Silent Love

We were out for walk when I turned her way
Your not gonna like it but I have to say

Her face went pale and she put up her guard
Knowing my news would hit her hard

I said I can't love you, I'm sorry, I tried
It was her left eye that teared, but her heart that cried

She said I hate you and she turned and ran
She looked back and yelled, you're not even a man

I chased after her, though she drifted from sight
I was so scared now, concerned that she might

I got to her house, my worst fear came true
As she stood holding the knife, she yelled screw you

It took this moment to help me see
That I truly loved her, and she truly loved me

Now my love is on the edge, and it wasn't an act
I told her I loved her, that I took it all back

She said it's a lie, you don't love me
But this kitchen knife does and it can set me free

I started to beg, please honey, no
But she closed her eyes and in it did go

It was so much pain she couldn't stand anymore
She dropped to her knees, then down to the floor

I ran to her body and crouched at her side
The pain I was feeling I couldn't hide

It was all my fault, that my love took her life
It may as well have been me, holding the knife

I held her hand, and touched her face
I tried to stop the bleeding just above her waist

The last thing she said is forever in my mind
That I killed my true love and that's hard to find

I told her I loved her and I started to cry
She turned her head away, and silently died

Reviews

[Katannaism]

I can SO relate to this!! Ha! I think this is one of your best works by far. Very raw, emotional and tragic. But being the dreamy-me, I would encourage a few ellipses here or there. But great job!

[Emily B]

You asked me to read your words and comment, to help you improve your writing.

I can see your reverence for Edgar Allen Poe in these lines. He was clearly a master of his art, but his art is dated, less modern than when it appeared. Very few can write lines in rhyme and accomplish their goal. My own words don't come in metered, rhyming form, but fall straight down like the rain.

Possibly the best advice I could give you would be to write your heart, write what you know, don't over-inflate the dramatic, misery should be described scientifically, if it must be done.

By now, I've been asked by several young men just your age, the same question you asked me. I've been privileged to watch them learn and grow in the forum over the years. Like young trees that blossom and leave and spread strong branches.

[☯]

Such a deep tragedy. A saddening and hurtful poem to read. lovely, and heartbreaking.
"It was her left eye that teared, but her heart that cried"
I loved this line. :)

[~Lizzy♬]

I loved the tragedy love in the poem, but it was very beautifully written. It showed a great story. Great job! :)

~Lizzard~

[A.E. Surdam]

This is so sad, but yet romantic. About realizing you truly do love someone but never realize until it is too late.

[CompellingComposer]

Another amazing poem about the tragedy love can bring. This is a great story you've brought alive with your talent. Good job, I love it.

[HopelesslyDevoted]

awww brought me to tears! genius write!

[Blue Moon Ice Cream]

The beginning made it seem like this was going to be a cliche break-up poem, but as I kept reading, this really dragged me in. The line "But this kitchen knife does and it can set me free" was impressive.

Second line--"Your" should be "you're."

[raindroplove]

wow.......

[Katub]

Omg, i think this is the most powerful peace of work i've ever read on writerscafe. I've had dreams like this :s everything's worded well, full of emotion and pain. The words suck you in and make you feel empty like your there yourself. But the scenes so horrific it numbs you inside. A brilliant read and overly well wrote :'3