ECCLESIA: Episode One: "Alibi"

ECCLESIA: Episode One: "Alibi"

A Chapter by Christoph Poe
"

If you enjoy background music, this is the song I've listened to religiously to set the mood for my first chapter. http://youtu.be/MYr1YXnIKPk

"
ECCLESIA:
Episode One: "Alibi"

"I lived in a time alien to the real world,

"A time blind,

"Colorless,

"And jaded.

"Later I discovered a time that could organize my hardships

"In a life worth living a million times over.

"And so,

"That time is,

"Ecclesiax2-1,476,

"The year of pure winter."

We stayed in a cabin just on the outskirts of the village despite my father's occupation as a member of the Village Council. We could easily have lived among the high class community, but my parents chose a different path, an easier low-class trail off in the country-side. I looked upon my parents relationship as beautiful, their methods on caring for my sister and I equally perfect. I never saw myself or my sister as attention seekers, though my sister once threw a tantrum in the market place when my father forbade her a new dress. She hardly left a mark on society though; she didn't stand above a crowd--not on the same levels that I did.

Snow filled the crevasses of the windows, falling heavily on a late evening. I listened to my parents and a neighbor discuss me as if I didn't exist, laying in the heat of a fireplace right before them in the living quarters floor.

Mrs. Pert asked my mother: "Her hair is gorgeous, who mixed the hair dye?" I recall her flamboyance as a nuisance.

My mother and father looked upon each other hesitantly. "Her hair is not colored; it's natural," my mother responded politely.

Our neighbor raised a brow, and continued: "And you say she is human. You've noticed no strange phenomenons?"

The woman's eyes sat heavily on me as I bathed in the light of the fire, a wooly rug beneath my belly. I stretched a strand of my bangs across my face and observed the color. The dark blue was as natural to me as breathing: it never crossed my mind that it attracted so much attention.

My father placed his glass of wine on the coffee table. "We've noticed nothing unusual yet. She's only ten years old. She has a few more years."

I focused on the strands of hair as I twisted them, the adults but a twinkling blur in the background.

"Do you not remember when you first discovered your abilities? There should be signs somewhere by now, even at ten years old." Mrs. Pert explained.

My mother rested her hands and shook her head. "I'm afraid there's nothing but the color of her hair. She'd be the first human on my side of the family in generations."

My mothers words alarmed me. In a child's eyes, being 'different' was not only exciting, but equally terrifying.

A few days passed as me and only my mother were home waiting for my father and sister to arrive from the marketplace. She read her book. I had seen her reading it so many times, and regretfully wished I could remember the title, but it didn't take much for me to break her from it.

"Why am I human?"

Mother closed her book, and turned her gaze to me. She combed her hair with her fingers for a moment, and then patted the couch for me to come sit beside her.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. "We're all human. You eat and I do too." The resonance of her voice eased me. "I breathe the same air you do. What is there not to understand?" She looked down upon me, but I could not stare directly back.

"Mrs. Pert said I was Human, and you said that I'd be the first born in your family in a long time," I repeated the conversation for a more direct question.

Her concentration trailed off. "Yes!" she shook me. "Yes, you will be the first Human born in many years in my family." And her smile warmed me just as strongly as her optimism did. "But you're not the only Human. There are others like you."

I revolted quickly: "Others with blue hair?"

"No, baby, not everyone has blue hair," she laughed, and I didn't entirely understand it at first. "You're the only person I know with blue hair, Human and Non-Human."

The facts came to make sense within time. My mother apparently sugar-coated them, because what she should have told me was that I was one of the few people in the village who was not born with abilities, and once I learned of my helplessness, my father even revealed less and less of his talents around me.

--Ecclesiax2-1,478--

At twelve years old, if I had no signs of abilities then I would more than likely never develop them. As if I was born without legs or arms--possibly both--my family began to hide themselves around me, and do things as I did.

Later one evening, my mother laid in her bed suffering a mild headache. My father, my sister and I assumed her role as the cook. I fetched from across our dirt road a bucket of water from the neighborhood well. I left my father attempting to strike a fire in the oven using the friction between two stones, but if they had at all been used, the stones had sat in the cupboard for many years.

I stood by the well and watched him curse and struggle through the kitchen window. He possessed an ability to create fire upon will, and refused to do so because of me. I was grateful to have such an amazing father, though watching my family suffer due to my lack of abilities became difficult to bare. I took the pail of water to the kitchen, sat it on the counter, and with my father paying little attention to me, I snatched the stones from his hands.

In attempt to cover up the compassion behind his actions, he said: "I need those to start the fire." He rose from the pits of the oven, and kept a stern yet solemn expression from behind his knotted beard.

The tension forced my sister to halt her preparations for the dinner table and leave the room.

"Father, you don't need these. It's obvious what you're doing, and I'm telling you that it doesn't matter anymore." Though, it did, but I'd never show it.

I wasn't as convincing as I hoped. He glared at me, but I glared back, and our attempts for intimidation grew to suffocating levels. "Give me the stones or you won't be eating." His brow bent across the gentle stare of his eyes, and the nostrils of his nose flared.

I left him one of the two stones, and fled out the back door.

He screamed my name: "Sere!" (sair)

A Cloro Tree hung over me as I rested on a rotting bench. The stone met its fate as I tossed it far into the thick wood line, passed the bent posts of the fence, and into a dark cloud of brush. With no remorse to my actions, I leaned back and propped myself on my arms, the wood of the bench rough and prickly on my palms.

The wind blew. The leaves whistled and howled. The limbs bent. The grass grew slightly and unnoticeably with heavy bundles of white, gold, and red flowers bending their stalks. The clouds shifted at the horizon, plummeting into a higher atmosphere like molten rock exploding at the ocean floor. The Cloro tree bowed to the wind like the fit gentleman he was. His arms waved to flash beams of light across my cheeks, and I'd occasionally squint.

My father and mother used to sit on the bench and tend to my sister and I as we played in the dirt...the sandy pit now diminished to a dry spot of gravel while wild plants grew around and took it over. Now, I sat at the bench where my parents sat, and stared at the remainder of my childhood, when problems were took on much more optimistically and were easily forgotten.

"You know this isn't easy," my father placed his hand on my knee. "You're different, and there's nothing wrong with that."

I appreciated his blunt attitude he often used on me, but despite what I should have expected, I winced at his words. "You, Mother and Lorri don't have to feel sorry for me," I said. "I'm perfectly fine. I feel like something is wrong with me when you hide yourself."

My father exhaled and turned his head. "I suppose you're right."

"I am?!" I whiplashed.

"You are right," he spoke while smiling.

I nodded my head, and gave in to him. "I miss seeing your fire. I haven't seen it in so long."

He flipped his hand, his knuckles painlessly jarring into my calf.

"You mean this?!" he asked as the heat waves barreled from his palm, bending the light, blurring the grass behind it. A tiny miss-constructed spark died. I flinched at the pop, and following came a strong flame the length of his index finger. My first smile was weak, a mere twinge at the corner of my lips, but when he rose to his feet, I couldn't help but to beam.

He spun his arm with a wheel of white fire following it. He then thrusted his palm into the air as a string of flames twisted into the sky, whipping the wind.

"That's what I miss!"

I continued to lean myself across the bench, and waited for the flames to dissipate and fade away nonexistent.

He sat beside me once again. "Your mother and I are sorry for doing this to you."

The cabins at the horizon flooded my visual concentration, specs of people moving across their yards. A brown horse kicked and stomped at his trainer. I responded to my father: "You're sorry for being amazing parents?"

"How did I raise you to have such a great sense of judgment?!" he jerked his head humorously, as my mother would often do.

My father often stood beside me before my mother did. We kept a typical father daughter relationship, and I found nothing wrong with that. Considering I was Human, I may have depended on him more, and he may have taken higher means to protect me. He may have even loved me more than my sister, but that was an unquestionable accusation.

Time fluttered by to the year Ecclesiax2-1,482.

At sixteen, my sister walked down a white carpet to meet the man she'd spend the rest of her life with. My parents, and I sat in the front row distraught by her departure into a new life. The ceremony was assembled outdoors, passed the edge of town with nothing more than the natural world surrounding us. The canopies of trees hung green patches across a sherbet sky, shadows patched across the man rows of seats behind me. Her dress trailed down an old plight of stone stairs like white water frozen in time, polished stones of bright browns and gold hanging around her neck and waist. Her hair rested naturally across her bare backside with curls at the tips identical to mine. She had my fathers mashed nose, and my mothers pail skin. She'd smile for a few moments, and then quickly turn serious. I held my composure despite her lack of control over the joyous moment in her life.

I convinced myself I wouldn't miss her, and even though some memories were more negative than others, continuing life at home without her would be difficult. We once fought over a toy in the living quarters floor. I recalled the anger and devastation I felt when my mother took it from me and handed it to Lorri, and Lorri knew the toy rightfully belonged to me. Her sneer smile was enough to redden my cheeks. "Sere, did Lorri have it first?" my mother asked in a threatening tone. I shook my head from left to right in panic, my eyes wide.

Lorri lied: "I had it first, and Sere snatched it out if my hands!"

My mother was occupied with other duties and did not take the situation seriously, choosing sides with my sister.

Lorri played with the noise maker for a few more moments after my mother left the room and just as soon as my mother closed her bedroom door, I slapped her across the jaw and took the toy.

I was five years old, and she was ten. And now, I gazed upon her womanly figure standing taller than I'd ever seen her stand.

The man standing across from her came about two years before. Lorri explained to me their 'classical meeting' at the market place when she was nearly trampled by a runaway horse and buggy. Krio Lorally--may I add my sister's name was now Lorri Lorally?--appeared out of no where and pulled her into a black cloud of smoke, and then she woke behind the counter of the shop he worked at, on her back spread across the floor. Krio stood over her, and apparently, that was all they needed to move on.

I squinted my eyes at the thought, would I ever be as lucky as her? Jealousy did not consume me; there were no hints of rage or anger to contradict any of my hidden actions. I too struggled to hold back my smiles, welcoming all the happiness into her life.

The village leader stood behind them, and guided the audience to silence with a polite gesture, nodding his head and raising his arm. "Lorri, you may now place your hand."

Krio wore a brown leather vest that hung over his right shoulder, his left shoulder strapless and his white collared shirt beneath unbuttoned to the center of his chest. Lorri reached with her right hand and held it flat against Krio's chest.

The village leader rose his old chin to further announce: "This man has given himself firstly and only to Lorri Avalor. He has opened his heart to Lorri and he swears to give only Lorri passage," he spoke carefully and with great dignity. His vocal cords were raspy and beaten away in time like the weathering of an ancient sculpture's surface; if anything, his sounds were soothing and reeked of wisdom.

I heaved a deep breath as silence followed, the trees rustling their leaves at the winds grasp.

"Krio," the village leader called. "You may now place your hand."

Krio reached for Lorri's chest, her sleeveless dress allowing him bare access just above her left breast.

"Breathe," the village leader demanded. "Feel the beat of each others heart."

The heart in my own chest thumped. I watched the expression across my sisters face melt into the reality of the moment, her eyes gazed upon a feeling I had yet experienced.

The village leader broke the silence. "By the infinite strings that connect us all, I now declare Krio and Lorri Lorally a link in the chains of life."

That night, the hype of the ceremony fell to near nothing for most, but it continued to rest heavy on my shoulders. I rose from my bed unable to sleep. The steady clinks of dishes ticked into the night, and I found myself standing in the archway of the kitchen where my mother washed dishes by the soft glow of a candle.

She wore her night gown, an old and tattered piece of clothing that my father swore he'd burn if she didn't replace it. The right pocket dangled, ripped from its threads by the knob of her bedroom door. It's colors faded over the years as well: once it beamed a bright yellow with tiny prints of red flowers. I watched the pastel colors of her gown twitch against the backdrop of the brown cabinets as she struggled to scrub the guts of a pot, the scrapes particularly irritating to my ears.

Then the scrubbing stopped, and the water in the sink settled. My mother leaned over the counter propped on her bent arms. Her head began to fall between her shoulders, and slightly wobble...a sobbing echo followed.

My mouth stayed open for a few moments after, hesitant to speak. "Mother?" I called quietly.

She jumped.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

Her voice was drained: "How long have you been standing there?"

I responded with the frame of the archway pressing against my shoulder. "I've not been here long."

She sniveled with her back still turned to me. My chest swelled, and deflated. I turned my attention down to the wooden planks of the floor, dark stains had rubbed a trail that followed close to the counters. Lorri helped set the trails, I thought to myself.

"Why aren't you asleep?" she asked.

My lips fell apart only enough for the cold air to breeze across my teeth, and then I proceeded to explain: "You were making a lot of noise, so I wanted to check on you."

My mother turned towards me, and crossed her arms. "I'm sorry I woke you," she said as she rubbed her eye.

"It's alright," I looked down. "It's strange not having her here anymore."

"I don't know if it's that, or the fact that I'm getting older. Time slips away so easily."

"Time slides by at the same rate for all of us," I explained. She smiled at my words, a faint break of logical hope within the gloom.

She breathed. "Never mind me, I'm overly thinking I suppose."

Over thinking was the mechanism that refused my sleep, I became too aware of the deep subjects that circled life, and my sister's ceremony brought them on in a dangerous yet wondrous fashion.

"I've been thinking a lot too," I mouthed away as if embarrassed. "About the ceremony."

A brief moment of silence came awaiting me to further carry the conversation. My mother waved her hand, a gesture that I should continue.

I pushed my head forward. "What was the village leader talking about at the ceremony?"

She tightened her crossed arms, her backside resting against the edge of the sink. She hummed in thought, closed eyes. "You mean the end of the speech, I'm assuming?"

I nodded.

"Your father and I didn't want to raise you and your sister following everyone else, but I supposed it would come up one day and I'd have to explain."

My brow fell. "Explain what?"

My mother shook her head. "I'm sorry for keeping you away from the questions. Where did we come from? What are our purposes for living? I should have known you'd eventually ask them." I mellowed, the candle light dimming. "Many people believe in the thought that we're all connected by an infinitely long string that's invisible to our eyes. It is a lost religion that came from before the villages time, and that's what he meant when he stated 'I now declare you a link in the chains of life'. We are the links, specifically though, our Children."

I heaved a deep breath. "That's a bit much. Why haven't you ever explained this to me and my sister?"

She turned her head down. "Because your father and I do not believe it. We want you to believe in what you want to believe," she spoke solemnly, and powerfully. "Your faith cannot be altered."


© 2013 Christoph Poe


Author's Note

Christoph Poe
I've incorporated some revisions, as well as a time frame, in which I'm still working out those descriptive kinks. My dumb ass completely missed the fact that this chapter begins in the midst of winter, and I forgot to add those details.

Anyways, thanks for all of your great reviews! They have really helped move me along. :)

My Review

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Okay, I totally need to point out that "The time fluttered by" is such a perfect way to signify a time shift! Most writers include stars or line breaks, but this is a lovely transition technique, well done! The interaction between the wind and the Cloro Tree was also excellently written and really captured the imagined world of your story. You have a very well established writing style, with an equally defined pace and structure. I found Sere to be a highly interesting character and her relationship with her family, particularly her father, was beyond adorable!

The humour of Lorri's last name becoming Lorally actually made me start laughing to myself! The wedding was also beautifully described and I think overall this was a very strong opening chapter.I feel like such a nerd, but when you ended with 'The choice is yours' it reminded me of something and I just realised I was thinking of Captain Planet's line "The power is yours!" Totally unrelated point, just saying I love your final line!

There were a few grammatical things I picked up on:
- "I appreciated his blunt attitude he often used on me" This sound a little repetitious, maybe if you replaced 'his' to 'the', the prose might flow better, "I appreciated the blunt attitude he often used on me"

- "and waited for the flames to dissipate and fade away nonexistent." This should be "fade away into nonexistence", or "fade away, nonexistent."

- "She hummed in thought, closed eyes." This should probably be reversed to "eyes closed" or "with closed eyes."

A beautifully written first chapter and I am thoroughly looking forward to reading chapter two!

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

And I love your song choice, lol. Its one of my favorites too! perfect mood setting device.


Posted 10 Years Ago


Christoph, this is wonderful.
Your ability to paint a scene with words is just fantastic; I love the imagery and details you give, makes it really feel as if they are in another world. Even simple things, like the beautiful wedding ceremony, her blue hair and the father's ability to control fire all add up to give unique aspects to your whimsical fantasy world.
I also love the dynamic between your characters; mother/daughter, sister/sister, etc. The dialogue between them is very real, funny and moving at times, especially the sisters; its so genuine and sincere, they feel like actual sisters! :D (on that note, I love the first-person perspective and how we know at all times what Sere is thinking.)

I want to point out this chapter of yours:
"The wind blew. The leaves whistled and howled. The limbs bent. The grass grew slightly and unnoticeably with heavy bundles of white, gold, and red flowers bending their stalks. The clouds shifted at the horizon, plummeting into a higher atmosphere like molten rock exploding at the ocean floor. The Cloro tree bowed to the wind like the fit gentleman he was. His arms waved to flash beams of light across my cheeks, and I'd occasionally squint. "
Although it really has nothing to do with the story, it is my favorite paragraph in this chapter.. Such beautiful imagery and personification in every word, I was completely immersed from then on. Kudos, man. Kudos.

I could rave all day about what I've read so far, but there is one thing I had a problem understanding: and that is the fact that she is a Human. The mother says that she is the first human born on her side in a while, but then says a few lines later that they are all human. And if Sere is human, what is everyone else? It says non-human, but what is that? lol
Great job, sir.


Posted 10 Years Ago


Dear Christoph Poe,

I'll be honest, the reason I didn't review for a long time was because I was intimidated by so many reviews. Anything I would say has probably already been said. With that so, I'll just stick to commenting about the content instead of technical details.

The only problem I have is the last part here where the mother shook her head and said, "I'm sorry for keeping you away from..." I probably have to read further on to understand what's going on, but it was just confusing to me.

I really liked the idea of the main character being human. My book is centered on that theme, though I don't know if it will remain that way in this book. So many fantasy novels have the main character be some super race of creature: elf, half something, angel, demon. I'm like what's wrong with being human lol.

I liked the time lapses. It's a unique way to structure a first chapter. Although the time lapse makes me think this should have been a prologue versus a first chapter, but it's fine how it is.

I found the poem nice. I don't know whether it was intentional or not, but it seems the poem connects rather well with the main character. She is alien to a world that is colorless, a time that is blind, and jaded. The poem reflects the chapter nicely I think.

I liked the parents' attitude towards their child who is "different" in a world full of "different people." They are loving and accepting despite how I would think families would normally act in this kind of fantasy setting which is snotty, rude, and mean.

Of course, I loved the blue hair touch. Imagine someone born with blue hair. I would have the expectations that she would be a magic user as well.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless


Posted 10 Years Ago


No, I like the poetry into. I describes briefly what their world looks like. " A time blind, colorless and jaded." I like that description. It fills in some unspoken but felt ideas about the place they live.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I am intrigued with this chapter. The stage is set and I am ready to sit back and enjoy.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

Thanks Vicky. :) Oh, is the poetry piece in the beginning too much?
Christoph Poe

10 Years Ago

(I haven't had the opportunity to ask many people that considering its a new revision.)
I really loved this first chapter! Blue hair?? I wish I could have it;)) My inner magical soul will love it but my parents?? Not so much**huffs** I love everything about magical community and a couple of my stories are about magic;))))

Posted 10 Years Ago


"Me, my father, and sister pursued her role as the cook." This should be, "My father, my sister, and I pursued her role as the cook."
You tend to make a lot of these mistakes as I've noticed, but I'm not very good at fixing them. It's always been one of my weakest points, so I don't really write in this manner. One thing that my English teacher told me last semester though, was when writing and I have to write something that includes myself and another person, to write as if I'm only talking in first-person. Example: With your sentence, if you took out "my father" and "sister", your sentence would read, "Me pursued her role as the cook." With my revision, the sentence now reads, "I pursued her role as the cook." which makes a ton more sense then the first one. Supposedly, using this technique should help you any time that you use this style of writing.

"I left my father attempting to lite a wood fire..." Now, I looked it up, and “lite” is indeed a word. It is “an informal, simplified spelling of light”, but as I read more when it came to definitions, I found that the light that it was talking about was referring to weight. One definition did indeed say it was light as in firelight, but I believe that the majority if what it refers to is lightweight. I don’t know if you want to fix this, but it was just a suggestion, even though technically it’s correct either way.

“…but the stones hasn't been used in many years, if ever used.” Stones is a plural word, therefore the verb following has to be plural as well. “Has” is singular while “have” is plural, so it should be “the stones haven’t”.

“He glared at me, but I glared back, and our attempts for intimidation grew to suffocating levels. "Give me the stones or you won't be eating." His brow bent across the gentle stare of his eyes, and the nostrils of his nose flared.” Couple of things with this. You say they’re glaring at each other and then you say “the gentle stare of his eyes”. This is extremely contradictory, and I advise you fix it to read something else. Another thing… it’s repetitive to say “the nostrils of his nose”. It’s correct, there’s nothing wrong with saying that, but the formality of the writing doesn’t give the impression that a 10-12 year old girl is narrating. Using the formality in certain situations is good because it allows any age-range of people to read your book, but you also have to remember that you’re writing in the mindset of a little girl. Most little kids don’t talk so formally. Although, typing this out, I realize you could have done it on purpose to show the maturity of the girl, which then I think you’ve done that splendidly. That’s your choice whether to change it or not.

“I left him one of the two stones, and fled out the back door.” You don’t need the comma there. If your sentence said, “I left him one of the two stones, and [I] fled out the back door.” Then you would need the comma, as you are combing two full sentences with the conjunction “and”. Since “fled out the back door” is a fragment of a sentence, you don’t need the comma before “and”. Just a grammar mistake, easily made all the time. I do it all the time.

“My father and mother used to sit on the bench and tend to my sister and I as we played in the dirt...the sandy pit now diminished to a dry spot of gravel while wild plants grew around and took it over.” This sentence can use some rewording. You’re saying a lot in this one sentence and it gets a little jumbled up. Oh, and you did the same mistake as before. You put “tend to my sister and I as we played in the dirt”, so take out “my sister”… Your sentence now reads, “My father and mother used to sit on the bench and tend to I as [I, instead of we] played in the dirt.”… The correct way to write your sentence would be, “My father and mother used to sit on the bench and tend to me and my sister as we played in the dirt,” as you would now (by taking out sister) read it, “My father and mother used to sit on the bench and tend to me as [I, instead of we] played in the dirt.”

“Now, I sat at the bench where my parents sat…” You sat AT the bench or ON the bench?

“"How did I raise you to have such a great sense of judgment?!"” Try not to use “?!” so much. It puts too much enthusiasm in the words, like they’re continuously full of energy. Using the exclamation mark repeatedly while in a scene that isn’t an argument makes the book seem child-like. If it’s indeed for an audience of children, go ahead and use the exclamation marks as much as you want. If it’s for any age, try to lessen up on the usage of !, because sometimes it makes people raise their eyebrows and not be able to take what’s being said seriously.

“We kept a typical father daughter relationship…” There should be a hyphen between father and daughter.

“My parents, and I…” don’t need the comma there.

“…passed the edge of town…” Passed = The ball was passed back and forth between my dad and I. Past = Go past the village to get to the woods.

“Her dress trailed down an old plight of stone stairs like white water frozen in time, polished stones of bright browns and gold hanging around her neck and waist.” Here you used what’s called a comma-splice. You need to add a conjunction after the comma to make it a full sentence. I would suggest using “and”, as no other conjunction makes sense in that spot.

“She had my fathers mashed nose, and my mothers pail skin.” First, you need to put apostrophes in the words “fathers” and “mothers”… It should read “father’s” and “mother’s”, since it is the father’s mashed nose [it is possessive] and the mother’s pale skin [again, possessive]. Also: pail = the pail of water was sitting underneath the leak in the roof. Pale = Her skin was unnaturally pale, as though she had just seen a ghost.

I thought the wedding ceremony was ingenious. I loved it. I wish I would’ve thought of it first :P I thoroughly enjoy the indecision of religion as well. Especially the parent’s allowing the kid to believe what they want instead of pressuring them to believe or not believe in something. Not many parents do that. Over all, this was an excellent start and very captivating. It can use some work, but all rough draft can use work. You have an invigorating idea here, and I hope you go far with it. I like that she has blue hair. It’s unique, different… And the fact that she has blue hair and you’ve made her human is comical. I have the same experience that she has when it comes to hair. My hair is brown with a somewhat large blonde area that is always mistaken as highlights, but it’s natural – my scalp where my hair grows from is pigmented, therefore my hair lacks color as well.

One thing I want to mention though, with this chapter, is that the time change is really confusing for me. I’m losing track of where and when each thing is taking place. The only definitive spot that I know the time change is when she turns from 10-12 years old to sixteen, because you say it. Maybe you should split it up, because I think you have a memory in the beginning, when the lady is talking to her parents about her blue hair? I’m not sure if that’s a memory or if that’s a moment that was happening at the time… I don’t know. The time frame and differences you have are a little confusing.

Hope this helps, and I hope I didn’t totally confuse you on some parts. Good luck.

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

I reviewed both chapters at the end of the next page.

Posted 10 Years Ago


0 of 2 people found this review constructive.

You captured my attention with the first paragraph! Great writing!

Posted 10 Years Ago


0 of 2 people found this review constructive.

I'm a novice writer so I can't be one to critique, but I can say I loved this! I am able to depict these characters personalities exactly and ur use of imagery is astounding. I also agree with the previous review on its time setting. You are really vague about it and is hard to figure out the time period of the story. I can't wait to see where this goes, good luck and keep up the great work!!

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on June 26, 2013
Last Updated on July 23, 2013
Tags: God, gods, goddess, powers, abilities, humans, prejudice, racism, human, non-human, high, fantasy, first, person, other, planet, world, medieval, rural, village, deception, religion, utopia


Author

Christoph Poe
Christoph Poe

Tuscaloosa , AL



About
(I got this!) My name is Christoph and I'm from backwoods Alabama. It's really boring here, but the scenery is always gorgeous! I can't complain because its probably this environment that's brough.. more..

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