Rise" (Prologue)

The world collapsed one pillar at a time. The Final Surrage was only the beginning of a series of tragic events according to the Suns that circled a wide sky. The Sun that rose in the east beamed as the brighter and earlier star and marked the beginning of a thirty minute gap for the dim west sun to follow. I once paid them little attention for they were meaningless to me in all ways except the telling of time, but now I marveled at them and their dim glow, their troubling beauty and life a representation of unanimous beings that I had yet to comprehend.

"Kaze," I called the name of my last and closest friend. "Do you really believe what your sister explained to us?"

The wind whispered a strange lie as Kaze finished collecting water from the red river, commonly referred to as the Scarlet River, and the only river to my knowledge that ran wild throughout the known land.

His false smile came and went. "Serenity, all we can do is pray that things make sense one day."

The wind followed Kaze as he sped passed me, my eyes following him into the single roomed cabin at the rivers edge. He slammed the door just as troubled, if not more, than I by the accusations his defiant sister had made. I wrapped my arms around my chest, and turned my attention to the river for a distraction. It's copper banks shriveled at the horizon with a stream of deep green leveled above it. The large volume of water, its surface full of rippling detractions of the red and orange stones at its bottom, weakly pulled me in its direction like old magnets no longer capable of gripping a metal surface.

My eyes hardened to a gray spec of movement just beyond a protruded stone. The pit of my stomach shrunk, and my heart thudded the drums of my ears, taking off to the cabin. I slammed the door behind me, Kaze's eyes growing as the spark of a small fire grew in the midst of leaves and twigs within the fireplace.

"What's wrong?" he asked with the fire-starting stones in hand.

"No!" I yelped, and ran. "Put the fire out, now."

Kaze grabbed the pail, and dumped the water into the pit. "What's wrong?!" he rose with wide eyed.

I pointed out a tiny window sheathed in white. "There's someone or something across the river."

Kaze pealed back a corner of the curtain, and silence followed. I shrieked within my head, my arms still crossed, waiting for him to come back to me with alarming news, then he said while his face was still against the window: "I don't see anyone."

"Keep looking," I urged him with my hand. "There was someone over there."

He let the curtain down, the simple lace waving still. "Are you sure it wasn't a Wind Hound or some other animal? I've been seeing a lot of them lately."

Considering Wind Hounds were indeed gray, I explained: "Well, it was gray. But weren't some of the soldiers wearing gray armor?"

Kaze became silent and expressionless, his arms held out. "Do you feel that too?" he asked with a jerk to his sharp jaw.

I squeezed my arms together, throwing my hair across my neck, and thought: "Feel what?"

Two legs of a chair sitting beneath the dining table began to rise. Following it a wooden cup rose, it's contents pouring out and bubbling within the air. My shirt began to rise, and the locks of my hair knotted into the air as if an outburst of static had shocked me. The wood in the walls creaked, and moaned under a huge amount of stress. My insides turned as Kaze jumped to grab me, cursing.

The floor crumbled and fell up while the walls were still hardly moved. My legs gave out once the floor struck the souls of my feet, and I screamed: "Kaze!"

Dust clouded the room as glass shattered, and wood splintered. I watched the greenery through the broken cracks and holes of the cabin where it once sat in the shade of the wild vanish, blur, and disappear.

The cabin turned over, and I slid on my backside to a corner, my bare skin burning against the wood floor. I screamed helplessly.

"Sere!" Kaze called me. I didn't have time to respond, the force of movement pinning me against a wall. I struggled for breath while glancing out a glassless window, the outside world turning blue, then the red of the Scarlet Rivet blurred. The blue of the sky came, then a flash of sunlight, then red. Blue, Sun, red, blue, sun, red, my gut crumbled and churned as the adrenaline filled my veined and sped up my heart.

Red, red, and more red water came heavy and more closely as we stopped spinning. Gravity vanished and the g-forces of the spin were no longer an issue. My arms and legs became light, my shirt fell up to my chest, and the impact followed abruptly.

Pain could not be worried with at the moment my body as well as every other loose object collided into the same wall. I gasped and pushed myself up as water rushed through the wall beneath me. "Kaze!" I screamed. His body sat beneath the surface of a small table, lifeless just an arms length away from me. The water rose to my elbows, Kaze caught beneath the water.

I flipped the table over, and held his face above the water. He suffered a gash across his cheek, but it was nothing severe. "Kaze!" I screamed again with shaking bursts of panic in my voice. "Wake up!" I shook him. "Wake up!"

The water held us afloat as the mangled structure sank. I lost everything as I pulled his loose body against mine, weeping, shaking, wet, and cold. I wiped his hair back out of his eyes, and saw no signs of life, no signs of movement. The water droplets beneath his nose failed to move in the heat of his breath, and his mouth was slightly ajar.

"Don't go," I pled with heavy eyes. "Please don't leave me too." My finger tips clenched to his white shirt, and I pushed my cheek against the blood of his. "No," I called and called....


© 2013 Christoph Poe


Author's Note

Christoph Poe
It's obviously not finished, but I write from my phone and need somewhere to save it. Thanks for viewing!

My Review

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Featured Review

⊰ℛℛ⊱
This is an unusual story and you have great command over the vocabulary describing the effect of reversed gravity. Honestly, if this were me, I would hang on to something that I know is connected to the ground, like the side of a stone fireplace.

I'm a little confused as to what is causing the gravity shift, however ?


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

10 Years Ago

I consider myself a bit of a teen writer and keep dialogue and always simple to understand.
read more
Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

That makes perfect sense, and I'll definitely go back to throw those details in. :) Thos will probab.. read more
dw817

10 Years Ago

The simpler and easier the ride you can make for your readers, at least I feel, the better it will b.. read more



Reviews

Seemed like it could be a great story, but I could never get a clear picture. The first paragraph didn't seem to fit the rest.

Posted 10 Years Ago


a riveting story - if this is the ending it is climactic and would be a great cliffhanger for a second installment. A good start to the end.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

Thank you for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
Alright, so first recommendation: WRITE EVERYTHING FROM YOUR PHONE because this was so sick I vomited (I'm coining that, by the way). Seriously dude, you're ON to something here. I mean, just brilliantly done. The action was mind-blowing. A spinning cabin... WHO KNEW!? And I freaking NEED to know who the guy in gray was. Like, badly. I'm blown away; this is even better than the other two I've read so far.

Okay, thoughts as I read:

"...according to the Suns that circled a wide sky." I've thought this every time and not commented on it, but I feel like that sentence could do without the "that circled a wide sky." I feel like it should be "the wide sky," but even then it feels like too much for some reason... which is weird because like 80% of my sentences are run-ons lol.

"...unanimous beings..." ... "anonymous?"

"...my last and closest friend..." That sounds like all of her other friends died or broke ties with her. If that's what you meant, then sweet, but otherwise, maybe just "my only friend" or something. Also, in that same paragraph, you might at least consider going with something more like "what your sister said" instead of "explained to us," just sounds more conversational imo.

"The wind whispered a strange lie..." Beautifully written, but I would have liked some expansion on it. Otherwise it kind of feels like it's in there solely to sound elegant.

"It's copper banks..." No apostrophe. Also, maybe consider a word like "withered" instead of shriveled in that same sentence. Otherwise it makes me think of something that's been sundried like a prune or beef jerky. I guess it could work for a river bank, but you already told us it's full of water.

"...and my heart thudded the drums of my ears..." I think you're missing a word here, but you might just go with something like "my heart thudded in my ears" for a simpler flow... maybe ;-P Also, you never told me what was "taking off to the cabin" (obviously it's Sere, but grammatically it appears that it's her heart).

Also, where's Sere running to when Kaze lights the fire? I thought she was inside the cabin, which I envision as fairly small. Maybe she just backs away or something?

"he rose with wide eyed." Either "eyes" instead of "eyed" or comma instead of "with."

"I pointed out a tiny window sheathed in white." Maybe "framed" or "bordered" instead of "sheated." That would seem to imply that the pane itself is in some kind of white envelope, if you will.

"...filled my veined and sped up my heart." should be "veins."

"Red, red, and more red water..." That read a little strangely; maybe just "More and more red water..." also the "came heavy" part felt a bit awkward. Maybe just "...rushed violently into the cabin as our spinning slowed," or something.

"Pain could not be worried with..." That's a dangling something-or-other. Should be "I could not be worried with pain..." You might notice in my writing I tend to lean on the word "hardly" like a fat crutch in similar sentences. "I could hardly be worried with pain..."

"The water rose to my elbows, Kaze caught beneath the water." I already know it's water, so maybe pronoun substitution for the repeat.

" I lost everything as I pulled his loose body..." lost all of what? Her pride, luster for life, material belongings (which wouldn't make sense... she already lost all of those ;-P), or what? Also, maybe "limp" instead of "loose?"

"My finger tips clenched to his white shirt..." I would either go "clung" instead of "clenched" or take out "to."

On that last line, I would consider just "No..." I think it would be more dramatic, but I could just as well be horribly wrong ;-P

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

You always give the best reviews! Lol. Thanks once again for checking out my work.

I de.. read more
⊰ℛℛ⊱
This is an unusual story and you have great command over the vocabulary describing the effect of reversed gravity. Honestly, if this were me, I would hang on to something that I know is connected to the ground, like the side of a stone fireplace.

I'm a little confused as to what is causing the gravity shift, however ?


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

10 Years Ago

I consider myself a bit of a teen writer and keep dialogue and always simple to understand.
read more
Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

That makes perfect sense, and I'll definitely go back to throw those details in. :) Thos will probab.. read more
dw817

10 Years Ago

The simpler and easier the ride you can make for your readers, at least I feel, the better it will b.. read more
Interesting, I wait to see more. :3

Posted 10 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Chris, I'm a little confused at this being the prologue but the ending of your book...is it like an epilogue that you just wrote down quickly? Or is there a lot of changes that you are making towards Eccliesia and you haven't finished with it yet?

Anywaaaays, you've really improved your writing. It is so detailed that I'm beginning to read it like how I would watch a movie :) I especially loved how there was a sense of a climax in this chapter. First its all calm and serene with the details of the sun and then the sudden movement really grasps the readers attention that obviously some action is going to escalate. And the way you described how the house was picked up and how Kaze and Sere sort of were lifted and tumbled around was a really neat scene.

There were some gaps of course since you haven't finished writing this yet but after reading your chapters I'm confused about the character development..still not sure if you've changed anything in your story yet but as I said before, Sere is a human and its sort of like this Big Deal to be human and not something "magical" but yet you have Kaze who is also human and that is also a Big Deal because she hasn't met any one who is human yet. I'm not sure if this is important to your story. What is your theme in the your book? That even ordinary people versus extraordinary people can stand up and defeat evil? Or is love one of your themes? Is it having courage to do something extraordinary when your ordinary?

Posted 10 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

Ya know, Now that I think about it, this is an epilogue. Not a prologue. Lol.

I've got.. read more
Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

And no, it's not quite finished. I'm currently thinking if a strategy to end it to smoothly run into.. read more
Katiya K

10 Years Ago

Haha oh I see! That would make more sense then haha.

Buuuuut, interesting! I can't wai.. read more
Zero-G house is one way to kill a dude. I approve of this method, though I don't know why it happened.

I'm noticing a lot of 'wind' things in this chapter - is that a theme of the book or the setting or just coincidence? I like that little detail of her shirt falling up, gives a sense of the distorted nature they're in the middle of at the time. It doesn't feel finished, but you said that in your note.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

Thanks for reading! Yeah, the Wind is a big key factor throughout the novel, and I talk about it a l.. read more
First, did you call your character "Wind" really? I speak Japanese but not fluently nor read it but I know enough if people ever talk behind my back in their language that I would understand what they are saying to me. Just wondering because it's interesting how you have that name, plus then I thought of kami kaze or kamikaze both are applied in this way by the way.

I think the flow of the characters are indeed amazing. They create a certain sense of mystery, especially calling it episode zero. It creates a lot of questions and it helps to create an establishment which is presented. Honestly I thought you were going to name it, "Pilot" since it is Episode Zero but "Rise" makes it better than the lack of the word "Pilot" because it gives meaning to what's going on the story. It gives an uplift of what Kaze and Sere is going through. Especially now that Kaze has been hurt(?). Episode zero is of course where we start from the bottom to get to where we go in the current one.

Thank you for the sharing. Have a good night :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

That's where I got the name, yes, but I'm probably changing the spalling of it to 'Kayze' so people .. read more
Zero_Edge88

10 Years Ago

No don't change it bro lol! Sorry about the bro part but really don't. It helps establish that when .. read more
I'm glad that you said it's not finished in "Author's Note" because I was thinking, before I scrolled down and seen your note, Sere better have some sort of healing power because Kaze better not die I would be totally devastated. This is fantastic though. There is more of the world that I want to know shining through but like you said there is still a lot not explained. My favorite part about your writing is when you describe something. It makes things come alive which in return draws the reader in. When you wrote, "He suffered a gash across his cheek, but it was nothing severe." I was a little disappointed because of your ability to beautifully describe things. I guess I was expecting you to describe the gash kind of like this, "He suffered a gash across his cheek, a bright red against his pale skin, but it was nothing severe." Or something along those lines. I haven't read the other chapters since you have edited them so I am going to do that and am highly looking forward to it. Fantastic and I really hope that you publish this when you're finished because I want to read the whole story.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Krystle Lewallen

10 Years Ago

Yes, but you can't talk like that. It's your work and you have put a lot of time and thought into it.. read more
Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

More than likely, I'll probably harass the s**t out of those bigger publishing companies until they .. read more
Krystle Lewallen

10 Years Ago

That's good, I can see already that there are a lot of people who want to know more. Go for what you.. read more
I am not a person to write long reviews, but I will try. Honestly, I can not review your vocab and the variety of your words. I need this type of help.
Well, what can I say, each time a person rewrites the story, it obviously gets better. I may say the same about you. Your style and the style of other writers differs from mine. I may assume that I was educated by the Russian standards and I see literature differently. We were taught that the poem must always contain rhyme, the story must always be clear to the reader.
Combining American and Russian ways of "How to write a good story" I designed my style of writing.

Okay, THe thing that came into my mind right away, do not think that I am toooooo critical, put the episodes in the right order. I thought like what is happening here? Do the events even connect to the episode 2?
Now, I may say, that everyone here is great and has his own project of the life. Definitely go and finish it. The story is more interesting than I expected. First time when I saw you novel I was like "Meh, what's that? Okay, whatever." Now I am in deep in your story, thanks for a read request.

The sad thing is that I can not physically write a good review. My language ability is not that developed, I still struggle with my vocabulary, but how can a person be reviewed if he does not make reviews?
So I try my best, and even if I can not give you a valuable advice on your development, I am definitely subscribed and your permanent reader,
~Peter

Posted 10 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

It's funny that you bring up how it may look 'ehh, what's this?', because I'm worried that that will.. read more
Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

I forgot to clarify that the reason they're out of order is because I uploaded the prologue last. I .. read more

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Added on July 22, 2013
Last Updated on July 22, 2013


Author

Christoph Poe
Christoph Poe

Tuscaloosa , AL



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