That Evil Thing

New poem... About war, longest one to make yet.

So many lives were broken,

As if nothing mattered,

So many children stricken,

And many nations scattered.

 

Now all flee for shelter,

But none of that comes soon,

We kill to save each other,

But doom ourselves to ruin.

 

Now our world lays crippled,

Our hands have crushed its spine,

Mortality rate has tripled,

Farewell, poor world of mine.

 

Though our world is dying,

People will not see,

They just keep right on killing,

Repeating history.

 

Now we are on the brink,

They wonder why one lives,

Because all strove to think,

 That earth is all there is.

 

But no one understood,

They killed for their belief,

They killed because they could,

And the world is swept with grief.

 

Now some come to realize,

That what we thought, was wrong,

We were fools who thought it wise,

Though this thinking won't last long.

 

All throughout the ages,

People there have seen,

The evil war engages,

Then return to the obscene.

 

So we are therefore cursed,

Marching to our beat,

That forever evil deed,

Destined to repeat.

Author's Note

Help please!

Reviews

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

"Now all flee for shelter,
But none of that comes soon,
We kill to save each other,
But doom ourselves to ruin."
Nice stanza, but ruin isn't the best rhyme with soon. Also, I don't understand the second line. But none of that comes soon? I don't understand.
"Now our world lays crippled,
Our hands have crushed its spine,
Mortality rate has tripled,
Farewell, poor world of mine."
First it's our world and then it's mine. I realize that mine is the rhyming word but maybe have the first one be, "And now my world lays crippled" y'know, actually, that doesn't sound so great. See what you think.
"That what we thought, was wrong," no need for the comma.
I noticed that some stanza's have the form A B C B, while others have the A B A B form. I'd say keep it consistent.
Anyway other than those things you did good. The more you write of these the better you get. And you've written a bunch of 'em.

[bluessadmood]

This was so nice ,i hope it opens those minds..who will never mind
Many lives broken,children stricken,nations scattered
We doom ourselves to ruin,our world is crippled
Yes..just keep right on killing,you are doing a wonderful job!!!
this is a strong bitter write ,i was really touched..
lovely write ..

[Lexi Nicole]

I must say, I'm rather blown away with this. The wording is very simple, but powerful. I admit, you strayed from your rhyme scheme here and there, but it wasn't too noticeable, not much stumbling over words because the basic rhythm and flow stayed. This poem shows a lot of potential, you've got some real talent, I think you may just need to hone your skills a little bit in the area of rhyming. But you're well on your way, nice piece!

-Howl

[Hello Kitty]

GREG! That is Awsome!!! You SHOULD definatly publish it! AMAZING! And I think that you should make a series of these poems!! Go enter it in a contest!!! Oh, first get it Copy Righted!

[Kelsey Desmond]

I trying to help you out by getting ratings. I haven't read this one yet....but I will soon! ^_^

[Mark]

This is the first of your poems I've read, Titan (name?), but it shall not be the last. I see strong potential in you, for one who (if your Avatar is in fact you) seems very young. I disagree with other of your correspondents: "soon" and "ruin" are close enough to fall under the umbrella of poetic license, if the 2nd and 4th rhyme, it's not critical that the 1st and 3rd do as well, and a few too few or many syllables here or there are not sufficiently jarring to break the flow; in fact a little jaggedness is complimentary in a piece whose mood is primarily frustration and anguish! I am a strong proponent of Rhyme and Meter (just read my Bio sketch, or 95% of my work!), and I find it encouraging to see it handled so capably in one so young; much of what passes for poetry today...Well, I'll not go there...YET! At any rate, GOOD JOB!!

[Kristena]

Wow!!!!!! Greg that should be published!!!!1 Amazing job Bro!!!!!!!

[Shanna (Renae)]

You just keep getting better and better! There's no need to ask for help. I'm putting this one in my favorites . . . Good job. :)

[Scott Free]

Oh, so true, so true.
Quite a well-done poem, Greg. The beginning was powerful, so was the end. The middle lacked luster. It seemed you were reaching for some of the rhymes and the meter was interrupted some by over-long or over-short lines. I would either shorten it or smooth it out. I would say maybe take out one stanza--this would give it more flow. Right now there's a lot of separate ideas that might be connected more if there weren't so many. So I would say read it over and make sure that every stanza is one you want in there, if you can't part with just a few.
Good job! I like your new poems, very good =)

~S

[17thWhitePrince]

WoW !!! WoW !!!
Beautiful In Every Single Way !!!
Well Said My Friend !!!
Well Said !!!
I Aplaude You !!!
That Was Perfect !!!
WoW !!!
Bravo !!!
WoW !!!
That Was Just Marvelous !!!
I Am So Amazed !!!
WoW !!!