Introduction

Bristol, 1153

Henry DeBeck, sat upright on his horse, as a solider for as long as he could remember and at heart a natural warrior. He had never embraced the winter with anything but contempt. So to be in a foreign country in the heart of a harsh winter was anything but an ideal situation.

Henry's mind was weighed down this morning, but all of a sudden something harsher than the winter's cold, this was the burning glare of Henry Plantagenet Duke of Normandy and ruler of Anjou and Aquitaine. The Duke had come to England to take the crown of England, he had tried 4 years ago but had failed lacking the support of the English Baron's and had been only 16 years old and not had the experience for a successful campaign.

This time felt different to Henry DeBeck, he had known the Duke nearly all his life and knew the determination and energy that the Duke had. The English crown had been stole from The Duke's mother The Empress Matilda, by her cousin Stephen.

The Duke looked his friend Henry DeBeck straight into his eye and said '' This time i will not fail, I will take the crown from this usurper Stephen, this false king that has bought may family's Kingdom into misrule, I promise this when i next leave this land, I will be King.

 

Reviews

[Francis Bernath]

Greetings,

I like to do pros and cons lists to try and help focus on the things that need improvement and praise the things that you have clearly mastered. So, here it goes.

CONS:
1. There are some grammatical mistakes including some punctuation and word displacement. For example: "Henry DeBeck, sat upright on his horse, as a soldier for as long as he could remember and at heart a natural warrior."
It is definitely a run-on sentence without a clear purpose or introduction. If this is your first sentence you want to pull me in. My suggestion: "Henry DeBeck, a soldier and natural warrior for as long as he could remember, sat upright on his horse glaring at the winter white before him."
It draws you in and gives you a scene in once sentence.
2. I'm not sure the tone here. He's not happy being in this winter drudge and that is clear but what of his loyalty to Henry Plantagenet? Why is he loyal? Perhaps give him a somewhat detailed background of how he came into Henry's service.
3. The first read through I was uncertain who was narrating. Henry DeBeck or Henry Plantagenet. I suggest calling one of them Harry, perhaps as a nickname?

PROS:
1. Good subject! Henry II is an interesting character in history and if you can manage to bring his character to life through his companion DeBeck, you could easily have an engaging and adventurous book on your hands.
2. Great place to start. Henry's second conquest is a massive turning point in English history, no doubt. You capture the scene with the winter cold and that is a good place to start this journey.
3. Great language and tone. I think that if you were to use the duke's tone as determined, and even a little desperate, you could really shape the world around you and the events to come.

Great job overall! Other than the grammatical mistakes it reads quite well. I also really like the subject. I hope this helps.