The meadow

The meadow

A Story by CrashDavis47

A doe tentatively stepped from the forest raising its head as it scanned the area and moved.  Fog danced across the meadow slowly dissipating as sunrise neared, leaving behind drops of dew that decorated every blade of grass.  The soft gurgle of a stream could be heard in the silence almost musical as it flowed to and fro. A slight breeze seemed to breathe its way into existence; the branches of the surrounding trees came alive as they responded to its gentle caress.  The light from the coming sun painted the sky as it gently woke the world. The doe stiffened, ears twitching as it listened. As abruptly as it had come it bounded of leaving the meadow behind. A steady thumping resonated through the trees growing louder as the source neared. Men poured forth from the forest, shoulder to shoulder they stood thousands seeming to glow as the morning sun played across the surface of their armor. Directly in front of them in the treeline Vallorian sat atop his black destrier waiting his hand poised to give the signal to his men.  Dagran had underestimated them and as such had marched his glorious army to their doom. They would continue across the meadow heading east right into the range of his archers. To Vallorian time seemed to slow as his prey neared the first marker. Finally this would end. He gave the first signal which sent runners to the north as south of his position where the rest of his men waited. Ten seconds, twenty, another quick gesture signaled the archers to ready their arrows.  The sun was just above the tree line shining brightly, Dagran and his men continued to move toward it and him. Slowly he raised his arm a quick movement of his fingers and the archers loosed immediately preparing another shot. Arrows flew hidden by the morning sun only the slight hum of their flight could be heard. Again Vallorians archers fired. The silence of the meadow was shattered as the deadly missiles found their targets.  Men fell screaming, arrows protruding from their bodies.  The Surprise lasted only an instant as men began shouting orders. The second volley met as many shields as it did flesh. Vallorian Savagely threw his harm down signaling his men forward. Spears lowered, shields at the ready they moved.

 

The Runner reached Mikkell Fairly quickly. It was almost time, the sun was just about right all he had to do was wait. He looked down the line, his men sat grim face ready for the task at hand. Dagran would pay for his sins and they were here to collect. It was a short wait, the death screams sounded throughout the meadow. Mikkel turned to his men “ Men ready your weapons! Lets show those dogs how to Fight.” Slowly Mikkel and his cavalry began moving toward the meadow. Their pace was a slow walk while in the trees the timing had to be right.

 

Jonathon Began moving his men forward as soon as the runner reached him. The timing had to be perfect. Once the arrows hit Dagran and his men would be searching for an enemy Jonathon would be happy to oblige. He and his foot soldiers marched double time to reach the edge of the trees. A hundred or so strides separated His men and Dagrans. Jonathon raised his hand to signal a halt, Vallorian had to engage first that was the plan.

 

As Vallorian and his men cleared the trees they began quickening their pace. Battle cries filled the air as the enemy spotted them. “Ready men, OUR TIME IS NOW!  Forward! The front line Began moving forward shields up short swords at the ready. The men directly behind them moved poised spears up ready  to fill any hole in the line .  Vallorian dismounted without his cavalry he was just a target while riding, he fought with his men, bled with them , and would die for them if need be. They loved him for it. He could see Dagran atop his destrier shouting orders he would die and Vallorian was going to kill him. They covered the distance in what seemed like seconds a loud Crash Echoed through the meadow as the shield walls met.  The shield wall was no place for him and his long sword, he waited in the second line and waited for his men to open a hole he could fill. The clash of metal and the screams competed for dominance over the meadow. As the hole opened Vallorian leapt ahead sword moving in its deadly dance. He was a sight to see, each move quick and graceful and leading to the next. No wasted motion a clear sign of a blade master. He was death.

 

Jonathon watched as Vallorian left his horse Idiot he thought to himself.  Stay back we can’t afford to lose you. Drawing his sword  he signaled to his men once they cleared the trees the pace quickened. Vallorians men and their initial charge had the desired effect Dagrans shield wall was strained close to the breaking point. Their superior number however gave them an advantage but Jon was coming. The focus of Dagrans Men was no longer solely on Vallorian. Shouts went up as th prepared their flank for attack. Confusion, fear, the emotions coming from dagrans men were so thick they could be tasted. “ No Mercy men!”

 

Mikkel Smiled to himself, it’s working.  With Vallorian in front And Jon to their flank Dagran would have nowhere to retreat when he arrived.  His cavalry would rip through them smashing them toward Jon and Vallorian.  They were fully engaged and doing damage. NOW! He thought as he signaled. Horses cleared the trees and galloped forward lances ready to kill.

 

 Perfect the thought crept its way into Vallorians subconscious. Still he moved the dead and the dying all around.  Ranks parted as a giant stepped through, Vallorian was by no means a small man but this man was huge. Dagran!  it was him!   Soldiers moved about to avoid them.  “Seems to me yer ready to die boy” Boomed Dagran. Vallorian simply smiled as he moved forward cautiously. Like a striking snake he lashed out  his sword parried moved to the next attack, a flurry of blows nearly invisible to the naked eye followed. Slash, thrust , cut , everything stopped before any really damage was done.  Vallorian was good but the question that kept nagging him am I good enough?   Stop  he shouted to himself Dagran will die!  He slowed his attack, brut force wouldn’t be enough that at least was clear. “ My turn!” Shouted Dagran Right left Right over Left Under the blows rained down. Blood flowed from a cut on Vallorians forehead close, to close!   He was strained to his limit Barely turning aside the most deadly attacks. This had to end and quickly. Clearing his mind, he attacked. Every trick he had ever learned , ever seen , and anything he could come up with. Becoming a blur he danced around Dagran .  Moving, waiting for an opening. Dagrans arm so strong and so quick began to slow.  Almost!  Left, over, under thrust , right , under thrust, left , THRUST!  Dagran stood surprise showing just before the lights went out.

 

Mikkel crashed into them. Men were tossed aside as the powerful horses galloped through. Lances broke and men screamed.

 

Jon pushed forward  Dagrans men were buckling it wouldn’t be long now.

 

The battle had raged for hours, but it was clearly coming to an end. At one time the meadow had been truly beautiful. Green grass had flowed over hills and gulley’s, Flowers of all colors decorated the landscape, and a stream of the clearest water had flowed. Now the grass was covered in gore, men trampled the flowers as they maneuvered rank by rank, and the stream had become a deep red.  They had come with the morning sun from all directions bellowing challenges as they poured forth into the meadow. They died by the thousands.

 

© 2010 CrashDavis47


Author's Note

CrashDavis47
Just felt like writing this. Practice for a novel im working on. Pleas let me know if everything is clear and any other Criticisms you have that will help me to be a better writer

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Reviews

This pieces strength was your words. They were beautiful and unique, not the usual boring common ones. They painted well thought out scenes. However, I think your sentence structure with them needs work. For instance in the beginning, though you paint a beautiful image
with the words you chose, their order and entrance I don't feel is very inviting. I feel here you are more telling us whats going on: and though you tell us whats happening very beautifully, I want to be sitting right there feeling the fog dissapate. I want to watch the light from the sun paint the sky.
Every sentence in the beginning focuses on a new aspect of the meadow, and just tells us about it. "The light" "The fog" "the doe" are how all of the sentences begin.
And you've made the doe seem to be a very large part of the story, the meadow a big focus and a big introduction: but then you switch immediately too the battle.
Nothing about the introduction prepared me for a battle, the beautiful meadow.. I wasn't expecting a battle. Maybe bring one sentence into the description in the beginning about something of the battle being in the air.. like
The music of a resting, delicate meadow in peace continued to play: though in truth, this meadow was one laying in wait, not in peace.
Mother nature's relaxing serenity was about to fade under the warfare of mankind. (for example)
Other than that, I think the biggest thing you need to work on is as I was saying the sentence fluency. Keep your beautiful words, change the way they enter our minds perhaps. Also work a bit with your punctuation and grammar, there were a few spelling errors and grammar mishaps: mostly, the lack of commas. This caused a lot of run on sentences.
I think this is a very creative and imaginative piece and good practice for a novel.
It has grasped my attention and kept me captivated as I read it, you have a very creative mind. Sorry if I got carried away with this, I just love to come by and pick apart stories such as this and imagine what can be done with them. This one shows a lot of potential in my mind, and bear in mind that my corrections were simply those born of opinion and tastes:
this piece does not need immediate changes.
Hope I have helped, let me know if there is anything else I can do.
I'm moving on to three more of yourp pieces you asked me to review.
Thank you for messaging me.
-Ashes&Ebony(kitten.)
100/100

Posted 8 Years Ago


men trampled the flowers as they maneuvered rank by rank

Very good, needs to be edited. Other than that it is golden, very descriptive.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Brilliant I enjoyed this read.

Posted 8 Years Ago


First, break up the huge black blocks of text into reasonable paragraphs. Many readers are intimidated by masses of unbroken text and will not read your story. That would be a shame, it is a damn good chapter. Second, You sometimes capitalize words, midsentence, that are not proper nouns. Third, use spell check. and watch the tendency to omit silent "e"s when they are the final letter in a word.
Now for the sugar to help the medicine go down. You made me want to read more, what led up to the battle, why the personal feeling of hatred? What happens after the battle, immediately and to the families and followers of the losing side? More, I want more!

Posted 8 Years Ago


I think you did great. You describe the fight prefectly and the way you described the forest before the fight was breath taking!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Wow this was great! I agree with both of the reviews below, I think if you cleaned it up just a tad it would flow more easily. But well done, the imagery was lovely and the names you used also worked very well- often fantasy stories have names that are too confusing or just sound lame but you chose well!
One small confusion however was the fact that it was just morning at the beginning of the story but it also seemed to be just morning at the end of the read... but I thought the battle was a number of hours? Maybe I read this wrong but if not then there is one suggestion of something to fix.
Wonderful work!

Posted 8 Years Ago


This was very good, but there were a few mistakes. Like no indentions, but that can be easily fixed.

Posted 8 Years Ago


AMAZING description! I hope you will post the novel, please this was a very enjoyable read!! :) The only thing i really have to say would be that in some parts, it seemed that a comma was needed, or even a period. There just some run-on sentences, or ones that could have been spaced out into two, having two different subjects. Anyway, i loved this! amazing job!

xoxo Caitlyn xoxo

Posted 8 Years Ago



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Added on December 1, 2010
Last Updated on December 1, 2010

Author

CrashDavis47
CrashDavis47

denver, CO



About
Im an aspiring author, what i want to do in life is write novels. Im trying to take a serious go at this so please comment and critique my writing. anything to help me be a better writer is welcome more..

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