Ten Seconds...

I took a seat.

Then a second later

turned my head

towards she

and it was more

than right that

our eyes

would meet.

A lightning bolt

in a bottle,

ready to super-nov-

Ugh…

I want to tell you

that I love you.

That’s how beautiful

I can tell

you are.

Inside

and

out!

Just like a

Pop Tart...

I want to bite

it for a rush.

Ouch!

Not so fast.

I burned my

Tongue.

The desires of

my inner lust,

but surely,

it’s a must,

that the essence 

of this 

tells me

that she’s 

much more

than this...

Sweet nutrition!

Reviews

[Rynn]

"I took a seat.
Then a second later
turned my head
towards she
and it was more
than right that
our eyes
would meet." I took me a bit to get into the rhythm of the piece, but I really appreciate the way you've broken up the sentences.

"A lightning bolt
in a bottle,
ready to super-nov-
Ugh…
I want to tell you
that I love you." - I love how casual you've written something that has such weight. I can feel the underlying frustration of not being able to say those words to someone.

"That’s how beautiful
I can tell
you are." - There's such an off way that you've written some of these lines, they are just really original sounding and I love the - quirkiness you have to your voice.

"Inside
and
out!
Just like a
Pop Tart...
I want to bite
it for a rush." - again I have to stop and appreciate the originality in your description. Well done! It adds a lightness to the piece as if to limit the intensity but still get the same ideas across.

"The desires of
my inner lust,
but surely,
it’s a must,
that the essence
of this
tells me
that she’s
much more
than this...

Sweet nutrition!" - I think you could remove the exclamation point after 'out' since you have one after nutrition. I like it better at the end. I love how you've compared this to nutritional food versus the stuff that tastes good but isn't good for you. Very original take on things. I enjoyed it much, thank you! Write on.

-Rynn

[sinNsincerity]

Thanks Rynn, I always try to do my best to capture the moment or feelings and allow the poem take on a life of its own rather than forcing it into something its not.

[sereenaoutloud]

I love this... you feel the playfulness of trying to catch that girls attention ... it is super cute.
POP tarts who doesnt like a pop tart? but i hate mine toasted .. i just eat it right out the packet!! rebel i am heheheh

[sinNsincerity]

This is a crazy one Bestie.
I wrote this about a lady I met in my Child Development course a few days ago.
So for we have become really good friends and that's all I can ask for.
The crazy part was that we found out that we grew up not to far from each other.
It just was really great to meet someone that who was able to relate to my old lifestyle and upbringing and vice versa. I think those are one of God's blessings.

[sereenaoutloud]

that is a blessing..and i agree it is so nice when someone can relate to your old lifestyle /upbringing. I have that all on here with friends who are for the same country as me growing up!! Its an instant connection!!

[sinNsincerity]

YES it is!!!

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

I like the brisk and funny transition from poetic and romantic words to you being blunt about your feelings without grandiose words, just your raw self and your raw feelings. LOVE THIS!

[sinNsincerity]

I'm glad to hear that you liked it Nadia =D
Thank you so much!

[marcus]

It only takes ten seconds, to fall in love!

[sinNsincerity]

Sometimes yes!

[Kerry Kane]

I really like this. This style of poetry is very prevalent right now, and it's one I wish I could do!

Constructively: "Then a second later" Take out the 'then'...better flow.
"towards she" make it 'her'...the 'she' feels clumsy.

Otherwise, a really cute piece.

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you so much Kerry. Have you tried writing in that style before?
It's just something I've been doing for a second now.
I feel it gives it good rhythm and makes the words roll of the tongue much easier.
At first I didn't have the, "then," but after reading it a few times I added it to give the poem a slight pause before it began. Sort of like a roller coaster ride that pauses before it drops...

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the poem. I liked the positive flow of words leaving the reader with positive places and thoughts. You expressed need and love with a very nice tone. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you for reading and thinking so!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Annacate]

I like the vivid, concrete images of the supernova and the poptart. I like the rhythm, too. The poem reads like a rap and it's colorful. The line, 'The essense tells me that she's much more than this' shows depth.

Beautiful poetry, as usual, David.

[Annacate]

She sounds amazing! :) Did you give the poem to her?

[sinNsincerity]

Oh no, I wouldn't do that...

[KWP]

how can any woman be more than a pop tart? I mean seriosly POP!! - a warm casing, a sweet centre that rushes gushes out when squeezed and so mmmm mmmm mmmm delicate to taste ....

I like this very much - I thought that the poem was going to only last ten seconds - either I was wrong or I wasn't spitting it out fast enough - I like what you did with Supa - Nova - Ugh - very creative my friend ...

great stuff X

[sinNsincerity]

I thought it would be a good analogy/ metaphor, amazing inside and out just like women.
Thank you so much KWP!

[ANTO]

I like the drop of the pretension in the middle - the speaker begins the wooing then realises that they're fancy words are having no effect "...Ugh..." and drops the 'big words' - deciding that sometimes simple is best. a wannabe lover (maybe a player) who has met his match. I liked this and the layout was a good representation of the hurried train of thought Sin.

[sinNsincerity]

That's awesome Anto, I'm glad you did enjoy that.
I had initially written it different then changed it this way, so I'm glad it worked well!

[Jamestown]

Great write!
Those eyes can really do a number on us
can't they? Thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[sinNsincerity]

Yes they can, and those eyes, OMG those eyes!
Thank you James!

[I Am Svetlana]

It's strange how much one can think in ten seconds and how many thoughts we endure! We can tell a lot from a person in just a few seconds. Timing is everything...

[sinNsincerity]

It really is a trip and quite amazing!
Thank you so much for reading.