Misfit

Venice is serving her punishment for her troubles.

                Green, it’s everywhere. So much green. My parents always thought it was a soothing color. Now being surrounded by it, it’s very annoying, boring even. Even the door is green. I’m locked in a green storage closet. Why green? Storage closets should be white or gray or some other boring beige-like color, but not green! I’m nearly going insane. My parents want me to learn my lesson, but instead I’m going insane!

                “Honey, this is the last time I’m going to ask you, did you have sex with Thomas?” my mother asks through the door, sensing my nerves bouncing.

                “Yes! Yes, I slept with him. I had sex with him and the whole shebang! Are you happy? Let me out of here!” I hate things that aren’t the colors that they should be.

                I hear the door rattle as a key is turned. “Promise me you’re not going to kill your sister.” My mother looks at me as she opens the door. Her eyebrows shoot up, demanding an answer.

                “Fine, I won’t kill her.”

                When she finally lets me out of the closet, I rush out and towards the fridge. Someone slaps my hand. “Only the good girls get the good food. You can go over there and get something,” my sister says as she points to the pantry. Normally, I’d fight with her. Right now I’m way too hungry to even try.

               “Oh. So you’re too scared to fight me today? That’s too bad. I was prepared to argue that Thomas only did you in order to get to me.” I turn and take deep breaths, trying to keep my temper in check.

               Her perfect golden hair is spilling over her shoulders, recently bleached. Her mascara covered lashes flutter delicately, revealing her overdone smokey-eye makeup. She purses her perfect-sized red-lipstick covered lips. Personally, I think she wears too much makeup. I’d tell her but I hate her. She tugs her shirt down the slightest bit to reveal some of her cleavage.

“Anyways,” she starts. “I doubt he even wanted to sleep with a lesbian as s****y and desperate as you.” She turns her back to me.

One second I’m five feet away from her, the next I’ve got her turned around and my mouth on her neck. I bite down as hard as I can as she screams and struggles beneath me. Her breasts pressing against mine as she tries to push me off her. My arms wrap around her tighter as my lips find her mouth, muffling her pleas. She tries to bite me as I take her tongue and suck it. Her nails claw at my neck, turning me on even more. Finally, I feel my father’s hands pulling me back. All I can do is give him and my sister a lazy smirk.

                “You promised your mother you wouldn’t hurt her.”

                “No, I promised her I wouldn’t kill her.” My father never lets go of my arms. My mother enters the room, horrified by what she sees.

                “Oh, Thalia, darling.” My mother covers her mouth as she crosses the room to hold my breathless, crying sister. “Venice, I cannot believe you.”

                “I can.” My older brother, Bryce, walks in. He replaces my father’s hands with his and whispers in my ear, “You couldn’t just hold back, could you?” I hear the disappointment in his voice. I look at him and try to explain. The look he gives me says that we’re going to talk about this some more, in private.

                “Venice, you’re grounded and you are going to help your sister for the rest of the week,” my mother announces with finality. My father exits the room as my sister starts crying and pleading to change my punishment. He never gets involved with family situations.

                “Mom, please. I don’t want to be anywhere near her. Please!” A look of regret crosses my mother’s face.

                “Ok, let me think of something else,” she tells Thalia. “You are still grounded, though. Off to your room,” she says to me.

Reviews

[M.R Steiner]

well this was an interesting piece. disturbing, confusing and oddly sexual, all in good/strange way I might add. your premise managed to keep my attention, the characters in a scene this short are fairly fleshed out in their roles as adversary, punisher and adjudicator while adding to the focus of your main characters situation.

my opinions are strictly amateur and based mostly on reading experience so please take them with a pinch of salt.

my only complaints are that there is a little over use of adjectives, which can be easily substituted or omitted entirely. Also some of the actions are muddled up inside other people's dialogue tags too, when another character takes another action or thinks or feels something, there needs to be a space, but your still young and apart from that you really have a good grip on writing, better than I had at that age for sure.

This format of story could do with some punchy action in the scenes where she attacks her sister. Specifically I mean in the show don't tell variety, unless its in diary format. for example. 'When she finally lets me out of the closet, I rush out and towards the fridge. Someone slaps my hand' could be 'My eyes squinted in reaction to the long lost light as every muscle tensed and cried out for food. I barely noticed my mother as I slammed against the fridge where a hand stung the back of my neck to force me away.'

[M.R Steiner]

again, its a bit long and heavy on commas but you see what I am trying to get at.

your young, but I think you'll be able to write some truly provocative stuff in due time, the imagination is there, you just have some kinks to work out, (Remember I'm nowhere near a professional writer :) but either way I found this really interesting.

in terms of stories and films of similar themes, I have two recommendations. the piano teacher -is both an award winning book and film, it deals with repressed emotions that boil up into sadism and masochism compelled by personal and family drives. the second is a movie, titled 'The Woman' this about an abusive patriarchal father who finds a feral woman in the woods and tries to 'civilise' her, it's highly allegorical of the three feminine archetypes in a male driven society. FULL WARNING THOUGH, both these stories are Really REALLY gruesome/gory, disturbing and horrifying in their own rights, watch/read at your own peril.

finally, I think you may be in the age range of a book I currently putting through it's second rewrite. I finished the original novel a few years back but left it for a while and have since returned to it for a complete rewrite before I send it off for a second round of publisher/agent queries.

It's called Totenstein, it's about a girl who discovers a red book and a vial of green liquid that essentially lets her bring back the dead and mutate the living. don't expect you to read the whole thing, but a younger readers opinion on it would be really appreciated as that's who it is aimed at.

I hope you found my review useful.

this has been one of the more provocative things I have ever read on this site, well done.

[M.R Steiner]

I had to cut my review in half because the site can't handle anything other than a token reviewer leaving one sentence

[M.R Steiner]

here's a link for my book http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/couincilmanZero/1823702/

[Ellie Venice]

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. I'll have a look at your book :)

[Tyler Oliver]

It's a great first chapter, and I love the hook you used to kick things off. Keep writing.

-Tyler