Never trust the new guy

Characters:

Edmund: A very serious young man, he is. For some reason he believes he lives in the Elizabethan Era; a time in the 1500's named after Queen Elizabeth I when she had ruled. The way he talks, he sounds like something out of Shakespeare's plays.

Isaac: Loves to make jokes. He makes fun of Courtney and Edmund.

Constance: Nice. Likes to keep the peace.

Millicent: Very droopy. Angry.

Courtney: He's a guy whose mother gave him a girls name. He isn't very happy about this. People make fun of him quite often, which makes him quiet and withdrawn.

Teacher: The teacher for their first period class. Gets annoyed very easily and is usually unfair to the other students and mean.

Boy: A random student in the classroom who Edmund takes his anger out on. He's very emotional; cries easily.

Guy In Blue: Another guy that Edmund bothers, by encouragement by others.

Where:

In a classroom; a public high school, the first period of the school day.

Note: It is not specifically clear which class they're in, it doesn't say. It doesn't really matter. Nor does the Teacher's name, as well as the Boy's or the Guy In Blue's.

****

Act I, Scene I

Isaac: Did you guys hear about the new guy in school? They say he's really weird. (Rolls eyes) By weird, I bet they mean appearance wise.

Millicent: (Snorts) By weird, I bet they mean sexuality wise and appearance wise. You know how people are at this school.

Courtney: I second that.

Constance: (Dramatic gasp) Millicent! Courtney! How could you say that? That is so not true! And you know it. (Glares at Millicent and Courtney)

Millicent: Oh, give it a rest, Princess. Have you seen the way some people act at this school? They verbally destroy each other, in case you haven't noticed.

Constance: Well... (sighs) You are right. But still. It still isn't a very nice thing to say.

Millicent: Whatever. (Lays head down on desk)

Isaac: Look! Guys! Here comes the new guy now. Let's see if what everyone else were saying's true. (Grins giddily like a little boy)

[A young man enters the classroom wearing a light blue Doublet, dark blue Separate Sleeves, turquoise Breeches, blue Ruff, and a dark, dark, blue Cloak, and holding a sword]

Courtney: Wow... (Mouth open, eyes popped wide) He really is weird.

Edmund: Oh, churl! Oh, foul sottish elf skinned lout! (Points sword at Courtney)

[Courtney, as well everyone in the classroom gasps, his eyes popping out of his head, face red with fear]

Courtney: (Sweat drop) Look, man, I didn't mean to say...weird. I just meant that...you know...you're a little...odd. (Winces as Edmund circles the end of the sword around his Adam's Apple, almost near fainting.

Isaac: Wait, man! Just hold on! I mean, he may be a little... girlish but let's not do anything...drastic. Alright?

Edmund: In sooth, thy dank cavernous tooth-hole consumes all truth and reason! (Points sword at Isaac's neck now)

Millicent: (Scowls, angry)what the...? Put down the f*****g sword and leave those idiots alone! What do you want with them, anyways?

Edmund: Good King Of Cats, why nothing but one of thy nine lives, of course!

Constance: (Nervous, voice cracking at the sight of the big sword)Honey. Sweetheart. Please, just...put down the pointy weapon, okay?

Millicent: (Yelling)this is crazy. He's not a f*****g child! He doesn't deserve to be treated like one. What he deserves is one of my boots up his a*s!

Edmund: (smiles cruelly)Thou roguish, boil brained scullion! Oh, Fie! Doth thy challenge me? If so, I am for you.

Millicent: (Confused) Look, I don't know exactly what you just said but I'm pretty sure you just insulted me.

[Teacher enters]

Teacher: What on earth is all this racket about? I could hear you guys from down the hall! (Crosses arms, looking around the room at everyone disapprovingly)

Courtney: (Jumps up quickly, stabbing a giddy finger at Edmund) Him! He did it!

Teacher: Oh, pish posh, Courtney! This well dressed young man couldn't have possibly caused any trouble on his first day! (Smiles at Edmund hugely, who curtsies before her)

Teacher: Oh, come now! What a fine gentleman he is, too! He has manners! (Claps hands excitedly) Something a lot of you teenagers in this room seem to lack a great deal of. (Eyes around the room pointedly)

[Annoyed murmurs sound throughout the entire room]

Edmund: (Curtsies again) and what a fine young hood you are, Mi lady. (Flashes a smile)

Teacher: (Giggles like a little girl, blushing horribly) Oh, Stop! You're making me blush!

Edmund: Surcease?Nay,for it be so! Thou shall receive the highest praise of all! Why, I could count thy ways ye are fairer than a kiss upon thy cheek! More fairer than a rose on the water's edge! (Takes Teacher's hand and kisses it softly)

Teacher: (Blushing harder, sweat drop) Lovely, lovely! And what may I address you as, young man?

Edmund: Edmund. (Holds out sword before him in a professional matter, trying to appear superior) Edmund Allen Young… (Pauses for dramatic effect) The third.

Isaac: Oh, God. These two could go on for hours. (Yelling) We all know you want to do her, Eddy! So, you two should just go at it since you're alright flirting!

Millicent: (Yawns, stretching) you took the words right out of my mouth.

Edmund: (straightens clothing with a firm, exaggerated tug, clearly annoyed) My title is Edmund. Who is this Eddy fellow?

Constance: Guys stop being so mean to Edmund!

Courtney: (Yells) are you serious? He tried to kill me earlier!

Isaac: (Screams)Hey! You weren't the only one!

Millicent: (Rolls eyes)Guys! The fact of the matter is that Eddy, Edward, or whatever his name is…he's clearly psychotic! I mean, come on, the guy's wearing tights and has a sword for f**k's sake! A sword! Doesn't that just scream insane to you?

Edmund: Why you warped elf-skinned hag seed, you churl! Thy puling has displeased me! (Draws sword, points it Millicent's neck)

Teacher: See, isn't he quite the charming gentleman? He just complimented you! (Grins, clapping hands) How sweet of him!

Edmund: (Discontinues pointing his sword at Millicent's neck)Why, thank you, Madam. (Smiles, Curtsies)

Millicent: (Eye twitches angrily, nostrils flaring) that was not a compliment! I don't know exactly what he said but he said 'Hag seed'! That has something to do with me being a witch! Are you deaf? Please don't tell me you didn't hear him say it!

Teacher: (Glares at Millicent) I didn't hear him say it.

Millicent: (Screams) What? Are you f*****g serious? Come on!

Teacher: But the verbal inquiry you made clearly asked if I had bad hearing.

Constance: No! She didn't mean it! (Feigns a huge grin) And here, have an apple for your troubles. (Gives Teacher an apple)

Teacher: Thank you, Constance. But your dear friend is getting a detention for annoying me with her melodramatic babble drabble.

Millicent: (mouth open in shock)But…but…that's not fair! I…I…

Teacher: Well, it's fair to me and that's all that matters. And close your mouth, dear, it's impolite to drool.

Courtney: (Aside to Millicent) Ouch, Mill. I'd hate to be you right now. (Laughs)

Teacher: And, you, Courtney, are also punished. But you get double detention because you were mocking your poor friend here.

Courtney: But….Now, wait a minute! Wait! No…I…

Teacher: Save it, Courtney. I've heard enough of your crap.

Courtney: Come on! I didn't even do anything!

Teacher: That's quadruplet detention, Mr. Courtney.

Courtney: But that's, like, four detentions!

Teacher: (Slaps a hand to chest dramatically, feigning sincerity) Oh, I'm so sorry, Courtney! I really meant to give you a quintuplet detention. Is that better?

Courtney: (eyes bulge) what? No! I take it back! I take it-

Teacher: Would you like a Sunday detention on top of that?

Courtney: (sweat drop) But that's not possible!

Teacher: Oh, believe me, It can be arranged. (Laughs darkly)

Isaac: You are one evil lady. But I'll give you points for taking advantage of your power and torturing Courtney here.

Millicent: (Mutters) Agreed…except for that last part. She shouldn't get any points.

Teacher: (Shrugs) it's not my fault he has a girls name. That, I wont take credit for.

Courtney: (crying) Hey! It's not my fault! My mother wanted a girl, okay?!

Teacher: (snickers) I don't blame her. You're a very annoying young man. (Grins at Edmund) Unlike Master Young here, who is beyond better in comparison.

Edmund: Oh, Madam! Surcease! You make me blush! (Face reddens to the color of a tomato)

Teacher: Now, now, Edmund. Come now! You and I both know you're the only model student of this class. (giggles)

Constance, Isaac {Together in unison}: Hey!

Teacher: (screams) That's octuplet detention, Foolish Delinquents!

Isaac: (indifferent) Eh. Whatever. It's not like I have a life anyways. (Falls asleep on desk)

Constance: (cries) now I'll never get into a good college with so many detentions!

Millicent: (Smiles) Great! Then you'll be joining me in Community College!

Constance: (cries harder) my dreams are ruined! I'm ruined!

[Constance exits]

Teacher: Well. She cracked sooner than I thought she would.

Millicent: God. What else can go wrong?

[Boy enters, his thumb in his mouth]

Edmund: [Aside to Boy] doth thy bite their thumb, sir?

Boy: Um…Yeah. (Nervous) See, it's, like, this bad habit I have"

Edmund: No matter! Doth thy bite their thumb at me, sir?

Boy: Uh…No? I wasn't really biting my thumb at anyone.

Edmund: (Growls) Great Assembler! Culminate your lies and come hither!

Boy: (gulps) Um, Okay. But why? Did I do something"

Edmund: Come hither and make hence, for I will not away!

Boy: But why?

Edmund: (annoyed) Stay away and thou shall become a rusted corse on the Earth, ye pig bellied canker sore! I say a-gain, come hither, Boy!

Boy: Just tell me what I did wrong! What did I do?!

[Boy exits in hysterical tears]

Teacher: Edmund, That was not very nice of you. (laughs) And I love it!

Millicent: What?! You evil little bi"

Teacher: (stern voice) Finnish that sentence, young lady, and I'll give you so many detentions that you wont qualify to go to any college in the entire United States when you graduate.

Millicent: (evil grin) You. Evil. Little"

Teacher: (shrieks) that's indefinite detention, you little brat!

Millicent: (jumps on top of desk) you know what, lady? I'm tired of your bitching! Let's go, right now, right here!

Teacher: Bring it, Brat. (takes off earrings and heels and gives them to Courtney) Hold this, Girl.

Courtney: I'm not a girl, for the last f*****g time!

Edmund: Ye mustn't brawl without a weapon. (Gives Millicent and Teacher swords that he seemingly got from thin air)

Millicent: I sure as Hell don't know how to fight with a sword but I'm gonna try and take down this b***h one way or the other.

Teacher: Same here.

[They fight]

Teacher: You ungrateful little b***h!

[Everyone in the class gasps dramatically]

Millicent: Fucktarded wank stained w***e!

[Millicent stabs Teacher in the chest and she falls]

Teacher: I've been stabbed! Woe is me! Get me a surgeon! A doctor! Anything! No…wait…it's too late! I die, I die, I die, I DIE!

[Dies]

Courtney: Yes! Now I don't have to serve my detentions!

Millicent: Me, nether!

[They hug]

Isaac: (wakes up) What happened?

Courtney: (hyper) Millicent here just totally powned the Teacher!

Isaac: (grins) Seriously?

Millicent: (blushes) Well, you know, I am a natural at sword fighting

Courtney: (confused) But you said that you didn't know how to"

Millicent: (slaps a hand over Courtney's mouth, forcefully grinning at Isaac) I was awesome!

Courtney: (rips Millicent's hand from his mouth, babbling excited like a child) It was! Millicent was all 'I'm sick of your bitching' and the Teacher was all 'bring it, brat' and then Edmund broke out the swords and then they totally went at it! It was AWESOME, Isaac!

Isaac: I bet it was (laughs) you're such girl, man.

Edmund: (mutters) hideously dressed hicks, all of you.

Millicent: (snickers) Said the guy wearing tights and a cape.

Edmund: (offended) Nay! Such attire be none other than a cloak! And a majestically, handsome, cloak indeed.

Isaac: Man, you gotta stop talking like that! It's so annoying!

Courtney: Agreed

Millicent: Okay, Eddy. We'll teach you how to talk normal. Okay?

Edmund: Well…alright, Mint.

Millicent: My name is Millicent. Not Mint.

Isaac: Hey, Eddy, man, go up to that guy over there in the blue shirt and say 'What up, Dawg?'

Edmund: Will do.

[Edmund walks up to Guy In Blue and strikes what he thinks is a 'gangster pose']

Guy In Blue: (annoyed) Can I help you?

Edmund: (sweatdrop) what is up…dog?

Guy In Blue: What did you just call me?

Edmund: (confused) I believe I just called you a…dog.

Guy In Blue: Boy, you better leave me alone before I smack you into another race!

Edmund: (angry) Why you….! (Draws sword from rapier)

[Guy In Blue smacks Edmund across the face, smacking him to a mexican race]

Guy In Blue: I told you not to mess with me!

[Guy In Blue exits]

Edmund: (near tears) Pienso que acabo de ensuciar mis pantalones!

Millicent: Well, it's obvious that Eddy over here fails at life. So, what are we gonna do with the body?

Isaac: What body? (alarmed)

Millicent: You know, the Teacher's body. She can't just stay there.

Courtney: (stutters) I…I don't know what you're talking about.

Edmund: Que sucedio a mi voz? Mi voz? Mi hermosa voz!

Isaac: Yeah…what Courtney said…

Millicent: (shrugs) so, were just gonna look the other way then? You know, turn the other cheek?

Courtney: I'm hungry. Let's go get some ice cream! (Squeals girlishly)

Isaac: Okay…but you're paying. I paid last time.

Courtney: (rolls eyes) Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Edmund: Helado! Sí!

[Courtney, Isaac, and Edmund exits the room]

Millicent: (panicked) Guys? Guys?! GUYS! Seriously! Come back! This is so not funny!

FIN

Author's Note

I wrote this a few months ago after reading Romeo and Juliet. I was bored and I wanted to write something that I thought was funny.

Reviews

[FuzzyWuzzyPandaOfAwesom..]

This play is inspiring, humorous, and flat out stimulating to read over and over again. I wish to embrace your sweet, and somehow attracting playwriting skills. I ask you to take me on as your apprentice. c:

[SamBug]

I laughed. THis was hilarious. I love how the boy in blue totally slapped Edmund seriously into another race. Then he became mexican. It was great! Thank you so much for sharing. I enjoyed this and laughed extremely hard! :)

[~Z]

XD
I LOVE IT~!

~Z

[Rachel 6sixtrümper]

funny!! and i agree, more should be explained, otherwise its great!

[Alex Thomas]

It is pretty funny. It's a tad strange. Oh, men bow. Women curtsy. It's a bit random. Not much was explained. Okay though. Good job