Bleeding

Rippling strength flows
Pouring from his bleeding heart
Blood drips from merciless blows
As he loses his sacred part

His life, his ruby river
Mixing with dripping drops of tears
Combines to form a shiver
As he struggles past sadness to peer

His feather pen dips deep
Into his blood horn of bleeding ink
He writes one last thing to keep
So he can die with hope and sink.

His last breath blows through him
His pen writes the words he seeks
The words appear as his eyes dim
"I love you still" with his last peek.

Reviews

[Taja B.]

I really like this poem. This is sorta like something I wrote last august, but this poem is so much better than the poem I wrote then!!!lol...Well I thought this was a very nice poem and I could definitely relate to it in real life because I was going through the same situation for months!!! And I think I'm sorta going through that situation right now!!lol...
Nice poem!!!

[Blueyedreamer]

i think you did a nice job on this one
the structure is good as is the rythm
it slow a bit in a few parts but that doesnt detract from the writing much
the imagery is consistant and works well throughout it

i particularly enjoyed the third stanza, second line
(Into his blood horn of bleeding ink )
although it seems to me you are saying the same thing twice
thanks for sending this one to me
keep sending them, i like your work and am happy to review them

sincerely yours from the clouds....blueyedreamer........

[JlB]

Very well done indeed Ben, yeah I can definately relate to this. His pen, the writer. The ending, I'm impressed man. Your alliteration throughout the piece didn't go unnoticed and it gave it the extra muscle so it could considered visually stunning, good job on the visuals man.

His last breath blows through him...

yeah I like this

jlb

[Callie Bookman]

Very well done rhyming! The middle two stanzas were quite good, and did a fairly good job of describing the feelings without being all too cliche, which is hard with those sort of love-heartbreak poetry.

I do think that it would be a bit nicer to look at and easier to read if you worked on some puncuation, instead of each stanza being one long sentence. But, I'm just very obsessive about puncuation, so the lack of it bugs me a bit. Nothing hard at all to add, and nothing that will make or break the poem. Just a nitpick.

All in all, quite a good job. I enjoyed reading it.

[Being.john.sweet~The Ev..]

our undying love remains and penned in gold...thank you for sharing this~john

[Ed Rector]

this poem has some great emotion behind it but i just don't see to many of the images.... the piece is rather abstract to me and i'd like to see more concrete imagry in here.

i did enjoy the rhythm to this piece though which made it rather easy to read. but that doesn't really help to much when the images are unclear.

[Dead Angel]

great job on this tiger, especailly at the end. so many people can relate to this metaphoracally of course, the description and the images were also good. you put alot of emotion in this poem. keep it up. :)

[Merancapeman]

Filled with meaning. The only trouble I had with this poem is that I laughed. I'm going through this EXACT SAME THING. Why is it that every time I read one of your poems, I appear to sympathize with it? Maybe it's you doing it. CUT IT OUT, TIGER!!!

All in all, your emotion was put into this one (like most poems) and I could feel a little piece of what you were going through. That is, if this IS what you're going through. I only assume this because of your description. Good luck, Tiger.

[Krystal Waters]

This is really a tear jerker... so sad. I could see what was going on, as your imagry of the scene you set was fantastic. The pen.. the last words he wanted to have everyone read... or the one he loved... (Stop making these so sad!!! Makes me cry)



Krystal

[Melissa M.]

Good flow and rhyme, though some of the lines feel a little forced.
"As he struggles past sadness to peer", I don't know why this one bothers me, but it stuck out like a sore thumb in my mind.
Other than that, excellent poem of lost love. Very emotional.

[Gary H]

Heartbreaking stuff and I can only agree with what Maria has said below. I really like the idea of
writing in blood to a lost love 'I love you still'. That is so distressing but exactly what a bleeding heart can make you do. Excellent.