Chapter One - An Ominous Beginning

     “Do you realize what a f*****g wuss you sound like?” Karen hissed in an angry whisper at her demoralized husband.

 

     She whispered because she didn't want their daughters to hear them embroiled in yet another argument. Hannah and Lauren were in the family room watching the videos that they'd taken that day with their father on the nature trails.

 

     “Well don't you think we have problems with our relationship? We never do anything together anymore. I gave up golf and fishing so I could spend more time with you, but you always seem to be too busy. Do you even care how disappointed the girls were when you didn't show up for our hike today?” he shot back, standing at the kitchen sink washing the dinner dishes.

 

     “I never asked you to give anything up. I wish to Hell that you would go back to your damned golf and fishing.”

 

     “Well I told the girls that we could play a game tonight if Mommy wanted to,” he said, ignoring her last complaint, “do you think we can get along long enough to get through a game of monopoly?”

 

     “I'm taking the girls to your sister Pam's house tonight. I told Jenna that they could come over and spend the night with her. Look I'm sorry I've been such a b***h,” she said, turning on the phony charm. “I just haven't been feeling good. Don't Nick and the guys play cards on Friday nights? Why don't you go play cards and enjoy yourself, okay?” she said, stepping closer and rubbing his chest softly.

 

     “Are you sure?” he asked, allowing him self a small smile for the first time.

 

     “I'm sure honey. We'll plan some time together, just you and me, next weekend, okay?” she promised convincingly.

 

     Shortly after Doug was gone, Karen showered, shaved her legs and changed into a little tube top and a pair of very flattering blue jeans. She grabbed her cellular phone and headed out to the kitchen, stopping at the door to the family room to check on the girls on her way through. She crossed the kitchen and stepped out onto the screened-in porch as she pecked at the phone’s keys with her freshly manicured fingernails. The warm summer air was still saturated with the smell of rain from the afternoon thunderstorm that had rumbled through earlier that afternoon. She stood on the porch and looked intently across the now clear western skies where the blaze orange sun began its leisurely descent to the horizon. She inhaled the moist air and waited for her call to be answered.

 

     “Hi.” she said with a soft, girlish excitement that was absent when she was speaking to her husband.

 

     “Oh no, I'll be there. Nothing could keep me away from you tonight. I need to curl up with a real man. I just have to drop the girls off first. We'll be leaving the house in a few minutes, so I should be there in about thirty-five minutes. Okay?”

She cocked her head to the left and twirled her hair around her finger as she grinned and listened to sweet nothings for several moments, never noticing that seven-year-old Hannah had crept to the kitchen doorway with the video camera, and was taping her.

 

     “No, I haven't told him anything yet; my lawyer said someone would serve him with the papers sometime this week.”

 

     “Nope, I'm not worried; he won't fight it. He's a sniveling coward.”

 

     The words had barely escaped her lips when she suddenly jerked backward and crumpled to the floor in a lifeless heap.Hannah laughed, not aware of the grim reality of what she'd just witnessed.

 

     “That was funny Mommy; do it again; Mommy … Mommy … Mommy?”

 

Author's Note

This is a first draft and I know I have layers of detail and nuance still to add. I am most interested to know if this makes you want to see what's next and if not ... why not?

Reviews

[Paul D. Aronson]

wow, talk about starting off with a bang! here in this first chapter you perfectly enact what should be any writer's goal in writing long form fiction: hook them with the first chapter. The interplay between the unhappy husband and wife starts us off with the curiosity of voyeurs peeking into another person's life, and then you lull us into a calm, followed by one heck of a storm, which leads us to the best part, your surprising finish. In this you follow what should be called The Monty Python rule for Novel writers...wait for it...and thats what you are making us do. Cliffhanger chapter endings are the best, you go for it!

[icelandicblue]

Secrets can surely kill you. I liked this, it drew me in with a banality of a dying relationship and shot me straight into the dying-literally. Ouch

[mikeduty]

I'm definitely hooked. . . can't wait to see where it goes from here.

[:)]

it makes me interested. I fully expect mom to take the camera and slam it into the wall ...

or not...

Any who, yet it is liked!

[Joshua Donahue]

wow! an amazing start! it was a really great piece. however, i felt it was a little too short and there fight seemed...cheesy. i mean, why would she apologize and say she was a b***h if she was cheating and divorcing him that same week? it just seemed a little too scripted. but other than that, you ended with an excellent cliffhanger!

[VincentRayne]

I liked this intro because it opens A LOT up to the reader. Right from the beginning I could tell that there was something not right about Karen warming up to Doug so suddenly. I realize that there are some arguments that end with a person wanting to make up but I didn't feel that with her. Apparently i was right and to find out that she was having an affair with another man just makes me not like the character even more. When Karen's daughter was video taping her I felt a sense of justice was in the making but when the woman keeled over I was dumbfounded. This definitely is a good cliffhanger that makes me want to read more.

[holly]

It's a very good beginning. I was thinking as I was reading how you've grown as a writer in the last two years. Your ear for dialogue is truer, your scene set-up is clearer. Very nice work. I do want to see what comes next, but more than that, I want to see these characters unfold a bit more, as I'm sure they will (except for Karen of course since she's dead) in the next chapter.

[Norma M Sutton]

OK you have my attention and for a first draft it's awesome!

[Vic Spencer]

Wow, despite it's short length, that was great. It was really gripping.

[Emily B]

Ok. S**t. What happened?