October 3rd, 2006

October 3rd, 2006:

My last pack of cigarettes and nearly my last pot of coffee. I'm running out of reasons to stay here. My roommates don't like me, and my friends aren't calling, I need a break. I suppose this is going to be last day, I will leave after my coffee and a brief shower. I will inform Tyler of my adventure, for somone needs to know I suppose. Part of me wants to talk to my family, but a stronger, bigger part of me never wants to see that b***h again. I've gone through to much to return home begging for forgiveness. I now consider myself on my own and nothing will ever change that. I'm in the real world now, and I will do as I please.

It seems that my life was a mistake. Honestly, if feels as if I wasn't meant to be here. I may not be sure if it's my fault, though I can't for the life of me think of something I was "born to do". I can't possibly be the only one in this world that feels this way...right? I have unpacked my bags and gotten rid of all materials that are no need to me. Now I will be carrying just a backpack with some clothes, toothbrush, soap, and cigarettes. Already on my fourth cup of coffee while only being awake for just a couple of hours. This trip doesn't scare, or rather intimidate me what so ever. The only thing that keeps me here, staring down the road of Keever Avenue where I will start my journey is this case of depression that continues to grow with every passing minute. I want to sit here while sulking in self-sympathy and close myself of fromt he world. I can lock myself in the basement of this Keever Avenue house where an old mattress, loud washer and dryer, and my box full of clothes and books. The sad thing is...that has been my home for over a week now.

The sun is lying low in the sky, and the Autumn/Halloween smell has arrived and it does nothing more than bring back more memories. Oh how I wish there was a signifigant other I could call and tell them everything, or a shoulder to cry on like the child I truly am. I want to cry for hours without having to say a word. I'm not ready for any of this, the world is to big and my mind is still so small. In fact the second she slammed the door, I wanted to go back to a time when I was pure and innocent and forget about growing up. At the time, it never crossed my mind that it was just the beginning of the growing up process. My life rests in my own hands now, without the warmth of a Mother's love. Only I would be able to get myself into this. I thought all kids experimented with drugs?

That's it! I'm out of here now! Why am I doing this to myself? If I feel like walking I need to do it, I was always told not to fight my instincts. If I end up regretting the desicion then I merely come back...back to this Keever Avenue house.

 

Prior to leaving I left a note for my roommates, to tell my friends what I have done, I just didn't care enough to let anyone know. Some things are better left unsaid anyway. I have been strolling the streets for awhile know. I purposely brought no watch or phone, I figure I will sleep when I want to, eat when I'm hungry, and relieve myself when called for. The point of doing this is freedom...isn't it? I suppose five hours would be an accurate guess. I have left Kannapolis already. At the sign I looked back and stared upon the city and waved goodbye. I expect I may return someday, though I refuse to promise myself anything. For all I know I will get sick of it this evening and call Jessica begging for a ride home. For a couple that had an awfully rough break-up, we surely do get along now. Perhaps it is better for some people to stay away from relationships, with love comes stress and emotions some may nto be able to handle. Though if love is natural like society believes, then some people may suffer forever?

As I sit on this bench in a very small park. I suppose it for a school, though nobody I've seen come by seems as though they would attend the elementary school located right next to it. I'm in China Grove now, the town lying just next to Kannapolis. I definitly should be a littler farther than I currently am, although I had to explore the town in which I have gone through so much. I have been China Grove before many times, even have some good friends that reside nearby. I have thought about just knocking on one of their doors and asking to stay. Although right now I have an unexplainable sense of accomplishment within me right now. I do not believe it would stay there if I was to sleep in a comfortable bed. I didn't even have that back on Keever Avenue. I will never forget the bed I had for many years at my Mother's house...indeed. Covered in sweat from the harsh sun. This cloudless day was definitly a good day to start my journey, I hold no remorse for doing so. I must get off my a*s and continue for the sun has moved throughout the sky and rests no to far from the horizon. With it getting dark soon, I feel as though I need to get farther before my first night arrives.

 

Oh journal, I wish my vocabulary contained the proper words to describe the night sky. Not a cloud in sight, just stars and the moon shining as if it knew I was here. It's almost as if it is a lamp shined right over my shoulder merely for my writing and when I'm finished the tug of a cord will put it out. I suppose I'm in Salibury now, though I'm not sure. Without thinking I kind of veered off the road awhile back and walked upon this hill high enough for to look out for miles. I believe I will rest here for the night. Laying up here left in the up-most relaxed state I've experienced in awhile. At least for a few moments not a care would burden me, and it felt as if weight was lifted off my shoulders. Though my legs do ache, for I must have walked around twenty-five miles today. Considering my history on giving up, I surely hope I don't wake up with sore legs and decide to call it off. I certainly do need sleep though. So I will lay here without the common luxeries of a pillow or blanket, I will enjoy the great outdoors and will write again tommorrow sometime.