Flying

i'm like a bird, i wanna fly away

Flying

 

my pulse mimics the flapping of wings

the whoosh

the wind

of summer days

is under my weak limbs

i rise

heaven is below me

the human brain residing

enfolded and wet

is vaporized

 

i am finally, finally free

Reviews

[J. Randall Dodd]

sara,

sorry for the absence lately, been busy at work. i like the brevity of this piece (peace). overall, it leaves me wanting for clearer and more visual stimulation, after all, we men are visual creatures. how about some strippers or something... just kidding ;0P. but on a serious note: my thoughts in the order they came to me in reading [ 1. what kind of wings: butterfly wings sounds nice, but they flap kinda slow, plus they don't fly very high. bar-headed geese are the highest flying birds on record-- flying above mt. everest every year on their migration to tibet, however, bar-headed goose isn't exactly lyrical now is it ;0). i think that sparrow's wings sounds nice, but not sure. hummingbird's wings may be too quick for your pulse, but you get the gist. 2. the woosh may work better visually if the whole line was italicised, just a thought to set it apart and bring some more motion. 3. i think *heated wind* may help with the descriptive nature of the wind, especially since summer days directly proceeds it; plus, heated wind rises faster and may help you rise above the heavens better as well. 4. line five may add a bit of visual cue with a slight tweak... what about *lifts my limp limbs* it adds some alliteration to the middle and somewhat speeds up the reading and emotional tension for the climax of the poem. 5. *i rise* this one is iffy, but i think *i soar above* may fit better with the above mention of wings and the whole flying visual, plus with the next line reading *heaven is below me*, it provides a counterbalance with above + below. 7. *the human brain residing* i was thinking that since the rest is in first person perspective, it might sound better if it continued... maybe * my human brain residing* 6. not sure if wet works with the sound of enfolded, maybe damp...it continues with another "d" sound in the line. 8. not sure if the last line really needs the extra finally (especially italicized, it makes me want to kinda raise my voice and yell. not sure if that matches your intention.) i was thinking you meant a feeling of relief, in-which-case, i think
i am finally...
free

or

i am finally
free

alrighty, that's it. sorry for the non-brevity of this review. i don't want you thinking that i did not enjoy this piece and that you somehow failed to get your artistic vision across. that is not the case. i enjoyed the piece very much, and i had a very good vision, but i'm a bit near-sighted and needed some help ;0) i think this is one of your better works and just want to show that with some time taken to read it and give some thorough critique. later.

sincerely,
jr

[Ruth]

This is lovely
Concise and poignant write!
Freedom is different to everyone:) To have the brain vapourized is to be truly free! lol
xx

[Angel Veselinov]

Nice simple and straight to the point that people always envisioned something they can't do as their freedom :)

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

Thats remind me my first ever poem, Fly , I used the bee , but you expressed your willing to fly very beautifully , I am sure you will soon fly , much higher
Yossi

[TTBoy28]

"my pulse mimics the flapping of wings"... gosh, what a feeling that must be! You have a great gift for detailing Biology. It's an even greater feeling to imagine heaven below. Great piece! Thank you so very much for this!

[Rodrick Franklin McLare..]

totally... WOWed again! Beautiful... skip commentary.
Un-needed. Very liberating. Enough said...

[B0Beauxs]

:-) Once again you show your great intelligence and talent in writing.

It's so simple, but outstanding.

[Devons]

I really like the clinical choice of words that exist side-by-side with the lyrical ones in this poem. Especially 'Vaporized' - like a death ray... Concise and pretty, but not without its author's usual pang of intellect.

[Daisy123]

I love it.

[Prateeksha Khot]

the feeling one gets after reading this is really liberating