Chapter One

"Thanks for your patronage," said Honoori Vilmont, bowing to an old couple as they exited Magnolia Apothecary. The taudry doorbell slammed against the weather beaten wooden door as gravity pulled it closed. He rolled his shoulders, adjusting his posture as he returned to work, sweeping the cluttered floorspace.

Hundreds of jars and vials brimming with strange powders, tea leaves, liquids, and thick, foul-smelling unctions lined the apothecary's shelves, giving the shop a permanent soured-milk stench most customers detested. Shelves were tightly packed from top to bottom and front to back. Each held something for most every day ails: calendula to soothe minor burns; powdered ginger root for upset stomachs; and nonsensical concoctions so experimental in nature, approval by proper channels was unlikely. Still, master herbalist, Amal Rasharan, insisted upon keeping his unique concoctions in stock. Earthworm liquor, sun-dried wolves' tongue jerky, and what Honoori suspected to be urine occupied the uppermost shelves, well out of reach of careless apprentices. 

Crash!

"He's gonna hang me. Not again..." Honoori groaned as the end of his broom upset a box containing vials of lavender oil. The sweet floral aroma of the oil mingled with the apothecary's permanent soured-milk perfume, leaving Honoori feeling light-headed. He dashed behind the till to rummage for cleaning supplies, expecting to hear Master Rasharan's heavy footsteps stomping above him.

"Again?" The healer's baritone voice carried through the two storied building as he spoke from the study.  

"Gotta find something. Not good--not good!" Honoori fumbled through the linens, grasping for anything to mop the oil slick spreading on the scratched wooden floor. Master Rasharan's heavy footsteps pounded the floor from above, sending dust showering down from the ceiling. 

Master Rasharan descended the stairs. Hoonori's pulse quickened as he found ratty old washcloths at the bottom of the linen pile. 

"Not good--not good." Honoori panicked again.

As he spread the cloths across the mess, he stepped in the oily mess. He fell, crashing to the floor, not registering pain or that he'd fallen. As he tried to right himself, shards of glass tore through the flesh of his right palm.

"Damn," he cursed, gazing at the jagged wound. Blood welled up from its jagged eye, running down his fingertips like crimson teardrops, dripping onto the floor. 

"What did you break this time?" said Master Rasharan, his eyes scanning the room.

"S-so sorry, sir...I, err, was careless again. Uh--I'll clean it as soon as I--" said Honoori, rattling off his defense. His breathing quickened as he prepared for a scolding.

"Whoa--calm down.It's not the end of the world," said Master Rasharan, his steely gaze softening. "You've done a number to your hand. Don't move because you're getting blood everywhere. Customers might think I've murdered my apprentice. Apply pressure with this while I get some supplies to fix you up."

The herbalist hummed a calming melody to himself as he glanced at the mess on his floor and to his protege. Honoori's white work apron was soaked through with bright red splotches, like a particularly sloppy painter had upset their easel.  Master Rasharan rummaged through his supplies, pulling out gauze, a small pair of silver tweezers, bandages, a glass bottle of disinfectant solution, and supplies needed to set up his work station.  

"Hold out your hand," he said, dipping the tweezers into a small bowl of cleaning solution. With deft precision, he tugged out the glass shards, dropping them into a metal basin. He pulled Honoori's bloodied hand over the basin. Large drops of blood splattered into the basin. "This part may sting a bit."

Before Honoori reacted in protest, Master Rasharan poured solution into the wound. Honoori clenched his uninjured fist, crying out as liquid fire washed over his palm. "Understatement," said Honoori, moaning as the stinging continued.

"Apply pressure," said Master Rasharan, unfazed, as he cut a large square piece of gauze. 

"You could've warned me, you know," said Honoori through a scowl.

"I said it would sting a bit," said Amal as he prepared bandages, "perhaps I underestimated your pain tolerance. Anyway, you're almost a man now--eighteen in two weeks--so it's nothing you can't handle." 

While Honoori applied pressure to the bandage, Master Rasharan sprinkled an oil absorbing starch to the mess on his shop floor, sweeping it up with quick precision. 

"Seems the bleeding has stopped," said Master Rasharan peering into the wound. I don't think it'll need stitches, but we'll want to keep the wound cleaned and dressed for the next few days until it scabs over." 

Master Rasharan wrapped Honoori's right hand quickly with a bandage.

"Thank you, sir," he pleaded. "I'll be more careful." Master Rasharan raised his eyebrows, creating a deep crease in his forehead. "Really, I will."   

"Go home--relax tonight; come back tomorrow morning so I can check your wound for infection."

"There's still an hour to go."

"You're dismissed for today--now go along," he smiled, "you've injured yourself, and it'll only reopen your wounds if I make you work." 

    Honoori bolted from the shop, the jingling bell tapping against the wooden door. He looked back at Magnolia's quaint storefront, face burning hot as he raced down the brick road, leading toward city center.  

"You're earlier than normal." said Gunner in a bored, monotonous sort of tone as he peeked his head out from Hobble Knob's Western Tower. Honoori jumped, feeling his heart slam into his ribs. He scowled at the portly man donning the Royal Sentries' traditional blue garb, and spoke. 

"Yeah, I've hurt myself." Honoori held up his bandaged hand.

"Well, err--you'll want to rest up. You'd best get on home then."

"Heading there now," said Honoori.

Gunner bowed to Honoori, the blue beret of his garb nearly falling from his head in the process. Honoori stifled a laugh as Gunner placed it back on his balding head, but he returned an obligatory bow of his own.

Honoori sauntered along the perimeter the bulwark protecting Hobble Knob from the outside world. He scuffed the soles of his boots on the cobblestone road, kicking at fallen leaves as he walked slowly, shutting out his surroundings. "Master Rasharan didn't scold me today, though I made a mess again." He scratched his scalp, irritated by his own clumsiness. 

As Honoori approached the East Gate, another sentry stood guard. He stood with his chest puffed out, posture rigid as statue. 

"Mr. Vilmonte--you're going home an hour earlier than normal," he said. "Are you unwell?"

"I've only injured myself--it's not a big deal," Honoori replied. "You all must be so bored if you're making small talk with me over leaving work an hour early," Honoori thought, feeling pent up frustration as continued home.

Author's Note

Revisions in progress. There are going to be rough patches--you've been warned. General feedback would be appreciated.

Reviews

[Katy]

Still invested and cannot wait to read more, but I might consider putting the thoughts in italics? Just so it reads as separate from the spoken words. I know you said Honoori thought after it but I might just keep that in mind? Just try it and see how you like it after.

[JayG]

Well, you did ask for comment, so you have only yourself to blame for this. But before I begin, a disclaimer: Nothing I’m about to say has bearing on your talent or how well you write. And the realities of your profession are to partly blame.
- - - - - - -
In this, from start to finish, it’s a transcription of you, talking to an audience, as a verbal storyteller—explaining and informing, as the one and only person on stage.

But, can that work? Verbal storytelling is a performance art. HOW you tell the story matters as much as what you say, because your performance replaces that of the actors in a film. But…does the reader know where you would change expression; what gestures you would use; your body language; where you whisper and where you shout? All they have is a storyteller’s script, minus all the background and setting data, and performance notes.

In other words, you cannot use the techniques of one medium in another. It’s a trap that about half the hopeful writers fall into. The other half presents what amounts as a report. That can't work, either.

But there’s another trap we fall into: The author has total knowledge of who we are, where we are, and what’s going on BEFORE they read the first word. Thus, when you open with “"Thanks for your patronage," said Honoori Vilmont, bowing to an old couple as they exited Magnolia Apothecary,” In your mind, you hold an image of the man, his customers, and the shop. You know the country we're located in, the area's appearance, and, the life history of our protagonist. So for you, as you read the line, it points to images of the place, the dress of the people, and even the scent of the store—plus your intent for how the words are to be taken…all held within your mind and waiting to be evoked.

What context does the reader have? They expect the writing to make sense to them as-they-read. But for that newly arrived reader the line points to images of the place, the dress of the people, and even the scent of the store—plus your intent for how the words are to be taken…all held within *YOUR* mind and waiting to be evoked. But you’re not the one reading.

See the problem? Look at a few more lines, not as the all knowing author, but as the reader who has the emotion suggested by punctuation, the context you provide, and the meaning suggested by their own background, not your intent.

• The taudry doorbell slammed against the weather beaten wooden door as gravity pulled it closed.

You’re thinking visually, and describing what you see—reporting. But does the reader care that the bell on a door they can’t see made a sound that, here, means only that the door closed? Don’t we assume that a shop door closes when someone releases it?

• He rolled his shoulders, adjusting his posture as he returned to work, sweeping the cluttered floorspace.

Adjusting his posture? To what...from what?. Again, visual detail. But here’s the problem. The protagonist isn’t thinking about rolling his shoulder. And the story wouldn’t change in the smallest way were he to yawn instead, or far… or… So why include it. Knowing it happens doesn't create the picture you hold in your mind.

Remember, in life, and on film, we get sound and picture in parallel. So in an eyeblink's time, we get the entire picture. But on the page it's all serial, with each item taking infinitely more time to provide. So if you provide it, it damn well better either move the plot, develop character, or, meaningfully set the scene as-the-protagonist-perceives-it.

In this case, the protagonist is Honoori Vilmont. So the story is his, not yours. This is critical, because unless the reader is made to identify, and care about HIM, they will not turn to page two.

* Crash!

What can this mean to the reader? Sure, when you read the word, in your mind it’s a bottle falling to the floor. For the reader, it could literally be anything, because you just placed effect—something unknown striking something unknown striking an unknown—before cause. And that’s impossible.

But zoom out and look at the larger picture. Because of the report-writing approach you’re using, in the first twelve paragraphs: 422 words—or more than the first two standard manuscript pages—what has actually happened in the story?

1. Our protagonist said goodby to unknown people, who matter not at all to the story.
2. He screws up and knocks a bottle off the shelf, then panics.
3. He works, desperately, to clean up the mess.

That’s it. And, in the next paragraph it turns out to be no big deal, and his panic was unnecessary. So our hero is s clutz, apt to panic, and apparently, not all that smart. Does the reader know him, other than in a negative way?

Three pages in and we don’t know what city we’re in, or the year. We don’t know anything about our protagonist’s job (you said the bottles were high to keep a clumsy apprentice from breaking them but left out the words, “like him.”), his age and background, or even, his short-term goal. How can a reader identify with him?

Why this matters so much is summed up by Sol Stein, with: “A novel is like a car—it won’t go anywhere until you turn on the engine. The “engine” of both fiction and nonfiction is the point at which the reader makes the decision not to put the book down. The engine should start in the first three pages, the closer to the top of page one the better.”

Here’s the problem: In your own school years you were given a skill called writing—the one you now teach. And like everyone else, you made the natural assumption that the same word that’s part of the profession we call Fiction-Writing points to that skill. But it doesn’t. Not even close.

The majority of writing assignments you were given were for things like essays and reports, both nonfiction applications, with a goal of informing the reader clearly and concisely. The methodology is fact-based and author-centric.

Yes, you were assigned stories. But did even one teacher explain the role of the short-term scene goal, why a scene ends in disaster for the protagonist, the difference between point of view and viewpoint, or even why a scene on the stage is so different in approach from one on the page. No, because the goal of public education, from the beginning, has been to provide employers with a pool of candidates who possess a set of useful and predictable skills. And what do most employers require so far as writing? Reports, papers, and letters.

The goal of fiction?

“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” ~ E. L. Doctorow

No way in hell can you do that without the emotion-based and character-centric skills of the fiction-writer. And we no more learn them by reading fiction than a visit to the museum teaches us brush technique, We see only the result of using the techniques the pros take for granted, And a semester of creative writing not only does nothing to change that, it gives us the false impression that we are not ready to write a novel. But if your was like mort, you spent a total of tow or three classes on fiction, where the students critiqued each other's writing. In other words, the blind leading the blind.

The short version: To write fiction that sings to the reader, you need to acquire those professional skills.

As Mark Twain put it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” And since you can’t address the problem you don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know. And...you did ask. 🤣

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a huge resource. But personally, I’d suggest Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found to date at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

For what it may be worth, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are based on the kind of thing you’ll find in such a book, and are meant a*s an overview of the major differences between fiction our schooldays writing.

So…I know this is nothing like what you were hoping for. And after the work you’ve put in on the story, and the emotional commitment that takes, something like this can really hurt. I know, I’ve been there more than once.

But, while that book, and others like it, won’t make a pro of you, it will give you the tools and knowledge to become one if it’s in you. And like the proverbial chicken soup for a cold, it might not help, but it sure can’t hurt.

So dig in. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[SuikyuuBr0]

Jay, thank you for your insight. I didn't expect anyone would write such a well thought-out critique over my work, or so quickly. By any chance, were you directed from Twitter?

I whole-heartedly agree with some of your points, particularly:
"Remember, in life, and on film, we get sound and picture in parallel. So in an eyeblink's time, we get the entire picture. But on the page it's all serial, with each item taking infinitely more time to provide. So if you provide it, it damn well better either move the plot, develop character, or, meaningfully set the scene as-the-protagonist-perceives-it."

How do you go about your revision process if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks again. I'll be sure to check out your blog and Swain's book. Meanwhile, I'm going to proceed with the first round of story revisions. I'm making notes of feedback.

[JayG]

I saw the on the “new writing” pages, and because I have the time, and owe a “Ben Franklin debt to those who helped me, when I see a writer who would benefit from the knowledge that most hopeful writers aren’t aware of, I do a basic critique.

• How do you go about your revision process if you don't mind me asking?

The trick is, if you write the story using the tricks of the profession—view the scene as-the-protagonist, there’s damn little revising involved. Polishing yes. My usual sequence is:

1. Write the story.
2. Clean up edit to catch mistakes, and see where foreshadowing/revision is needed, etc.
3. Do a “sparkle edit,” where I “jazz up” the dialog and the language to make it more vivid and evocative.
4. Do a read-through, from the seat of a reader before setting it aside for a month, at least.
5. Read it on paper, with the margins changed, forcing me to read what’s actually on the paper, instead of what I expect to see there. For unknown reasons, we see it differently on the page than on the screen.
5. Another read-through, viewing it more as a reader, because I no longer remember the details as sharply and will view it more as a reader. Also, do the grammar check, and search for the words I overuse, and those that distance the reader, and can only come from me. (known as filter, or crutch words). Such things as overusing the protagonist’s name (only you call him/her by name—and only as the narrator. So in general everyone else is mentioned by name, but our protagonist is he or she except identification purpose on a POV change, or at the beginning of a break for scene or chapter):
http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.html
6. Have the computer read it to me, to hear the misplaced commas, missing periods, and, awkward phrasing.


In fact, if you are using those skills, and truly presenting the protagonist’s viewpoint, you’ll find that the protagonist has become a co-writer, whispering suggestions and warnings in your ear as you write. And since you also have to see the scene as all the characters do—so their actions are true to the situation, the person, and their needs and resources—if you try to have a character do something against that, because the plot needs it, they’re apt to place hands on their hips and say, “Are you out of your mind? Given my personality and the situation, no way in hell will I do that. So change things to give me reason to WANT to do it!” And since changing the character might change their response to every action since the start of their part in the story, it’s usually easier to change the situation a bit, or perhaps add a bit of foreshadowing.

Any way you do it, it often feels as if the character is dictating the story, and you, only the scribe. That makes the act of writing a LOT more fun. I once had to kill off a character I’d come to love, because it both made the object of his affection available to the man she was destined to fall in love with, and, it turned her into someone very different from who she had been, and kicked off a chain of events that damn near blew up Washington DC.

But because I’d spent weeks being him, and falling in love with the lady he adored, I knew the man as I know myself, and literally mourned him for a week after I wrote of the event, as I would a brother.

I must have made him loveable, and his death realistic, because my wife, who was my beta reader, came down the basement steps one night, pointed at me, and said, “You b*****d…you KILLED him. How could you do that?” It was the single nicest complement I’ve received on my writing. She later forgave me because the story concludes happily (Necessity). I tried to tell her that it wasn’t me who did it, but she wouldn’t listen.

My point is that if you know, and perfect those professional techniques, they guide your approach to telling the story in a way real to you, and the reader. As an example, the article I link to just below is a condensation and simplification of one of the primary techniques you’ll find in the Swain book. It’s easy to see the value, and to learn, but an absolute b***h to make automatic, because every writing reflex you own will howl in outrage when you try to do what they know for certain is wrong. In fact, they’ll guide your fingers as you type, changing it “for the better.” That’s why you need to diagram the M/R pairs the article talks about, till it becomes automatic.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

But the real answer? It’s in that book I suggested. Dwight Swain used to fill auditoriums when he went on tour. And the boil-down of his all-day workshops on writing and characterization that are on Amazon, under the name, Dwight Swain, master Writing Teacher are well worth the cost.

Hope this helps.

[SuikyuuBr0]

Thank you again for your feedback and insight into your process, Jay.

I've yet to work out what works for me--or get into any sort of groove.

I'm taking what you've mentioned to heart and revisiting the story. The chapters I posted are from the first novel-length work I've ever completed, after multiple attempts and ten years of trying off and on, so I feel attached to them.

This time, I'm going to try to approach the story from Honoori's POV. It's much harder than it seems. He's abandoned Magnolia Apothecary for berry picking in the forest with his friend. Wonder where this will go?

Thanks again for your time.

[JayG]

Don't revisit the story. The tools you own are the tools you were given in school, and all your reflexes are attuned to that approach. It would be wonderful if a few suggestions—a list of "do this instead of that," would put us on the right track.

If only...

Here's a small but critical thing that explains why we need to change from the school-days approach. It's simple, and obvious, once pointed out, but invisible till then:

Before your protagonist learns of anything that happens, or is said in the story, the reader is aware of it, because they learn of it before they read of the response.

In practical terms, it means your reader will react BEFORE the protagonist does, and react according to THEIR impression of the situation and knowledge of the resources the protagonist has.

That matters a great deal, because if their reaction differs from that of the protagonist, they'll either, stop to compare and analyze the difference, then conclude that they were wrong, or, see the protagonist as a fool. Either one is going to detract from the reader's enjoyment. And, bear in mind that every reader, because their backgrounds differ from each other, will see the situation differently—from each other, and possibly, the protagonist.

The solution? Calibrate the reader's perception of the situation to that of the protagonist. Make their assessment of the situation; their knowledge of the necessities; their desires and imperatives; and their skills and personality, match that of the protagonist. That way, every reader is the protagonist, in outlook, knowledge, and even personality...which means that, if there IS a difference of opinion, the most likely reason is that the protagonist has had an inspiration that will make the reader say, "What? That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?"

But...while it makes sense, it raises the question of how to do that, because it's not something we received even a hint how to do, in school.

So...forgetting that it makes sense to acquire the skills needed to do that, it raises the question: How many other simple but critical issues have I missed?

And that's why I suggest taking a look at that book, first.

Hope this helps.

[SuikyuuBr0]

Thank you again for your advice and your time! It really means a lot. :)