Early this morning I was rudely awakened by a large finger, prodding my body. It was the man I'd shared a bed with last night. Red in the face and flapping his arms wildly about, he screamed these exact words: "Urgh! Disgusting! the ugliest thing I've ever slept with!" He called me a "Disgusting insect" and that I should have died at birth. Honestly, what a fuss! I was hurt by his remark about me being a disgusting insect, since I'm truly not; in fact, some people have said I'm beautiful.
He was drunk last night and I honestly believe that he didn't know that I had hitched a taxi ride home with him. It was his fault; he picked me up. I was indifferent about the whole thing. In hindsight, had I known I was going to get that much hassle, I would have thought twice about going home with him. But, well, he was there and so was I... You know how it is, right?
I can only put his overreaction down to the fact that I've always been very active at night and I suppose I didn't let him get much sleep. Perhaps I kept a knee in his back all night. Or something.
I can guess what you're thinking: "It's a despicable way for a woman to behave; going home with strange men." Well, maybe for you it is, but where I come from it's perfectly natural. So I'm going to keep doing it.
There are people I do try to avoid though. When it's all about the chase I'm off like a shot. Surely you've experienced that - totally unwanted attention; hands grabbing at you? And if you haven't, you should be thankful for your plain looks. But for me, my looks can be my downfall.
Anyway, going back to that man this morning; before I had the chance to scuttle off while his naked back was turned, he literally manhandled me with his sweaty hands and threw me onto the street! He said that I should be lucky that I'm still alive. A tad extreme if you ask me. I guess I should be lucky I'll never have to see his bright orange underpants ever again. At least it's Summer and it's warm. I love it, it's so buzzing with nature. It feels so good to shed my outer garments and have alfresco lunch. And before you say "Is that all you do; laze about in the sun all day and go home with strange men at night?" it isn't. I do work for a living. I'm a self-employed web-designer and I love it. What I don't like is being with people whose only aim is to bully and walk all over you. It's not in my nature.
My life is a simple one but it's by far no means easy; but you won't hear me complain. I don't understand those who moan about their lives and how hard and miserable it is.
A while ago, I was eating lunch on a park bench, listening to a woman moaning about how her boss doesn't appreciate her; that her husband never pays her any attention and how her children hate her. She was babbling about herself so much I don't even think she knew I was there. Then she said, "Just try walking a mile in my shoes." Why do people say such weird things?
Well, I did try walking a mile in her shoes (as she put it) and I gotta be honest; kudos to that woman! She didn't have it easy. I realise that now as the experience almost killed me. But thinking about it, maybe the solution to that woman's problems is to wear better fitting shoes. I reckon she'd be a lot happier.
You see people, how much easier your lives would be if you stopped rushing about and actually stopped and took the time to think about how to make your life easier instead of doing nothing and moaning about it?
That woman should try being me - a common house spider, then come back and tell me how she got on. If she hasn't been squashed by an unsuspecting man she's crawled into bed with, that is...
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