Just like a melted candle

Dark room in the corner with a slight mist,
Dusty windows with deep brown rust in its wrist..

Chandelier's moving and it sounds haunted,
Table of cards and vacant seats left unended..

And here I am, just like a melted candle
Unable to ignite again....

Never pictured this life before, never imagined how the evil's rule,
They prod my attitude, quelled my dignity, puffed a smoke and yelled, I'm a crazy fool..

Their nasty thoughts, dirty minds haunts me every night,
I've lost those starry eyes, grew dark circles, tired of their evil sight..

Now here I am, just like a melted candle,
Unable to ignite again....




 

Reviews

[David Lewis Paget]

So jaded for one so young. But you must attend to your singulars and plurals. Wrist is a bad choice, chosen for its rhyming quality alone. You need to go further than one syllable rhymes, look at things like 'insist', 'amethyst', 'desist', 'gist', 'kissed' and so on, and try and make sense of the line. E.g. - Dusty windows with deep brown rust are kissed'. 'How the evil's rule - 'evil's' means 'evil is' so a misplaced comma. Should be 'evil rule'. (Yes, punctuation IS important). The next line, you switch tenses. 'They prod my attitude (present), quelled (past), puffed, yelled, (past), so either 'prod' 'quell' 'puff'' and 'yell', or 'prodded' with your previous choice. 'Dirty minds haunts' should be 'haunt' because 'minds' is plural. Then 'lost' 'grew' 'tired' should be 'lost, grown, tired'. Always pay attention to detail. All the best.

[Gee]

I could do with David taking a butcher's at my efforts,probably the only way I'll improve.

[Tasfia Islam]

Thanks for the advice.... :)

[Kuldeep desai]

this one is going to be my favourite one...........really you have done a great job Annabella......

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you.... :)

[DoormanDan]

This is, as usual, a great piece. There are a few grammatical errors though(dirty minds haunts should be dirty minds haunt). You just need to work on that a bit more. Keep up the good work!

[Tasfia Islam]

thanks for the advice.....glad u liked it... :)

[Laura Lynn]

I never thought of the windowsill having a wrist that is creative, so much isolation seems present yet solitude with the vacant card tables, I wish I could be great at cards and beautiful as Amy Acker when she plays cards, yet everything takes so much time, may you have a peaceful time of recovery and may the light meet your eyes once again, perhaps as the melted wax becomes reformed into a new candle,

[Tasfia Islam]

:) Glad you liked it.... Thank you.... :)

[Sami Khalil]

A lot to learn and grow with in this life of ours. Bravo....

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you.... :)

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)......

[Lenah Mehzabin]

hey nice one! ..really it holds a raw feeling ,, nd with perfect words u made it vry cool , thumbs up ! great work
:-)

[Lenah Mehzabin]

hey nice one! ..really it holds a raw feeling ,, nd with perfect words u made it vry cool , thumbs up ! great work
:-)

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you dear..... :)

[Rob Santana]

Dark/sad but written in a passionate way. I'm the last person to be giving any advice on writing, but I'm going to do it anyway, hahaha. "Chandelier's moving and it sounds haunted" is that in plural form? If it is then maybe it should read "Chandelier's moving and they sound haunted" if not I apologise. How about "Chandelier swaying with a haunted sound" "Chandelier swaying to a haunted sound" either way I like your style of writing. Keep your pen moving.

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you... :)

[Happy hours]

well presented...I can also figured myself as a melted candle....it is a beautiful piece... :)

[Tasfia Islam]

Glad you liked it.... :) Thank you

[ANTO]

I'll review it if you swear not to make fun of me :DD
thats the bargain

[Tasfia Islam]

haha......sure..... give your opinion... :)

[ANTO]

Okay - joking aside - I enjoyed the opening line
I wouldn't have chosen wrist in the second though - I suspect you did because you liked the previous line (its a very good line) and were determined to rhyme it.
A little more time spent on the line about the chandelier instead of 'it sounds haunted' would have really added to the scene setting.
'unended' should be 'upended'
I REALLY liked the repetiton of the melted candle verse - it ended the piece very well IMHO.
:)

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you for the advice..... I'll surely try to fix the flaws.... :)

[ANTO]

Your very welcome Annabelle - happy holidays !!

[Tasfia Islam]

thank you.... and same to you.