Dirty Little Secret

From the moment I woke up I knew it was going to be a bad day. It was one of those s****y Monday mornings, rainy, glum, damn right depressing. I felt glued to my bed and the last thing I wanted to do was get up. What do you do when your mental health makes you feel s****y and lifeless? Do you stay in bed, or get up and do what your supposed to do because we all have responsibilities. I guess it depends.. on the person. You have to be really strong to pull yourself up out of the darkness your in and face life instead of the easy route of staying home in bed. I decided to get up. I took a look in the mirror and saw a very tired, uneasy looking version of myself. Dark circles, knotted hair, same clothes from 2 days ago. I put some concealer on, brushed my hair, put on some comfy clothes and headed off to start my day of school. It was my senior year of high school and I was missing out because I'd rather stay home in my loneliness then be around people. I know I needed to step up in order to graduate this year but I always felt stuck. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm not smart. Or maybe I just don't have the motivation. Either way, I walked in and went straight to the bathroom to finish my makeup to make myself a little more presentable. I never see myself as attractive anyway. I surely don't feel beautiful at 8 am with no shower! The week dragged on, my morning routine didn't change at all. It was a daily battle of me and my head and my head always wins. I believed all the horrible lies my head told me. It tells me nobody loves me. I'm not beautiful, I'm not meant for this life. So many hurtful lies. Or are they? Then there's the good days that make up for it. They shine light and remind me of why I'm here in the first place. Everyone has a purpose in life. I try to remember that on the bad days. "It'll get better" they say. Yes, it gets better. No, it doesn't last for long. Life is merely what you make of it. I would like as much out of this life as I can possibly get. There's so much I don't know. Life's weird like that. There's always something new to be discovered. I long to be a writer. Perhaps one that goes and drinks a lot of booze, has a lot of sex, and gets into trouble. Or the quiet writer destined to get the words she cannot say written onto paper some way. Maybe then people would understand the cruel, evil battle in my head. The things you'd find in my head would make your heart sink. Maybe even cringe. The day dragged on and as soon as I got to my room I collapsed on my bed and closed my eyes. It didn't seem like long, before I was awoken my someone knocking at my door. I sat up and said "come in". My voice cracking a little at the end. I looked up to see my mother. She had come to tell me that she was home from work. I couldn't have cared less though to be honest. I liked being alone. I can do what I want and there's no one to tell you otherwise. Spending the majority of your time alone makes you think a lot. You end up really becoming your own best friend, and start to really know yourself. I decided to practice meditation to open up my chakras. If you are unaware what that is, these are vast pools of energy in our bodies. There is said to be seven of these chakras within our body, with four in the upper body contributing to your mental health, and three in the lower body that govern our instinctual properties. I'm not exactly a spiritual person, but I love finding natural ways to cleanse the body. If these chakras are closed, it could possibly contribute to the crippling anxiety and depression I suffer from. After I finished, I felt clean. I felt relaxed. I decided to smoke some pot before bed, just to make sure I really get a good nights sleep. The next day was a total drag, (along with the rest of the week). That night, an older guy I had been talking to wanted to see me. I was a little intimidated but I slowly snuck out the back door, being as quiet as possible. As I approached the spot we were meeting at, I saw a vehicle with no headlights. I opened the door and got in. I looked over at him. He was totally handsome, and I knew I wanted him. He drove us to a building. I guess it was just an old multi purpose building. I got out and walked in, running almost because of the snow that was falling. We got inside and he pushed me against the wall. He kissed me passionately and we were making out intensely. He laid me on the cement floor, took off my panties and started licking me. I closed my eyes and let his tongue do the magic. He bent me over and fucked me. He fucked me on the cement floor so hard my knees bruised. "That was amazing" he said. He was quite a bit older than me so of course nobody could know about us and what we had done. I guess you can say it's our dirty little secret. We talked on the ride home, we had surprisingly deep conversations for it being our first time together. "You're not looking to catch feelings with me, right?" He said. "I know" I quietly replied. "It's okay if we like each other a little bit, but we can't be anything." I didn't say anything because I already knew that. I knew it was wrong on a lot of levels, but some will say, "nothing's that bad, if it feels good." He had a girlfriend. I guess she lived in Spain. By the time I got home it was already 3:00 am. I laid in bed thinking about him. Then I dozed off after seeing his last "goodnight" message.

Author's Note

thoughts? First chapter

Reviews

[C.O.]

I am not going to get into editing. I am just going to focus on content. You have the ability to express your thoughts in a manner that is digestible and easy for the reader to follow. It also allows the reader to understand and follow your feelings. It is only a chapter so I do not know where the book is headed, but good start.

[Tony Jordan]

I do like this. I like the depth of the internal monologue. I can relate - a lot. I guess it would be better if it was tidied up into paragraphs but there my 'expertise' finishes lol. I would recommend you seek out Jay G (top reviewer on here) if you seriously want technical help. He's the best we've got.


p.s. have you ever tried listening to binaural beats as a way of relaxing and/or energising? Just an aside...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mgwd_3k3pOw

Welcome to WC Rachelem.
:))