Failure

I got some bad news today. I failed a paper. It's not a big deal for most people, it is for me because 

1. I have only failed one other test in my life

2. I can feel the disappointment inn my parents eyes' 

3. most importantly I was counting on this paper to get me closer to my goal 

I have been de-railed before and each time it is a blow that makes my body shake. my hands shake as i write this. 

I actually knew I wasn't going to pass because the day of the exam I was very sick. I was just hoping deep down I was going to catch a f*****g break. That isn't how life works, is it? If it was half the worlds problems wouldn't exist.

My parent's won't admit their disappointed, my dad will joke about me failing the test hoping it'll make me feel better or something, I don't f*****g know. All it really does is emphasize to me that once again I have an obstacle, makes me feel like a mother f*****g failure.

My three year plan turned into a 5 year plan 3 years ago and it took therapy, time and meds for me to be close to okay. I feel the urge to cut myself so bad right now. Is that going to help me ? NO. Is it going to help me? NO. Am I going to do it ? Maybe.

What hurts the most is the fact that just when I thought I was out of my 'hump' I am stuck for another year. Just great. 

This ramble is for someone/everyone go got bad news today. I realize my news maybe trivial compared to most but regardless, if you have had a setback today. Get up and Scream out loud with me today. 

'F**K THIS'

'I WON'T LET GO'

The pity party is over. Let's get some s**t done.