Chapter 5: Kim

Amber

“Morning” was all Kim said as they met on their usual corner and started walking towards the school. Amber smiled at her, but Kim was already looking away, as if avoiding eye contact. A bit disappointed, Amber looked away too and just concentrated on walking. Even that was hard to concentrate on lately. She couldn’t really concentrate about anything at all. Anyway, she and Kim hadn’t talked all Sunday. Somehow it felt weird, but it probably wasn’t really. Not all friends talk every day. Or do they? She didn’t even know anymore. A bit frustrated, she started looking at Kim’s shoes to have something to focus on. She was wearing her usual black boots, which she always wore (it was almost as if she didn’t have any other shoes). The shoes were the only thing you didn’t get with the uniform, so you could express yourself in any way you wanted to through your shoes, as long as they stayed at least 10 cm. under knee length. Slowly, her gaze started moving up. Her socks were a bit dirty and were about to have a hole around the knee. She was gonna get in trouble for that. Her shirt was a bit uneven and the cardigan was clumsy put on. Maybe she had been in a hurry about dressing this morning. But at least her skirt was hanging nicely. Gradually, her eyes started moving for Kim’s face. She had this nice skin, white and clear, that still had like freckles and stuff, but in a good way that really suited her. Then came her hair. Somehow, Amber adored Kim’s hair. It was black and short, kind of a boy’s cut, but it worked so that it didn’t turn out too masculine. And then it looked so soft. All Amber wanted was really just to touch it, run it through her fingers, but… no. That would just be creepy, and she didn’t wanna appear as a creep, especially not to Kim. Somehow Amber’s gaze had stopped at Kim’s face, and she didn’t notice before Kim suddenly looked at her. Panicking, she pulled herself together, blinked a few times and started smiling out of a sudden. God that was awkward. Please don’t let it be awkward, please, please… But Kim smiled back. A wide smile that Amber definitely didn’t expect. Overwhelmed, she smiled even more but Kim was already looking away again. But Amber wasn’t disappointed anymore. Actually, her heart was skipping with joy. Kim had smiled at her, which must mean that they were still friends, even after what happened Saturday night. With renewed energy, she walked along and caught up with Kim again. She didn’t know how she felt about Kim, like, emotionally and stuff, but it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that they were together, right here, right now.

 

Kim

For Amber. Kim clenched her fist and resisted not to grab Amber’s arm and just run off. She didn’t know where, just somewhere else than here. She looked so happy. She was probably relieved about the thing that happened Saturday. Kim supposed that she probably was too. Or, she didn’t even know how she felt about it. She had spent all Sunday lying in bed just looking for an answer, but with no luck. Whatever, it couldn’t happen anyway. She had put a period to the conversation, and it was the right thing to do. That was the only way to keep her from moving forward, making Amber feel uncomfortable. And the last thing she wanted was to do something like that to Amber. And what if they did get together, but something went wrong? How would their friendship be after that? Non-existing. She couldn’t even think about that, no, she couldn’t even imagine it. Forcing a tear back, she stepped a little bit away from Amber. She had to control herself from being like she had usually been, Amber might misunderstand. But of course, not getting a hint, Amber just followed, and before Kim could do anything, Amber grabbed her hand. Kim started panicking inside. She couldn’t hold her hand, that would give the wrong ideas, but she also couldn’t pull away now; that would seem like she was repelled by Amber. Letting out a sigh, she allowed herself to do it this one time, because it was Amber that had taken the initiative. But just this one time. She even allowed herself to enjoy the feeling of Amber’s skin against hers. Kim stretched her arm a bit and the shirt lifted. Thank god this uniform had long sleeves.

 

“Everybody gather around!” Gaile said as the class started. Kim was still mad at him, and he knew it. He hadn’t even given her a reason why Amber hadn’t gotten a role in the first place. Annoying as he was, Damon ended up standing beside Amber, and Kim pulled her as close as possible. This was the reason she had really wanted to skulk from school together with Amber - like, the rest of the year - to keep her away from that creep. He just smiled at them and winked. What a jerk.

“Okay, folks, are you ready for this year’s musical?” Gaile excelled, sounding way too excited, and everyone started yelling “hell yeah” and that kind of stuff, Amber too, so Kim just jumped along.

The rest of the class just kind of went by. Kim usually enjoyed theatre, but this time, it was like something was distracting her from enjoying it. Something, or someone… Kim rubbed her eyes and shook her head. No. This was not the time. Not now. She got up from her seat and walked a bit around. They were supposed to read through the script by themselves, getting to know their role, but Kim had already done it throughout the summer and had memorized a way of acting for all the possible characters. She didn’t even know what she was doing here, but she couldn’t go. She couldn’t leave Amber alone in the same room as Damon. Clenching her fists a bit as she thought of him, she stomped and sat down again. People were looking at her, but she honestly didn’t give a f**k. She hadn’t done it before, so why should she start now? Letting out a sigh, she leaned back in the chair, closed her eyes and dozed away.

Inside her head, she was alone in the room with Amber. No, wait, they weren’t even in the room, they were in the park, back on the swings just like Saturday. They were swinging back and forth, their hands touching slightly, laughing, and Kim couldn’t help but get a feeling of joy spreading in her chest even though it wasn’t real. This is what she wanted, just her and Amber alone without anybody to disturb them - especially, without Damon. The wind shook the leaves and they fell dazzling around them, almost as if it was snow. As the sun set, they started getting closer and gradually moved from the swings to the ground, Amber leaned against Kim as they laid down on the soft grass, Kim blushing like a maniac as they moved closer, their lips barely -

Kim woke up with a chock and gasped for air. She rubbed her eyes and yawned a little, as she realised what she had just experienced. This. This was exactly what was not supposed to happen, in any way. Shaking her head, she bit her lip as hard as she could to forget about the picture, but it was just kind of stuck in her brain. In the end, she gave up and allowed it to stay. It wasn’t like Amber could read her mind or anything… hopefully. Kim jerked as Amber suddenly touched her shoulder and smiled at her. Kim pulled herself together and smiled back. She couldn’t let this spill, in any way.

“Wanna go outside?” Amber asked and reached for Kim’s hand. Relieved, Kim took it and got up. She needed to get out of this hell of a theatre. She didn’t even look at Damon as he smirked at them on their way out.

“God, that was nice!” Amber said in an exhale as they stepped out the door. “The atmosphere in there was just getting to thick and tight! Don’t you agree?” she asked and glanced at Kim, who just quickly nodded. It would be easier if that was the reason she was acting weirdly.

“You alright?” Amber asked and clenched Kim’s hand a bit harder. Kim smiled and nodded again. Honestly, she wasn’t alright. And not just because of Amber. As they entered the cool air outside, Kim had suddenly started to feel kind of dizzy, her head spinning around without control. She tried to get a hold of herself, but before she knew it, she was suddenly leaning against Amber, slowly dragging her to the floor. Kim didn’t even know what was going on, but she didn’t have any hold of what her body was doing anymore - it just kind of happened. Panicking, Amber got Kim to lie on the floor that she was apparently so attracted to at the moment. Kim smiled at her again, but she could hardly even keep her eyes open to see Amber’s reaction.

The last thing she remembered of that day was that everything turned black.

 

Dreams are the only place that you can truly be free. Kim believed that as a truth, and it was confirmed in her own dreams. In her dreams she would be flying, looking down at a fire beneath her. A forest burning, but she wasn’t caught. She would laugh and fly up higher, feeling the air between her fingers. This was when she was truly free, but she couldn’t fly in real life. That’s why real life sucked. All she ever really wanted was to fly, just to fly above the trees and leave everything behind. No one to tell her what to do and what not to do. As she carelessly flew across the sky, the figure of Amber started to appear. Amber smiled at her, and when Amber was happy, Kim was happy. Therefore, she smiled back widely. The distance between them slowly tightened, and as their fingers reached each other, Kim -

“Kim!” a voice sounded in the distance. It was Amber. Kim slowly woke up and tried to open her eyes, but they were as if locked together.

“It’s alright, Kim, take it easy” Amber said and put a hand on her shoulder. Kim could feel that she was sitting beside her, on her bed -  wait, what? Kim forced her eyes open and looked around. She was home, in her own room, in her own bed. But weren’t they just at the school… she shook her head and tried to sit up, but Amber held her back with an incredible force.

“No!” she said and sent her a very serious look, making Kim a little bit scared of her.

“You’re staying here until you’re feeling better. Okay?” she continued, and Kim gave up and leaned back again.

“Okay.” Kim sighed and closed her eyes again.

“Okay” Amber said, stroking some hair away from Kim’s eye.

“What happened?” Kim asked after a few minutes of silence, her eyes still closed.

“You had a meltdown at school” Amber said, sounding a bit nervous. “You just kind of fell asleep on the middle of the floor. So I got permission to take you home.” Kim opened her eyes a little and noticed that tears were starting to stream down Amber’s cheeks. Unable to say anything, she just smiled as if to say that she was okay. Amber smiled too.

“What about-“ Kim started, but Amber interrupted her.

“Your aunt?” she asked. Kim tried to say something, but couldn’t. Amber sighed a little and continued:

“She’s not going to be a problem. At least not tonight.” She said and smiled a little, but her smile quickly turned into a serious look. “But that’s not important now.”

Amber

6 hours earlier

“Kim? Kim, what’s going on?” Amber cried, as Kim slowly sunk to the floor, clearly too far away to be able to answer her in any way. Panicking, Amber followed her down to the floor to get her to lie down. She had to do something. But what? Her heart was racing way faster than it should when Gaile was suddenly on one knee beside her, his hand resting on Kim’s forehead.

“She’s hot” he mumbled and got up. Amber looked up at him, looking for answers.

“Take her home. Now.” He said and helped Amber get Kim on her feet. “You know where she lives, right?” Amber nodded, and as soon as Kim’s numb arm was around her shoulder she slowly started walking with the body. Or, you couldn’t really call it walking; it was more like dragging it carefully. She had to get her home, never mind what. Kim’s body was heavier than Amber had ever imagined it (why would she even imagine how heavy her friend was? That was just weird). The two of them started moving, slowly, but moving, towards Kim’s house. Kim had showed her once last week where she lived before she walked Amber all the way home, even though there was kind of a long way. Maybe it was all the walking that had made Kim become sick. Amber couldn’t help but blame herself now and tears started to appear in her eyes, blurring her sight, but she couldn’t stop now so she just kept on walking. She must have walked fast, because they were at the house before she knew it. Kim had pointed out her room for Amber -  it was on the first floor, so she would have to drag her up the stairs. Damn it. Pulling herself together, she opened the door, which was fortunately unlocked. Kim’s aunt must’ve been home. Kim’s body was starting to get really heavy, but Amber just dragged on. Soon, they were upstairs, found Kim’s room and Amber carefully put her on the bed. She really was hot. Not really knowing what to do, she decided to go downstairs and get some water if Kim should wake up. The kitchen wasn’t that hard to figure out, it was almost as if she’d been there before - which she obviously hadn’t. She was filling a glass of water, as she suddenly sensed another person’s presence in the room.

“Go upstairs, Kim, you’re not supposed to be standing -“ she started, but as she turned around, she almost dropped the glass out of surprise. An elderly woman was standing in the doorway. Or, elderly, maybe around her fifties. Her hair was greasy and was cut to just above her shoulders, who were shaggy and looked like they were in pain. Her face was wrinkled, the teeth didn’t look too healthy, but then Amber’s sight reached her eyes. That was definitely Kim’s eyes, no doubt there. Maybe this was Kim’s aunt. She noticed the beer in her hand that was spilling all over the floor. Definitely Kim’s aunt. Amber tried to smile at her, but Teresa just sent her a weird glare.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house” she asked with a groggy voice, clearly drunk.

“Eh, I’m Kim’s friend, and Kim was sick so I needed to take her home” Amber mumbled, a bit nervous on her feet.

“Well, hello, Kim’s friend” Teresa said and stepped a bit closer, Amber stepping the same amount backwards. “What are you doing in my house?” Teresa asked again and took a sip of her beer.

Amber got a puzzled look in her face. “Uhm, yeah I’m helping to take care of Kim” she said, nervously scratching herself on the back of the head.

“My daughter can take perfectly care of herself” Teresa almost yelled and stumbled a few steps forward.

“No she can’t” Amber said and tried to straighten up. “You should see her! She’s sick!”

Never mind what Amber said, it didn’t seem like it moved Teresa in any way. “No she’s not” she said after a while. “She’s an ‘actor’ right? She’s just being lazy and playing sick to skulk from school, that little w***e of a girl.”

Amber was chocked. How could Kim’s own aunt talk about her like that? And what did a w***e even have to do with being lazy?? Confused, Amber blinked a few times and didn’t even realize that Teresa was right in front of her before she pushed her against the sink, a hand on each side.

“My little girl doesn’t need you” Teresa hissed, spitting a little. God, her breath was horrible; it was almost as if she had a whole barrel of alcohol down there. “My daughter doesn’t need you” she continued “or anybody. Not even me. She’s a strong independent woman, who can do things on her own. I’m not going to help her, and you’re not going to help her. Understood?” she yelled, moving even closer to Amber. Amber was starting to shake but couldn’t really do anything about it. She and Teresa’s face were so close their noses were almost touching.

“No..” she whispered slightly, trying not to get eye contact with Teresa.

“Excuse me?” Teresa excelled and grabbed Amber’s arm way too violently, causing Amber to drop the glass. Amber was starting to get tears in her eyes. She needed to do something, she needed to get to Kim again before she woke up…

“NO!” She yelled and tried to fight against Teresa’s grip, but without any luck. She was too damn strong.

“EXCUSE ME” Teresa said again, her eyes furious. “THIS IS MY HOUSE, NOT YOURS, HOW CAN YOU REFUSE MY WILL IN MY OWN-“

Before Teresa could finish the sentence, she was falling to the floor. With her free hand, Amber had hit her from beneath, leaving her unconscious. After quickly checking her pulse (that b***h’s heart was still beating), Amber hurried out and blocked the door from the outside so that Teresa wouldn’t be able to come to Kim’s room. Bringing a new glass of water, she silently went into Kim’s room again, closing the door after her.

As Amber turned around, Kim was still lying silently on her bed, sleeping. Phew. Relieved, she put the glass of water on the table next to the bed and looked a bit around the room. She hadn’t really had a chance to look at it properly before now. The room was kind of messy, but that was only what she would have expected from someone like Kim, it just sort of suited her. The walls had a dark grey-ish color, probably something she chose (and painted) herself, and they were covered with band posters. There were all different kinds of bands. Guns ‘n Roses, Green Day, My Chemical Romance, Nirvana - all kinds of bands that Amber had heard of but never really listened to. To be honest, she didn’t really listen to any music at all, except from classical, which was, according to her dad, all that she needed. Under the table was a box full of CD’s, and at the end of the bed a guitar. Apparently, Kim was very interested in music. Amber didn’t even know this about her. In fact, there were a lot of things that Amber didn’t know about Kim at all.

Concerning Kim, Amber suddenly realized that she was probably sweating like hell with all those clothes on while having a fever. In a hurry, she got up and carefully started to take off all the layers one by one (for some reason, the school felt like the students needed to wear three layers on the top part - ridiculous). She folded the clothing, put it on the chair by the table and put the carpet over Kim again. She looked so helpless, lying there, all pale and out of function. She smiled and brushed her arm, but then her fingers suddenly caught on to something. It looked like Kim had some kind of scratches on her arm. She looked a bit closer. They were almost like scars… like... Cuts. In a few seconds, Amber knew what to do. Kim had her own personal bathroom; she must have done it in there. In a hurry, Amber got up and started searching. She needed to find that blade, and she needed to find it before Kim woke up. She searched all over the bathroom, and finally found it hidden behind the toilet. It was a dangerous little thing, and she was even about to cut herself with it - out of accident, of course. She had it now, but she didn’t know what to do with it. Kim would definitely find it if she threw it in the trash. So she decided to flush it. She didn’t even know if stuff like that was really supposed to go in the drain, but she didn’t care that much right now. She just needed to get it as far away from Kim as possible. As she went into Kim’s room again it looked like she was starting to wake up, so she went and sat beside her again. She didn’t wake up yet, though, so Amber ended up lying beside her (luckily, Kim had a big bed). After a few seconds she closed her eyes and was long gone.

“Amber” Kim was shouting in the dark. Amber looked around, but couldn’t see anything. The only thing she could see was a little light far away, so she decided to follow it. Suddenly, everything turned white.

“Amber!” Kim shouted again, And Amber turned around, but Kim wasn’t there. Panicking, Amber started running around to search for the shouting, but there was nothing to see - before she looked down. Under her, Kim was lying in a puddle of blood. Her own blood. Amber tried to reach for her, but she was too far down.

“Amber!” Kim shouted again, and Amber started crying. She couldn’t do anything. Sudden scars started appearing all over Kim’s body. No. Stop it. She was helpless, and so was Kim. No! This wasn’t fair! This couldn’t happen! Stop, just... She cried even more and tried to reach for Kim again, but it was almost as if the further she reached, the further away Kim was.

“AMBER” Kim shouted again, this time panicking. That was it. She had to do something. Without thinking, she threw herself. She wouldn’t make this, but she would be with Kim, so it was okay. As she was coming closer to the ground she reached for Kim’s hand as she -

“Kim” she almost whispered as she shut her eyes open, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked beside her. Kim was still sleeping. Amber sighed and shut her eyes again, trying to relax. But she couldn’t. Not after this. This was a sign of some kind. It meant that she had to protect her. She had to protect Kim. She looked at her again. She looked so peaceful while sleeping. This person was going to be her mission. Her mission from now on would be to protect this human being from harm, of any kind. She smiled a little at herself and sat up. That wasn’t the worst mission, she didn’t even mind it. If that meant that she would get to spend more time with Kim, then she would gladly do it. She dried the tears from her cheeks and stroked Kim’s hair. She realized that this was her chance to finally feel her hair, so she took a little extra time to put it in the right place. It really was soft, like her skin. She wouldn’t mind spending every day like this. Or, it would be nice if Kim was actually awake, but this, just being with her, was amazing in itself, somehow. Amber smiled even more and couldn’t help but laugh a little, out of pure joy.

“Amber…” Kim suddenly mumbled, and Amber, who had been dozing in, drew her attention back to Kim.

“Kim” she answered and climbed over to sit beside her. Kim was slowly starting to wake up.

“Amber, I…” Kim mumbled again, clearly still sleeping a bit.

“What?” Amber said and grabbed her hand, maybe a bit too tightly.

“Kim!” she continued and slightly stroke her cheek.

Kim slowly woke up and tried to open her eyes, but clearly couldn’t. Amber smiled a little. As Kim tried to rise a little, Amber said “It’s alright, Kim, take it easy” and gently pushed her down again. After a few seconds Kim forced her eyes open anyway and looked around, clearly confused. She tried to get up again, but Amber put all her force in to lie her down again.

“No!” she said, trying to sound serious and sending her a sharp look, but it felt weird. She didn’t like to talk to anybody like that, but she could feel that she would have to be harsh with Kim to get her to stay in bed. She backed off a little though, when it seemed like Kim was actually scared of her.

“You’re staying here until you’re feeling better. Okay?” she continued with a lifted eyebrow, as if to underline it. Kim finally gave up and leaned back again.

“Okay” she said and leaned back, closing her eyes. She looked tired.

“Okay” Amber said, almost automatically stroking some hair away from Kim’s eye. She had already gotten used to touching her hair. For a few minutes, they just sat there in silence. But it was nice. The silence between the two of them wasn’t as bad as other silences - as the ones between herself and her dad, as an example. With Kim, it was almost as if they were having a conversation though none of them said anything.

“What happened” Kim suddenly said, and Amber looked at her. Amber had to sink before being able to say anything.

“You had a meltdown at school” she said, holding herself back from panicking as she had done it at the school earlier that day. “You just kind of fell asleep on the middle of the floor. So I got permission to take you home” she continued and smiled. She was almost about to mention how heavy Kim was, but decided not to. Somehow, she couldn’t hold the tears back anymore, so she just let them flow. She was just so happy that Kim was awake again and seemed alright, or at least kind of alright. Kim opened her eyes - and of course she saw, and took it as the wrong sign. Typical. But, luckily, instead of saying anything, Kim just smiled, and Amber couldn’t help but smile back.

“What about-“ Kim started, but Amber interrupted her.

“Your aunt?” She asked. She had almost forgotten about that b***h, who was probably still sleeping out on the kitchen floor. Annoyed that Kim had to live with such a jerk of a “mother”, she sighed and continued.

“She’s not going to be a problem. At least not tonight.” She said and smiled a little. But then she thought about the scars and the smile turned into kind of a serious frown. She had to talk to Kim about that. “But that’s not important now.”

 

Kim

Kim looked at Amber with a confused look, but then realized that her eyes had landed on her arm. She looked too - and realized that she wasn’t wearing a shirt. Panicking, she looked down her own front. She wasn’t wearing any shirt at all. But what about… she quickly looked under the covers. Damn it! She was only wearing her underwear… which must mean… that Amber had undressed her. Embarrassed like hell, she looked around for her clothes, but realized they were too far away so she just climbed as far under the covers as possible, only leaving her head out. She couldn’t believe that Amber had undressed her! Well, of course, it didn’t really mean the same thing to Amber as it did to Kim… but still! Right now, she just wanted to dig a hole, crawl into it and never come up again. Literally. Out of pure embarrassment, she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall, but before she knew it, Amber was suddenly hugging her. She was hugging the s**t out of her, and she didn’t know why. But she just kind of decided to hug back. There was no point in fighting, not when it came to Amber and hugging, she had learned that by now. Letting out a little smile, she could suddenly feel that Amber was crying. She didn’t know how to handle these situations. What did she do? Did she insult her in her sleep or something? Or, she didn’t…

“It´s gonna be alright. I’ll make it alright” Amber suddenly said, Kim still puzzled as f**k. But then she suddenly remembered. Amber must have seen the scars, thinking it was her fault. Finally understanding, Kim hugged Amber even tighter, if that was even possible. She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to tell Amber that it wasn’t her fault, but she just couldn’t get anything out. So she just ended up saying “yeah” and buried herself in Amber’s hair. It was kind of soft, like her skin. The two of them just hugged in silence for minutes, until they suddenly started tilting to the side, landing on the bed in front of each other, both laughing. Yeah. It was gonna be alright. When she had Amber, everything was gonna be alright.

Reviews

[Jordyn Gray]

It was wonderful! I really like how Amber seemed to struggle with what to do once she found out Kim cut, because a lot of people don't know what to do when they find out someone they knew is self-harming. There was a teeny inconsistency, wherever you're describing where Kim's room is, you say something along the lines of "her bedroom was on the first floor, so Amber had to drag her up the stairs"

[Alex]

It was of course meant to be second floor in stead of first floor. About Amber's reaction, I think it's just because she's so used to thinking logically that she automatically, in these situations, out of panic start thinking of a solution. Sadly, a lot of people have no idea what to do about this kind of stuff. I have some friends too who have had problems with self harm, and it was hard for me too in the start but I guess I gradually figured out how to handle it. That's probably going to help me with writing Amber as a helpful character for Kim, I hope :3 But again, I'm really glad that you like it!!