Yellow Skies

A natural look at hopeful depression.

Yellow Skies

My bones in other earthly dreams
heal in citrus waterfalls.
Roses sewn in leather seams
disintegrate when duty calls.
The bells of friendly creatures chime
to barns with broken music notes
and flowers wait for a good time
to die from dirty looks and quotes.
Yellow birds behind my eyes -
reflected in the mirrors of May.
So under sickly yellow skies
eternal sighs waft seas of gray.
The chimneys churn out fireflies;
I sit and watch them fly away.

Reviews

[AliciaB]

I am highly impressed by this poem. You have lots of different images going on here, and you weave them together very well. Everything has layers of meaning. "The bells of friendly creatures chime / to barns with broken music notes / and flowers waiting for their time / to die from dirty looks and quotes" - that is my favorite part. Animal voices represented as bells, personification of flowers, deadly "dirty looks and quotes" ("sticks and stones make break my bones, but words will never hurt me" - believed no one ever), and finally, the "broken music notes." That part is awesome; it calls to mind an actual music note symbol that's fractured in some way, reflecting the painful feelings residing behind the voices. I also like the line "The chimneys churn out fireflies" - I can SEE it happening! :) Great alliteration too. Nice repetition of the color yellow - it is prevalent throughout the poem, giving the title and the whole work lots of meaning. Your rhyming is excellent, and your rhythm is nearly flawless. Overall, fantastic job!

[emipoemi]

Powerful and profound, this poem!! Wow! Marvellously constructed, and beautifully painted. I must say, however, that I was stumped by one image ("yellow birds behind my eyes/Said the puddle mirrors of May").....compared to the rest of the poem, I've no idea what this is trying to add to the whole picture. This is overall stupendous, and I applaud you for it! Well done!

[Saria Lon]

Thank you!
That line is supposed to convey how I felt more hopeful during the time of May (the yellow birds symbolizing hope), but after that they were a bit more out of reach (behind my eyes), and remembering my old image through the puddles that May brought... something like that. I wonder if there is a better way I could have conveyed that image. Sometimes I'm too vague! Thank you for your reviews!

[emipoemi]

Yeah, it's the vagueness of the whole thing (best to try not too be too vague in poetry, then you lose your readers, which you don't want to at all....you want to keep them hooked). It's the only place where this falls flat, and it's really the "said" that's the real stumper. I would say "reflected in the mirrors of May".....that sounds better, the image is vague enough to beg for interpretation, and it doesn't mar the overall essence of the poem.

[Saria Lon]

Thank you! I'll fix it. I appreciate your input :)

[Pete]

This is quite good. You are a very creative writer the way you weave different words together creating imagery that jumps off of the page. I like your style & the way your mind works.

[ranscan]

Depths of darkness shining through the light. Immense language, the imagery carries universes of worlds, the word play is like a Celtic knot, beautiful it is own right, but essential to support the whole.
You will need to apply some punctuation, it will most likely be required by literary magazine in order to be accepted for publication, and if no other, this is one you should consider sharing with the world outside Writers Cafe.
I am very happy to have the honor to read this, it brings magic to this rainy first day of September.

[Saria Lon]

Thank you!! :) I appreciate the comment. I'm curious how I could change the punctuation- besides the periods and semi-colons, what else could I add? Maybe commas?

[ranscan]

Commas would work. By the way are lines 5 through 8 connected, or should line seven begin with a capital letter?

[PoeticSorcery]

fun and nice poem that should make people smile.

[Marianne Rose]

I love the interplay with real/dreamlike, nature/human beings, contrasts that take you up then down quickly in the following line. Although this feels obscure, it tells of a secret inner life commenting on the outer life. Though I don't know the secrets, I am content to live in the mystery of the story behind the poem. A deep work, evoking sadness, perhaps bitterness, and loneliness or isolation. Beautiful and evocative.

[Inject Positivity]

Very vivid imagery throughout the poem... The best thing about it was the concept... A lovely descriptive way to present the concept... I loved the rhyme scheme and your sonnet is very well balanced... Superbly done...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[Saria Lon]

Thank you! :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are a amazing writer.
"Yellow birds behind my eyes -
said the puddle mirrors of May.
So under sickly yellow skies
eternal sighs waft seas of gray."
The above lines. Perfect use of description. You took the reader to wonderful places and thoughts. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Saria Lon]

Thank you so much. That's exactly what I aspire to do with my writing, and I'm glad it's working! :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You did and you are welcome.