"My Life as a Father”

Losing love, becoming a single father and what I learned along the way

     I found myself in a place where I can relate to all of the fulltime single Mother/father stories, the single parent stories. I found myself in an “just call me Dad and don't bother with my real name, because I no longer remember it” Story. Don’t get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I couldn’t find it in myself to complain. Though it had been the hardest thing I could have ever imagined doing in my life, it was also the most enjoyable years, the most rewarding years of my life! I would not trade those years of my life for anything!!! My children taught me a meaning about life I could have never known. And here is where it began..

In the losing of a relationship, of the other half of a life started, yes, I have seen hell, felt its poison and darkness all around me, trying to take over my reality. The weapon it used against me was that of, a broken heart, a forsaken love, and more confusion that a mind should be able to allow. All this from one in which I saw my future and that I loved with all understanding of what love was. Then somehow, for some reason that understanding turned into something dark, cold, and ever-changing beyond understanding. To this day, I still see in how fast my whole world turned upside down as if someone had just changed the channel. 9 years together, a relationship I saw lasting forever, then one day it’s just over. The insanity that followed was the hardest thing I have ever come close to experiencing in my life. Trying to get a grasp on this and what came after was my one true hell.

One day she just ups and says I’m leaving, moving out. I refused to let my children out of my life, If she chose to go, it was on her own. At first it was a back-and-forth battle. Then she got more and more used to life on her own, without me, then soon to follow, without them so much. And thank God, she did. My daughter, 1 1/2. My son only 9 months old at the time. I was so happy to have my children in my life, but what I was seeing happen in the life of the woman that would make our picture whole was tearing me to pieces inside. I was drowning in pain and confusion as to how separated and heartless she had become in mine and my children’s lives.

((written 6 ½ years after she left))

The last 6 1/2 years has been a road divided. The time I have spent with my children as a single father. even though raising my children on my own, this has been my heaven. Though I admit that there were times when I felt scared as hell, broken hearted, and all alone. There were the times when the pain I felt from missing their mother was trying so hard to eat away my soul, one foot firmly planted in heaven, with them by my side, hell right there behind me, constantly tearing away at my heart, and using their mother to do it. Within the first year of her leaving us, she gave birth to another mans child, which brought me a blessing of another child to love and call my own.

My children were my strength against it all and my greatest teachers in the most important things in life to ever know. The love I had/have for my children protected me and gave me strength to rise above and see beyond all the chaos that was there before me. In all of this I learned the true meaning of LOVE, and the power that can come from it. What I went through, and were I am now, has been a growing experience with so much for me to learn from it, and understand about what life can be if one chooses to open up to it. Sometimes I felt like giving up, times I thought I was going to lose it. By holding on, I found answers to questions about life I would have never known the extreme truth of. My kids gave me strength I could never have even began to imagine. They were the answer to all my confusion & questions, they were the answer on how to deal with every situation. Their LOVE showed me how to deal with all my pain. Their Love blocked anger from consuming my life. I found, to my complete amazement that with all the love I felt inside for my Children, that pain, anger, and hate, could not touch me. It made itself known, and to often demanded my attention and at times I almost gave it but that's when I became aware of what selfishness is. And the Love of my kids showed me that this is something I did not want to be, and that it was a choice I had the power to make, not to be. It became clear to me, that my love for them, I should make very clear for them to see. To always see.

           

            So through the years, many dark things have haunted me. All things I now choose to see as lessons, that I chose to learn from, in order to understand the most important thing there is to know in life, or about life. LOVE, what it is, what it feels like, the power within it, and the awesome reality behind it. How different life can be with LOVE in it. That darkness cannot exist where LOVE is. Love is a blinding light. With it, things in life make so much more sense. Even when they make no sense at all. I went through things, I have no idea how I made it through. I took on responsibly that I had no idea how to do.

 

There was a time when I faced not knowing what I was going to do next. Scared as hell. A grown adult, lost, without any answers and nowhere to turn to, until I turned to my beautiful children and all the answers were suddenly right there. My children are angels that were sent to me, to show me I had a strength in me that I could have gone through my entire life being blind to. Showing me the true meaning of LOVE. And God, I thank them for that. And Lord, I love my children! They have awakened me in so many ways. They have taught me things, as if I were the child, and they were the wise adult. They have helped me to grow and reminded me to stay young. They have shown me my ignorance and reminded me the beauty and wisdom of innocence. And in this, I have thrown away my arrogance, and chose not to be only their authority and teacher, but to be their friend, and all too often student.

 

I think as parents, with so much going on, we may force it upon our children to grow up to fast. Taking away so much of what we could and should have given them, shown them. Without even realizing that we are doing it, and we can never go back and give them the things as children, they should have been allowed to do and to be. I am very focused on this! I look back on my memories as a child and cherish them dearly. The ones that stand out, reminding me how wonderful it was to be a child. I think those memories are what helped to keep the child inside of me alive. I wish I had more memories of my childhood. Well, now it's within my power, and it is completely up to me, and my responsibility to give my children, my wonderful, deserving, innocent, children memories that will make them who they become, socially and spiritually. I want them to remember a happy childhood. And I have the power to give this to them. They grow up so fast, it's hard enough remembering when they were little, so recognize now the importance of making them memorable years. This to me, Is what it means to be a parent! Not just raising them, but finding true meaning by being everything we can to our children. Giving to them things we wish we would have had in our childhood. LOTS OF LOVE AND ATTENTION!!

 

Being a parent is a hard thing to be sometimes. Being a single parent, can truly be the hardest thing you may ever do. Being a single male parent, don't get me started! But the reward that can come from doing it right, no matter how hard, is beyond words. And the LOVE we can get or find in being a parent is everything there is to life. If we care to see it. The day I opened my eyes and saw those little lives before, that were there beside ME, gave my life meaning! My life for the first time, truly had purpose! I found my life so much more enjoyable in living it for someone else's happiness rather than just my own. I have come to realize that the pursuit of my own personal happiness is a dead end, for my ego always wants more. But the happiness I find in creating and seeing the Joy in my children, well, that fills me completely.

            

            I went through some crazy, painful times, my children gave me reason to see beyond the darkness, and kept me from losing sight. Today, Savannah is 24. And my son, Cody is 22. And they are still very much my teachers, and my guiding light. I thank God, I found it in me to open up my eyes!

 

                           Timothy G. Britton