Prologue and Chapter 1

Prologue

My name is Zephyr C. Terah and I suck at magic.

My fire magic is pathetic.

Wind didn’t bother with me.

Earth ignored me.

And when it comes to water… let’s just say it’s bad and leave it at that.

I live in a world called Atmose. A grand world where magic permeates through to the very core of every living being. More specifically Stratus, a relatively easy-going country. And finally the place I’ve never left since the beginning of my life, Dustrus, a small city nothing too big that happens to share space with vast farmland.

In Atmose, or at least in most of the civilized world, our education system consists of eight years of instruction starting at seven years old. When we finally pass our eighth year we choose whether we go to a guild or college. A guild or magical guild is where one goes if they wish to refine their skills in the arcane and take a chance at epic experiences. College here in Atmose is free. No out of pocket expenses at all. Personally I like most kids wanted to go to a guild and earn riches beyond my imagination but as you already know that road is not available.

 ~My story starts on a regular Saturday morning.

                                  

 

Chapter 1

“Zephyr time to wake-up,” says my mom from the other side of my door.

“Ugh, why do I have to wake up this early on my day off I will never know,” I say mostly to myself knowing she was already halfway down the steps. Having already woken up ten minutes ago the sense of dread heavy on my mind that I will soon be considered a quote on quote productive member of society, entering into a college instead of a guild like some dweeb.

            I sit up and look around my room. This is one of the last times I look at my room before I go to college or by some grand deities grace a guild. I grab a change of clothes and a towel and hop into my en suite bathroom. Two years ago when my sister was in the same position as me, well not the exact same as me, she had already received word from Rosa de Sangre or the Blood Rose guild. It was a serious fire user’s guild and they had their eye on her ever since she entered that amateur tournament using her own self-taught Azulong form at nine years old. It was unheard of for someone to teach them self the Azulong form, let alone before the age of ten.

Most spend at least five years with a master of the form and even then they didn’t reach my sisters level. What she did landed her a spot in any guild that accepted fire users around the globe. To top things off once she learned Azulong she went on to learn the Pouncing Tiger form and basically mastered it before she went to Rosa de Sangre. Many across the globe knew Khione Terah’s name, and what am I, a pitiful excuse for a Soul energy user, hell I shouldn’t even be able to say that. To be a magic user you actually have to use magic right?

            After I take my shower I go downstairs and make myself a bowl of cereal. I sit in front of the living room TV barely listening to the dull noise. My mom’s upstairs doing who knows what. I finish my breakfast and go back upstairs. I grab my practice dagger. My father gave me a practice dagger when I was ten along with a whetstone, polishing oil, a sheath and a weapons belt. Back then he still hoped I’d follow in my sister’s footsteps. I vault down the stairs and I’m almost out the door when my mom says.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Out mom,” I say my hand still on the door.

“When did you plan on mailing the application?”

“Mailed it yesterday mom,” I say annoyed.

“Oh,” is all she has to say.

“Mom I know I suck at magic I don’t have any impossible fantasy of being accepted by a guild, not anymore,” I say defeated. I walk out the door after that.

            I walk to my favorite place in the woods; it’s a cave about a quarter mile from my house. For some reason the front of the cave for about twenty feet nothing touches it, no leaves, weeds, grass, flowers, animals, magical creatures, nothing. I never bothered finding out what it was. I feel like it would take away some of the mystery. Ten minutes later I’m standing in the middle of the clearing. I sit down crossing my legs and place my hands in front of my abdomen, curving them inward and focus. I’ve been trying for two years to get better at Soul energy through self-teaching but I’ve made close to no progress. I checked out a book from the library, well more like three-dozen books from the library on Soul energy. Every book says the first step is to clear your mind of distractions. The second step is to focus on a shape. The third is to expand upon it, tapping into your personal pool of energy. The fourth step is to bring the energy into the real world and let it complete its function. My trouble lies somewhere between the third and fourth step. Half the time I can launch it but it never hits the target and the other half it smokes out before I even pick a target.

            I focus on the shape. The orb is simple and easy enough, I allow the energy to pour out of me and slowly the orb takes form in my mind. Then I expand upon it while slowly opening my eyes. I stand and look for a small tree. I find one pretty quickly because it’s the one I always aim at. I launch the Soul sphere at the tree and for a second I think it’ll hit just one time before I go to college but then it takes a sharp turn and hits the ground, sputtering out, just like my dreams. I fall backwards on my butt and look at my watch. Ten minutes, f*****g hell this stuff takes forever. Instead of more pointlessness I try something I can actually do.

            I have this ability, this vision that allows me to see the energy around me. As usual the clearing is white nothing not even roots or bugs will touch this twenty foot clearing. The clearing itself is a perfect circle made of some white nondescript material. Twenty feet in every direction including up and down there is nothing. But just outside of it the green of roots starts. I see the red of normal animals like rabbits and squirrels. I see the occasional orange of a magical creature or the blue of a human of in the distance, but no one or thing comes near the clearing. I look slightly to my left and see something new. I know it wasn’t there yesterday, or even five minutes ago. I stand up and walk towards it. The only other time I’ve seen yellow was when my friend Rafael used his ice magic in front of me. I’m standing over the energy and release my vision. I see now it a chain scythe but not just any chain scythe but a chain scythe of the Black Hand. The Black Hand was an assassin’s guild, they like most guild got paid to take on missions, but their missions always involved someone getting murdered. I knew this was a Black Hand’s weapon by the runes on the weapon and how they seem to be under a pane of glass. I remember from school that assassins curse their weapons to kill anyone who stole them, just another reason the guild had been officially disbanded, of course there were still Black Hand members walking around. I immediately drop the weapon and walk back to the clearing; I wanted nothing to do with that thing.

I pull the vision forward again and look around. To my left I see a flash of orange. I look in the same direction, and something is moving towards me. It’s orange, which means magical creature, but magical creatures don’t come near the clearing. I pull off the vision and I see the scythe coming towards me. Moving like a snake. It stops at the edge of the clearing and the tip of the blade seems like it’s almost looking at me, and the end of the chain is moving like a rattle snakes. The tip looks down where the clearing starts and touches it with the end of the chain. I’m too shocked to move. It touches the ground and nothing happens to it so it moves forward but slowly. Finally it’s less than three feet from me and it looks like it’s about to strike. My body works on autopilot. My right hand moves and a Soul sphere three times the size than the largest one I’ve ever created is launched from my hand before I even have a chance to think. The blade is completely obliterated in the process and the chain falls limp to the floor.

“Are you okay boy? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” says a disembodied voice off to my right.

“Who’s there? Where are you,” I ask scared shitless. Nothing has ever come near this clearing except Rafael and even then he didn’t want to stay long. Nothing with an energy signature has come near me here.

“Oh I’m sorry sometimes I forget of the illusions I place on myself. Then leaves start to spin around a newly visible figure they dissipate as he walks forward. It’s an old man about the age of fifty or sixty. He looks familiar but then again he doesn’t. He looks like one of those people you can see from behind and mistake it for someone else.

“Who are you and why are you spying on me,” I ask my voice shivering and hands inching towards my dagger.

“Oh I’m still cloaked, like I told you before sometimes I forget of my own spells. I’m so absent minded,” then the leaves do the same spinning thing and there is no way you could mistake him for anyone else.

“You’re Slade Echisen, guild master to Nixus,” I yelp in astonishment.

“Yes, yes I am in fact this person you speak of,” he says with a look of slight amusement on his face. Slade was dark skinned man but he wasn’t midnight black more of a milk chocolate. His hands were worn and his head shaven, and his gray eyes just radiated wisdom. He was wearing a simple pair of loose fitting leather pants, a white tunic, and he had no shoes on. He stood about six foot two inches and had no weapons. Not that he needed any his mastery over the elements was known around the world. To attack him in public was to enact the battle clause, a law made decades ago to forego the conviction of murder if both parties are willing participants of a magical battle. Although if someone submits in battle the penalty for killing this person become death by the gallows.

“Was that you who sent the chain snake scythe thing after me?”

“Yes I am afraid I did, can you at least get off the ground I don’t intend to hurt you,” he says looking mockingly annoyed. He offers his hand to help me up and I take it.

“Now I have a question about what you did. Why?”

“The reasoning is simple I was testing you. Admittedly I was visiting a friend in town and decided to check on my favorite place in this forest. I was surprised to find someone as young as you training here. Whether you know it or not this places restrictions on your magical power, kind of like gravity for magic. Outside your magic maybe too wild to tame but in here you can clear your mind and use it correctly. I’m also surprised you can even use magic in this Sanctuary.”

“You lost me at gravity for magic and how did you change the color of the chain scythe from yellow to orange.”

“That was not my doing but your own. You see that chain scythe had a spirit of a snake in it. It went dormant when its owner died of course. Many have tried to awaken it but none have succeeded. In fact the blade was worth close to ten thousand dollars.”

“Well maybe next time you won’t go testing people with an expensive Black Hand artifact.”

“You mistake my words for scolding I am congratulating you the reason it is so expensive is because it is said to be nearly impossible to destroy. What you accomplished is a feat something masters have a hard time doing. Along with the mastery of your Inner Vision so early in life I mean really how old are you thirteen.”

“I am fifteen I’ll have you know and I’m unfortunately going to college in a week.”

“Nonsense I must have you join my guild; your gift must be refined while it is still available to you. I’ll make a Beast Tamer out of you yet.”

“Me a Beast Tamer, that’s impossible. That’s the first time my Soul energy even hit its target,” I immediately thought of losing control of something I turned into and never turning back, just doomed to roam the world as some random woodland creature like a fox or a snake or something.

“Impossible, ba, nonsense, it is a well kept secret but those who have Inner Vision are born to become Beast Tamer's. A shame you were not properly trained earlier in life. But I digress. I Slade Echisen hereby formally invite you...what is your name.”

“My full name is Zephyrus Chronos Terah. But please call me Zephyr.”

“Terah, you wouldn't happen to have any relation to a Khione Terah?”

“I should’ve seen that coming. Yeah she’s my big sister. What of it?”

“Nothing, nothing just wondering, it’s not every day to run into the little brother of a celebrity. Now where was I, oh? I Slade Echisen Guild Master of the Pressure Users of Nixus hereby formally invite you Zephyr Chronos Terah to join my guild.”

“You can’t be serious?”

“Would I really recite that mouthful just to mess with some kid who thinks he’s useless?”

“I don’t know, would you?”

“Only on Tuesdays, my friend, only on Tuesdays. I hate Tuesdays. Moving on… the reason you have Inner Vision is because you relate to nature, which is why most people with Inner Vision become Beast Tamer's or some other magic similar to it.  There’s nothing more in tune with nature than becoming one of it creatures. I’ll see you in Nixus on Sunday afternoon, no later. Here is a train ticket. You’ll be sharing the car with some people I feel you know. Until Sunday then,” he says as his body slowly turns to leaves and blows away.

“Well that’s one way to start your morning. How did he know to have an extra train ticket,” I look at my watch 10:26am wow the things that can happen in half an hour. I sprint home from their dodging tree roots, branches, small animals, and the occasional hunter on my way home. Finally I hit the backyard and bust into the kitchen through the backdoor. My mom is pouring a cup of orange juice and looks at me with bewilderment.

“What have I told you about bursting in here? This is a home not a barnyard young man and I will not have it treated as such. Now what has you so riled up,” asked my mom almost dropping the gallon of OJ. She must’ve been reviewing one of her cases b/c she had her glasses on. Scolding mom eyes amber in color; never did get a real explanation for them. Wearing her usual house clothes of a blouse and jeans. Her black hair was tied into a ponytail.

“You won’t believe what just happened. Slade Echisen the guild master of Nixus personally invited me to join his guild. He told me I had to be there by Sunday.”

“What, how did this happen,” I explained to her what happened and by the time I was done I was out of breath.

“Breathe. Let me see that ticket.”

“It’s stamped to leave tomorrow morning at ten. Now I would like to point out you would’ve missed this opportunity if I let you stay asleep.”

“How did I know you were going to squeeze your motherly advice in there?”

“I’m a mother that’s what we’re programmed to do. Hurry, go and pack and take clothing for all types of weather you don’t know what quests you’ll be going on.”

            I ran up the stairs and went to the hallway closet. I pulled my duffel from the top shelf and ran in my room. I through it on the bed and began packing. Once ten days’ worth of clothes were packed I wondered what else to take, practice dagger obviously, I have to take the whetstone and polishing oil too, got my combat boots. What else? I hear a knock at my door.

“Come in,” it’s my dad. He’s still in his uniform from the Reactor a one-piece non-descript beige number with a single logo of a D and an R for the Dustrus Reactor. It was supposed to be completely insulated against electricity. Salt and pepper hair in the same style he’s had since he graduated from college. The same green eyes looked right at me, unbridled happiness obvious behind them.

“Hey sport I heard the good news.  So my boys going to be a member of Nixus soon? This is just amazing, both my children being known worldwide. When I found out I went to my friend the blacksmith and got something for you. This money going to be used to buy your train ticket and your books should you go to college but that is unnecessary now isn’t it.” He goes back in the hallway and comes back with two cardboard boxes. The first one is rectangular about the size of a small book, the second is longer but its not big enough for a sword so what else would he get me from a blacksmith. He hands me both boxes and I open the smaller one first. It’s a black leather bound book. But it’s blank. The second is actually a pair of gloves.  

“Now you probably don’t know what any of this is for but I assure you it is meant for a Beast Tamer. The book is a bestiary, magical of course, you simply have to think of what something looks like and open the book it’ll tell you anything you need to know about it. Strengths, weaknesses short history lesson if any is present and if you need to know its origin. The second is enchanted to defend you from weapons and elemental attacks plus they help ensure if you ever use full takeover your mind won’t be taken over by the beast.”  

“This is awesome. How much did these gloves cost?”

“Not much. Just about half your college savings. Nothing too serious compared to how much your quests will bring in. Here is the remainder of the savings. I didn’t spend it all on your gifts. I advise you learn what is useful for Beast Tamer's before making rash decisions. I’ll leave you to pack and tell your friends.”

Reviews

[CRBain]

Great start. You could use a little refinement and editing, but that comes with time. The thing I think you should work on is your dialogue. It gets repetitive sometimes and it feels like it's only there to deliver exposition. I don't feel any sense of character from the lines, which is sad considering I learned a lot about the protag by his inner monologue, which tells me you know how to write good dialogue, or at least you have it in you to. Try to make your characters people, not stepping stones or tools in the story.

I'll give you the same advice I give most people. Read it out loud to yourself and if you find yourself adding or taking away words to make it sound more natural, then edit the line. Dont stop writing, I want to see more

[briget_01]

This is a pretty good introduction to a story! I like how you incorporated a kind of "medieval" universe into modern day, I'm interested to see how this turns out. I think Zephyr is a pretty developed character, and I can definitely see my self liking him in the future. One thing I noticed throughout the first chapter, was how open the story was. I didn't really have to think about anything, as I kept reading, I kept getting answers. Although there is nothing wrong with letting the reader know exactly what the character is thinking, I know that if you want your writing to appeal to older viewers (16+ maybe), you should keep some feelings secret; add some mystery to the story to hook the reader into continuing on to the next chapter.
From just the introduction that I read, I would say that you have a pretty good idea of what your story will be about, which is a really good thing. Both your characters and the abilities you've created seem to be well thought out. When I came across the part when Zephyr was explaining his "vision", I couldn't help but think of the "byakugan", from Naruto (am I the only one who draws that conclusion... maybe... I'm a nerd sorry XD).
My one final tip would be about grammar. I, myself, am not that good in this field either, so I understand your struggle. One thing I learned about English though, is that commas are your friend! If there's a pause in your head as you're writing, slap a comma there. Now, don't go too crazy, but I think you get what I'm trying to say. And of course with spelling and stuff, just revise, revise, revise (which, yes, can be boring :l).
Overall, I found my self enjoying your story and now I'm going to go and read the other two chapters :p
(I just realized how long this review is... sorry... XD)


cheers

[Ashley Arita]

I really like this chapter! It has a lot of spunky attitude and enthusiasm. Zephyr is a very well developed character and is very interesting. There are a few grammatical errors, such as putting commas and such, but this a very good first chapter. Really makes you interested in the world Zephyr's in.