A Beautiful Blindness

A beautiful blindness steals my sight. Does she sense the desire? Can she feel the weight of my lust? Her soft eyes shine like the sun before dawn. You feel the heavenly perfection with every curve of her skin. My thoughts race wild a million dreams cloud the mind. Her enchanted touch drifts upon my face releasing a world known only to lovers and Gods.

 As our passion unfolds two bodies become one, the fire in our hearts ignites an everlasting ecstasy. The palace of our love is unbreakable, what we have built nobody can destroy. As her lips meet mine all things in life fall beneath our feet. We soar to the highest cloud were every urge is fulfilled. The universe makes a home for us among the stars, where are symphony sings forever.

Author: M.Rose

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems,

Reviews

[Anya]

This is a nice poem:

The first line is nice.
"Does she sense the (take out the 'the' and put 'my' as it's from you your talking about) desire, (no comma, put a question mark) (C)an she feel the weight of my lust. (question mark for a question)"
"Her soft eyes shine like the sun before me." I love this image. Although "the sun before me" may be changed to something like "the sun before dawn" or something similar as 'before me' doesn't seem quite right for it. Continuing the image will make it flow better.
"You (I would change 'you' to 'I' as you have been talking in the first person before) feel the heavenly perfection with every curve of her skin." It may just be me but skin curving is a bit of a strange image to put there. 'Every curve of her body' would be better but using skin curving seems a little odd for this poem.
"My thoughts race wild (Comma) a million dreams cloud the (my?) mind."
"Her enchanted touch falls upon my face (hmm... face seems a bit awkward. Maybe just "her enchanted touch releases a world... etc) releasing a world known only to lovers and (G)ods." Other then that, it's a very powerful line.


This poem isn't bad... isn't bad at all. There are some lovely sentences. I would format it so it looks more like a poem though.

Keep writing :)

[mooney]

Man your good!

[Helena]

Absolutely beautiful! I loved the closing especially......good one. ~ Helena

[Sseoni]

Wow! What a great poem! So passionate and beautiful! I loved the details and descriptions! Along with the wording and vocabulary! Although it wasn't really in poem format, it was a wonderful poem! I really enjoyed reading this! :D

[Trikius]

Thank you for the ideas I put most of them into use.

[Gabi Celaya]

You said to ignore grammar problems, but I'm going to assume that doesn't include spelling. You've used the word "are" four times in the second paragraph/stanza where I suspect you mean "our". Soar and ecstasy are spelt as so. But leaving such mundane issues aside, I do like this poem quite a bit.
The reviewer above suggested you might restructure the poem, which is certainly a possibility and one that could work well, but as it is now it feels like an extract from a great romantic novel or something out of Arabian Nights. It feels as though there is more to this story and we are only getting a glimpse of the lovers' briefest moments before the curtain shrouds them from us.
Ordinarily I wouldn't suggest changing specific words, as this is very much the poet's prerogative, but maybe the word "falls" in "falls upon my face" might be changed to something with softer connotations - perhaps "drifts upon"? - to contrast with the fact that this small tender act is releasing a new world.
Well done, and keep at it