Burning by Water

A very personal work. This is the best way I can describe my depression. I tried summing all of it into one thing, but I decided to split it into two works. So, Part II is being made.

It wasn’t when I was half way down. It wasn’t when I crashed. It wasn’t when I jumped. It was an idea that has been destroyed, been revived, survived the harshest treatment an idea can endure. It was an idea that had conditioned me into what I thought was reality. I gave into it. I gave into its hypnotizing ways, training me the basics of holding my breath, teaching me how to vanish when I’m in the spotlight, instructing me how to enter the realm of darkness until I no longer saw the light of my life. It brought me away from the ones that held my hand tightly as I was stuck in a position, which I had no control over. That little idea, that voice, taunted me with deadly thoughts.

 

The wind rushed through my hair.

A cool breeze swept around me.

I closed my eyes as I prepare

To crash into the sea.

 

It whispered haunting words and those words clawed into the back of my mind, engraving messages of release�"the pleasure of being released. They said, fall down…fall down…down, down, down until you drown. Breathe no more, you suffering child. Let the gentleness of death guide you into the afterlife. I argued with it for nearly a decade, but today shall be the day when I finally listened to them and crawled into my resting place. So, there I stood on the edge of the cliff, my toes off the edge, readying myself. It was up for me to decide if my breathing should become final.

 

Fall down into the earth.

Fall into its great depths.

You’ll never find out what you’re truly worth.

So, lay beside all what had happened, all those deaths.

 

Let the gentleness of death

Guide you into the afterlife.

You no longer need to have a struggling breath

In order to survive such a low life.

 

I won’t lie. I cried. I cried as I stood there, looking down at the coffin I welcomed. Deep inside me, somewhere I hadn’t seen, I wanted to live. I wanted to have a happy family, a loving husband, a successful career. All I wanted, truth be told, was the happiness I lacked. Dealing with death was my calling in life. It was nothing I ever wanted. However, as a child, I foresaw it. I envisioned my mother not being at my graduation or my wedding. I envisioned my father leaving after the loss became too much. From then on, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have a purpose in life. And it was my time to leave for another one to join.

 

The waves reached high

And engulfed me.

Within the water, I lost sight of the sky.

Then, all together, I began to not see.

 

The tempest danced around me, lifting my hair and sweater. Its touch brought bumps to my arms and legs. Chills caressed my spine. For a second, my hair blinded me and I forgot the sea. I brushed away the strands and stared forward into the evening sky, the ending period of twilight. Calming, I thought. Loveliest of the loveliest. At that moment, life was simple; life was quiet.

 

Hush, now, hush,

Sweetest child of mine.

There is no reason for you to rush.

Can’t you see the sign?

 

The clouds brushed the sky overhead, blocking the moonlight. I remained standing, pondering on my choice. There has to be another one, I think. But none surface… I scooted a little closer until I was balancing on the arches of my feet. The closer I got�"what it seemed to me�"the waves calmed and the current weakened as if it were preparing itself for an unforgettable welcome. I lifted my right foot and set the back of my heel against the other side of the ledge. I opened my mouth and breathed in heavily. Am I ready for this?

 

Currents swept around me,

Twirling me within it,

Sinking me into the bottom until I can’t plea.

Water filled my lungs, drowning my spirit.

 

As I saw the ocean sway in a mellifluous manner, I swore I saw into the darkness that lay at the undiscovered bottom. My eyes focused and from high above I saw my own reflection, rippled by dismay. My face was stained by warm tears and my appearance was damaged. I stood as a broken doll, missing cracks outlining my face. The hazel eyes I obtained looked like demonic black holes. The water held a demonic manifestation of me that needed to be cleansed. The voice spoke again:

 

You are tainted.

Can’t you see the demon?

A cleansing that is sacred

Can only happen if you begin.

 

You’re fate has been found.

It’s time for you to dive.

Let the water surround

You; you won’t survive.

 

The voice continually spoke gently, then hissed, then barked, and then lovingly. It tossed me around in emotions that caused me to scream. My mouth was agape and tears flooded my face. I was hyperventilating and unable to calm myself. My heart pounded against my chest, the pressure powerful enough to crush my torso. The voice increased its volume until it was the only sound I heard. It cheered me on, promised a deep cleansing, to vanquish what had consumed me. I fell to my knees, struggling to handle the pain.

 

Sinking down into the depths of the world,

Waiting to be burned by the boiling core

But only finding myself curled,

Sinking…and…sinking into a new door.

 

This was where it would end and after a decision, I began the process of forgetting. I had experienced the best love I was given and I released it. I had endured the worst pain a human could bear and I forgot it. I had witnessed the greatest moments in life and I, too, forgot that. Forget and forget, never forgive, don’t accept, and don’t relive. Take it all in and release it as if it never began. I sang that lullaby to myself, finalizing the remainder of what I had to do. That day, would be the last day I’ll ever have to live. I sang the lullaby again and again as I rose to my feet, hid away my vision, relaxed, and leaned forward.

 

Forget and forget,

Never forgive.

Don’t accept;

Don’t relive.

 

It wasn’t when I was half way down.

 

Forget and forget,

Never forgive.

Don’t accept;

Don’t relive.

 

It wasn’t when I crashed.

 

Forget and forget,

Never forgive.

Don’t accept;

Don’t relive.

 

It wasn’t when I jumped.

 

Forget and forget,

Never forgive.

Don’t accept;

Don’t relive.

 

It was an idea…

…that told me to kill myself…

 

The joy of it was nonexistent.

It suffocated me with increasing warmth.

The harsh tugging was consistent.

It tormented me in the singeing warmth.

 

I spun, I spiraled, and I sank into its core,

Where I began to burn uncontrollably.

I bellowed out an agonizing roar,

Catching aflame in the water, suffering unbearably.

 

I was burning by water,

A phenomenon unknown.

I grew weaker rather than stronger �"

I was overwhelmed by the déjà vu of being alone.

 

My skin was nothing more than fire;

I was being scorched to the bone.

Could I have been stopped prior?

Of course, the answer was unknown.

 

A gentle death was what I was promised,

A lie it became as I was solely an inferno.

I wanted what was the best for me, the calmest

Way to go…

 

However, I wasn’t killed by it,

although there was nothing left of me.