Loan Sharks

Loan Sharks

A Chapter by WriderParker

Tony gets a beat down from a few of the loan sharks he owes money too. Though after someone gives him a few dollars things might be looking up for Tony.


“Alright boys I think Tony got the message.” Said a slender figure with his black hair pushed back with pomade. Tony, a young college student laid on the wet and hard ground of the back ally he was forced into. His face bloodied and bruised.
Two large men that were recently beating on Tony were now picking him up to his feet. Each holding one of his arms while their boss slowly walked up to Tony and gripped his hair in his fist.  The man’s fingers were long and slender like his body, but strong and unusually ruff for a man that seems to just give the orders.

Tony gnashed his blood stained teeth under the pain of his hair being pulled back violently.
“Tony you know I like you. You’re my only client who actually put the money I gave him into college.” The loan shark said. His face skewed by fake sympathy. “But if you don’t have my money I have to beat your f*****g a*s like anyone else. Do you understand this, Tony?”

Tony gave a small nod, the best he could, and didn’t say a word �" fearful that he would be given another beaten. The Loan shark nodded his head back at Tony and let go of his head.

“Have my money soon Tony or I’ll break your legs. I bet it’s hard to get to classes in a wheelchair.” He said giving his thugs a nod and walked away. The thugs let go of tony, causing him to fall to the ground. With a loud thud his knees and hands slammed into the concrete as he caught himself.

Tony, a recent ex-convict just let out of jail, was trying to make a new life for himself. He wanted a college education and a job, something to be proud of after all the other bad choices. Though attempting to do better as a citizen doesn’t make the banks want to give you a loan. With no credit, a criminal past, and no friends Tony just didn’t have a way to get the money he needed for the Las Vegas Community College.  He soon found himself making deals with local loan sharks just so he could pay for the expenses of textbooks.

It took Tony some doing, after that beating, but he eventually crawled out of that dark ally. Taking a rest against the wall of a casino facing the lit streets of the city of Las Vegas. Sin City as most calls it, most of those that have a moral compass. In that light everyone could see the torn and bruised body of Tony. One of his eyes closed shut and swollen. Tony leaned his head to the right and spit a mix of saliva and blood on the sidewalk, nearly missing an erotically dressed woman.
            “Watch where you’re spitting, B***h!” The woman yelled out as she passed him by. Tony signed and simply flicked the woman the bird. To Tony it seemed like minutes were becoming hours as his blood soaked face dried under the heat of the Casino sign. He barely made any attempt to move his bruised legs. Someone even coming up and stuffing a few dollars into his hands, Tony thinking the person mistook him as homeless. Tony though didn’t refuse the money �"he was desperate now. 

© 2011 WriderParker

Author's Note

Everyone is a critic so have a swing at it.

My Review

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Good opening. It set the scene and, straight away, I know the type of story I'm going to get. Nice pace with the action.

Only feedback I have is don't be afraid to use the comma:) There were some sentences, I felt, needed to be broken up with a comma. If this is a first draft, then it's expected to get it down and worry about format later on.

Nice work thus far.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Okay, dude, I'm reading young writers' stuff today, so I'm talking mostly about what to do next. First, lose the pipe. :) Reading is as important as writing, and David Foster Wallace and Elmore Leonard and a few others generally suggest that you start out imitating the writers you admire and WHO ARE SUCCESSFUL. In terms of what you're doing right now, you need of back off the descriptions and focus on action. Try writing action scenes with no description, particularly ADJECTIVES and ADVERBS. EL uses almost no adverbs at all, one of the cleanest crime writers in the world. Try a couple of chapters a la EL. Robert B. Parker is another, clean, clear, fast and funny. David Foster Wallace is very open about getting your style sharp by trying out what other guys do, and being original after you've learned the craft. Picasso took all the classes and learned all the techniques and skills before he went off on his own. There is a school somewhere that makes their students REWRITE ENTIRE BOOKS to get a sense of why the authours write the way they do. Finally, don't be bashful about reading everything you can get your hands on about how to write, but only from ESTABLISHED AUTHOURS! There's a ton of stuff, and if nothing else it will give you a better idea of how many elements/factors there are to consider/practice/accept/reject. Have a swing at it!

Posted 8 Years Ago

I liked the overall concept of the story thus far. I have to agree with the other commenters though and say that it doesn't seem like a final draft. Though I am going to continue to the second chapter!!

Posted 9 Years Ago

For me writing is all about the character, in this instence you can work a little more on it. Like Luca says dont tell us, show us. Something to keep in mind when you write coming chapters.

Posted 9 Years Ago

I came in for the title and description of your book, now let me see why I'm staying. After doing dialogue, the word coming directly after it does not need to be capitalized. That's why you put a comma at the end of dialogue. Alley is spelled with an e, make sure to spell-check. His face bloodied and bruised is telling us. Show us. Say that blood dripped from his forehead, brushing over the dark marks on his skin created by punches. Give us something. Sometimes you forget to add commas, so make sure to read over it often. You forgot to capitalize some words also. If you try and take some of this and input into your writing, it will set a great premise for the rest of this story.

Posted 11 Years Ago

Its sets a nice premise for the rest of the story. Keep it up!

Posted 11 Years Ago

0 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Posted 12 Years Ago

A very strong opening chapter. When you deal with bad people. Few times you will win in the end. I like the ending to the excellent chapter. I will keep reading.

Posted 13 Years Ago

1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

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8 Reviews
Added on May 21, 2011
Last Updated on May 21, 2011



Bixby, OK

What do I write about? Well I guess you could say I write what I feel like at the moment. To poetry about life, love, and God. To writing Fiction, which i love. I am Christian and so my beliefs will p.. more..


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