BLAMING GUILT

I’ve only got a glimpse of her through my astigmatic eye.
Draped in a tornado of red, perhaps a darkened Red Riding Hood.
She teeter-totters out of my conscience, messing with my head.
Then you think about a seesaw with buckets of physiological bullshit on either end.
She’s ghostly, she’s got timely appearances, they think I’m deprived of my meds.

Those almond eyes so deliciously impassive
Heartless eyes, cruel, remarkably depressing
I-told-you-so eyes that bore right through your pores
I build a wall around myself, denial, repressing…
…Repressing the image of those eyes reflecting upon my lies.

It won’t leave me alone. She won’t leave me alone.
Gnarled finger nudges up bifocals, writing pad, elaborate fountain pen,
Hairy attentive ears. He asks me a question__
I answer like a drone. Life goes on in a crash landing between Kansas and Oz.

I’m 46. Male. Asian. Diagnosed with diabetes.
Depression trails along like a Barbie doll accessory.
But maybe I’ve got more to add to my impressive resume?
-Do you know what schizophrenia is Yuan?
Yes Dr. Darrel, I do. I’ve seen the quadruple Oscar winning A Beautiful Mind.
I tell him she follows me.

-She follows me Dr. Darrel, her footsteps lead to bad memories
-She follows me until I end up following her
-She’s there when I’m doing my accounting and when I’m doing my relieving
-I feel her breath tickling my ear Dr. Darrel
He has diagnosed me with not schizophrenia but something much simpler
I wipe my perspiring brow with the collar of my tasteless jacket
-Yuan, I think you need to tell me about your past.

The drops of sweat bud again                                     
-No.
-You have to open up to me Yuan...

I can’t. I mustn’t. It wasn’t my fault.
Those almond eyes so deliciously impassive
It happened. Yes, but let me explain…
Heartless eyes, cruel, remarkably depressing
No…no. I thought it would be different, I didn’t mean it to be…
I-told-you-so eyes that bore right through your pores
It’s not my fault, it’s hers! Red hood, cloacked in red. It’s hers!
I build a wall around myself, denial, repressing…
…Repressing the image of those eyes reflecting upon my lies.
 

Author's Note

Wasn't sure whether to put it in a short story or poem section.

Reviews

[Clockwork]

I think it fits in this section. I suppose that the tone and the texture of the verses must have given you a little trouble deciding. I personally love it how your writing has this I don't give a damn bite to it but remains very striking. The images in this piece are well crafted, and I don't feel that you really had to force the rhyme that was there.

This is a great line by the way: "I answer like a drone. Life goes on in a crash landing between Kansas and Oz."

[Jonathan Ballam]

The format seems fine to me I really like some of the images you used like "Depression trails along like a Barbie doll accessory" and "I-told-you-so eyes that bore right through your pores". I loved reading this because it was an incredibly visual poem, and your imagery is stark and honest.

Well done!