ECCLESIA'S WIND (Episode Zero)

“Ecclesia’s Wind”

Episode Zero: “The Sea”

I remember running to the sea, my everlasting thoughts stretched across the vast blue until it faded into the horizon. A part of me longed for the waves. Winters breath cooled the sand and chilled the souls of my feet, and I breathed s gentle wind. The ocean didn’t exist, the elders of the village explained. “The Goddess of Rain took it away herself.”

Yet I wondered why I dreamed of it. It’s beauty within my mind captivated me at uncontrollable levels of awe and wonder. A sixth sense reminded me of it as if it were a ghost haunting the strings of thoughts within my mind, my nerves running through my arms, my fingers twitching for a powerful control. It made little sense considering the ocean was no longer with us.

Mr. Trice looked upon me curiously as I sat behind a cold counter waiting for the shop to open. Someone with good eyes needed to manage the money, and I might have been the only person he trusted. He took me in some years ago, back when darkness flooded my sight, and he brought be back, somehow.

“What are you staring at?” He asked me with an old tongue. 

I breathed heavy with a pending tiredness overwhelming my senses. He had to ask me again. “Serenity, what are you looking at?”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I’m very tired this morning--nothing catches my attention.”

He swept. “Then you may take the day off if you wish.”

“No.” I crossed my arms. “You need me, and I need the coins.”

His sweeping came to a halt. He looked upon me with guilt yet sympathy. His eyes closed, and he solemnly hummed to himself before he spoke. “I will pay you for the day. Besides, it is raining outside. There will be few customers.”

“I swore it that the rain followed me,” I said while turning on my stool. 

“Pardon me?” his brow rose.

I shook my head again. “I’m very sorry. I’m thinking aloud.”

He pursued his task, dust pluming around the feet of the shelves where it would settle. “It’s not so bad to think out loud--to let the world hear your thoughts.”

My eyes widened. “They may hang me if I spoke what I thought.”

“Then they’d be hanging a beautiful mind,” he said sternly. 

My lips tightened. “You’re too kind at--”

“You know,” his voice rose over mine, “that I am a heartless old b*****d.”

He swept. 

“Right, Mr. Trice. You are the one who no one speaks of.”

I turned to the window.

“Serenity,” he called my name for the second time in seconds. “Take the rest of the day off. I am not in need of your services.”

I heaved a breath, and threw my head back. My locks rolled from my chest and fell across my back. “What will I do? There is nothing.”

Knocks came, the sign hanging at the door rattled. 

“We are closed!” I called rudely.

“Serenity, it’s raining outside. Let our guest in.”

I hoped from my stool, but before I could reach the door handle, it opened by itself. Mr. Trice stepped not far from behind me, his hand held forth as he telepathically moved the brass handle. 

I moved back to my position behind the counter, and I sat back on my faulty stool. My chin rested on my knotted fists, my elbows bare on the counter. My mother would have complained a lady must always sit herself upright.

But she wasn’t here, and it was okay.

The stranger entered swiftly. “Pardon my early intrusion. I know the Sun to the West has yet to rise, but I’m in a bit of a hurry.” His voice sounded of violins yet held a rough edge like that of rust. 

“Nonsense,” said Mr. Trice. “You are more than welcomed. How might I assist you?”

The stranger shook an umbrella dry, and clasped it shut. I suddenly straightened my back. Only the wealthy wielded such devices to keep their leather and fur dry.

Author's Note

I'm trying a new style, something i feel a little bit more comfortable with. I forget that sometimes to include myself when and as I write. After all, I'm writing this for me AS WELL as the world. This isn't a finished chapter, but I'd like to know if you find it captivating enough to continue, or is it dull and boring? Thanks for reading.

Reviews

[Vicky Carter]

loved it. You have my interest and I want to know more asap. Good intro. Like the names. Like the sun rising in the west and then in the east, causing everyone to have 2 shadows...new ideas, I have never heard these before. Great job, look forward for more.

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you Vicky! I'm attempting a new outlook of the whole novel, and I'm struggling to make this as interesting as I possibly can. I feel like this rewrite is working a lot better than the ones before. **keeps fingers crossed**

[sweetred]

I love that you are aware and that u mentioned that writing is for yourself as much as for others, that's important n so true cuz if u don't love it then who will. This chapter is very well written the way in which your character speaks automatically projected an image in my mind of the era and i got the whole feel of the chapter easily

[TL Boehm]

This is beautifully penned. there is a hint of surrealism about it - sparking my curiosity and the beginning is lush, like poetry. Solid dialogue as well.

[Christoph Poe]

I finally finished this if you care to read the rest. Long story short, I've been busy and I'm finally coming back! Here's the link:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/PoeChristoph/1553576/

[TL Boehm]

Thank you - I'll check it out - may take me a couple of weeks to get to it. Feel free to send those read requests too and so good to see you back

[Samuel Jack]

I liked it dude, but I did find the first paragraph a little too flowery, maybe you've been reading too much poetry on writerscafe :).

But the scene overall was built up very well in my mind, it had atmosphere in spades. Your narrative has a nice natural rhythm to it, if it wasn't for the slightly over the top bits "his voice sounded of violins yet held a rough edge like that of rust" that was a good idea, but the simile is a bit of a mouth full.

Is this chapter a rewrite of a chapter you wrote for your ecclesia book? Because I remember a similar scene involving the shop, the main character and the old grumpy shop keeper.

Either way, for me your writing style is very professional, there's a few bits where you get carried away, but I know what's it's like to sit there sweating over the words, you want every single word to have its place and to play a part, which obviously they do, but I think of the story as a theatre production, some sentences or paragraphs are actors telling the story, some words are just the backstage crew, setting up the scenery.

That's my two cents, just worry about how your story flows, because you've got all the ideas and writing skill neccasary to be a published writer.

Safety and peace fellow Dream walker

P.s Tuscaloosa sounds like some kind of fantasy kingdom :) maybe a desert country, with a big port city.

[Arutha]

You caught me up in a whirlwind of delicate verbiage right from the get-go. Your narration is absolutely phenomenal as the chapter gets rolling. I loved the kind of quiet undertone to this; it was quite fitting for a shop that's winding down. I also really enjoyed that little tidbit you threw in about the telepathy. It felt natural, like the shop keeper was just doing what he always does. Even though I remember how it turns out, if I didn't know I can honestly say my curiosity would be piqued. I still think you need to follow this rabbit hole to see where it goes (mostly so I can see where it goes, lol).

The rest is just what I thought as I read.

"Winter[']s breath cooled the sand..."

"... and I breathed s gentle wind." ?

"... my nerves running through my arms, my fingers twitching for a powerful control." I'm wondering if there's a better way to say this. Maybe, "... an almost palpable sensation running through my arms, my fingers itching to control some elusive awareness." or something

"... he asked me, with an old tongue." Is that referring to an accent, or a manner of speaking, or something else? I wasn't sure.

"I breathed heavy..." either, "I breathed heavily" or "I inhaled a heavy breath..." or something.

"... with a pending tiredness overwhelming my senses." Sense the fatigue is still "pending," you might consider scaling back the word "overwhelming," maybe even accompanying it with a description, like, "beginning to overwhelm my senses."

"... with guilt[,] yet sympathy." This felt a little choppy. Maybe, "... with a guilty expression, his eyes conveying his sympathy" or something.

"I swore it that the rain followed me." Didn't feel dialogue-y enough; maybe just remove "it."

"I'm very sorry." Same here; you might consider taking out "very."

"You are the one who no one speaks of." Probably don't need "who."

You seem to switch in the dialogue between contractions and literals, like "it's" sometimes and "it is" other times. I would just stick with the contractions to help readers feel more comfortable with the tone of the dialogue (I do the same thing constantly, by the way. I drive myself mad with it, lol.)

"My mother would have complained [that] a lady..."

"His voice sounded of violins yet held a rough edge like that of rust." The sentence structure here made the similes feel forced, to me. Maybe something like, "His voice had a musical quality to it, belied by an undertone of something rougher, like some bit of rust on an otherwise gleaming ingot." Okay, maybe that sucks, but hopefully you get where I'm headed with it. ;-P

[Christoph Poe]

I finally finished this if you care to read the rest. Long story short, I've been busy and I'm finally coming back! Here's the link:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/PoeChristoph/1553576/

[Dusk Lavanna]

i really like this, its a good intro, let me know when there is more please.

[Christoph Poe]

I finally finished this if you care to read the rest. Long story short, I've been busy and I'm finally coming back! Here's the link:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/PoeChristoph/1553576/

[Alleyway Rover]

I remember running to the sea, my everlasting thoughts stretched across the vast blue until it faded into the horizon. A part of me longed for the waves. Winters breath cooled the sand and chilled the souls of my feet, and I breathed s gentle wind. The ocean didn’t exist, the elders of the village explained. “The Goddess of Rain took it away herself.”

Interesting beginning. It’s a bit esoteric an long-winded for my personal tastes, but either way I am interested enough in what you’re trying to describe and why that it draws me into the book. It’s like a puzzle right off the top that I can’t help but study for a moment.

‘“What are you staring at?” He asked me with an old tongue. ’
Not sure what you are trying to describe here. Did you mean ‘an’ old tongue as in he spoke in an ancient language? Or are you, for some reason, actually describing the man’s tongue?

“I hoped from my stool….”
Hopped.

Overall:
To answer your question, is it captivating enough to continue I would say there isn’t enough here to decide. My natural instincts says, yes. Write it. Write the hell out of it. I only see a couple of problems, and I’m keeping in mind that this is a fragment, that there is no conflict yet, or at least no obvious conflict that is likely to carry the book.

Now, obviously, with this stranger entering the store, anything could be about to happen.

And like I said the first two paragraphs are interesting and I wonder how they fit into the story as a whole.

Cheers.

[Lucifer Jones]

Liked the concept... written well.(Watch the accidental s key stroke instead of the a... No biggie, just a heads up...it happens.) I didn't find it boring at all being that it was a segment. The tedium may develop if the chapter remains uneventful or doesn't continue to develop character or build story. But overall it's very well done. Good job.

[Christoph Poe]

I'm going to finish it hopefully today, and if you're interested, I can remind you here.

read moreI'm going to finish it hopefully today, and if you're interested, I can remind you here.

Otherwise, thank you for reading! I really appreciate your time. :)

[Lucifer Jones]

Yes please... I'd enjoy reading the finished chapter. Thank you.

[Christoph Poe]

I finally finished this if you care to read the rest. Long story short, I've been busy and I'm finally coming back! Here's the link:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/PoeChristoph/1553576/

[sweetred]

i really like your concept and the two suns and the two evils it was very interesting hope you continue this

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you for reading! I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it.ill remind you when I finish the chapter if you'd like. :)

[sweetred]

please do(y)

[Christoph Poe]

I finally finished this if you care to read the rest. Long story short, I've been busy and I'm finally coming back! Here's the link:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/PoeChristoph/1553576/