A Poem by Thoctar

About devoting your life to a cause and feeling worthless while still being devoted.

Sometimes I just feel
Like I´ve devoted my life
Never regretting, never going back
On the promise I gave
And I devoted every part
Of my time towards it
Making it my reason for existing
The definition of Me
Mere words before the ultimate reason
But sometimes I just feel….
I just feel like an empty shell
Like Ive fallen from my perch
Like ive withered up and died
Like im truly Worthless
Like no one cares
Like I should just be
Rolled up and thrown out
Hatred towards myself
Seething Self-loathing 
Ive failed the world
I promised
I gave all towards those promise
And seeing nothing I start to fall
All the things that kept me going
All the images I kept in my mind
So that I could forge on through it all
Come crashing down upon me
Like im nothing
Like im worthless
Looking up at the world
Having no sign ive done anything
Seeing all my work unravel
Im completely
Worthless…..Worthless is what I am….
And when I
Look up to the sky
And down towards the earth
And into my own soul
And as I see it I feel 
I feel like I have no reason
No reason for it to exist
No suicide shall I commit
But inside I may have died
And I need to be revived
But I cannot do it alone
And I cannot ask for help
I cannot bring the burden upon others
I promised I would help
And just asking makes me feel
So worthless
If I just work harder
Itll all work out
And all of the failure
I should have tried harder
I shouldn’t have taken that break
I should have kept up my vigil
Im so worthless
They were simple mistakes
Making them undoes me
And someday I shall have to answer
To myself for those crimes
For the crimes of my past
And when that day comes upon me
If I do not have what has rescued me all those times before….
Then I shall fall
And I shall burn out inside
I feel so spent
I feel so empty
I will always forge on
I will always keep trying
But I will stab myself in the back
Over and over unto eternity
Worthless….You are worthless….
I am worthless…
May this world have Mercy upon my worthless Soul
For I shall give it none

© 2011 Thoctar

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Added on August 10, 2011
Last Updated on August 10, 2011



New Liskeard, Northern Ontario, Canada

Interested in history, politics, ideology, really anything intelligent. Always willing to accept criticism, I can only get better. I write poems occasionally, I never saw them as good, but some friend.. more..

Alive Alive

A Poem by Thoctar