First impression

 

We have just arrived . We have a house on the outskirts of town. My family and I had to move here because it was so much trouble just to come here every day to feed. My name is Kyle I am one of the strongest of my family. My brother Jack was the oldest and there’s my sister Charlie. Over looking us was my mum and dad, they were keeping a close eye on us, making sure we weren’t going to reveal our identities. You see the blood stained air was nearly too tempting all of our mouths were watering at the thought of the countless people we could feed on. But we can’t feed now we do have manners after all. The people are so petty that we almost feel pity for them as we walk around the town. The females are the worst they try to flirt with us it’s disgusting. The thought of us mixing with others it’s just so repulsive. The council won’t allow it either. Falling in love with these people is forbidden. My family don’t talk to me as much because I always go against what they say. My sister is the only one who doesn’t mind interacting with me a lot. My mum favours Jack over me so I always get the short end of the stick.

 It’s around midnight now nearly everyone is at home but there’s always some who are alone in the dark. We hunt for them, they’re easy targets which need minimal effort to feed on. As we separate to hunt I was having trouble finding a human to feed on, the air was cold and felt good against our ice cold skin. Ah looks like my luck has changed a girl is walking this way. She seems a little out of it confused of where she is. She just bumped into me “Watch were you are going” I said.

She quickly replied “I’m sorry sir I’m in a rush please help me someone is chasing me”  I saw a couple of men approached me and her.

 “Hand her over she’s ours” they shouted.

 “She is not yours to own she’s mine now” I calmly said giving them a deafly, cold stare.

 “In your dreams you freak” they quickly ran towards me I watched every single one of their movements closley. I gripped my fists tightly and crushed them into both of their faced. They flew into the air and came crashing down in a matter of moments quivering on the ice cold ground.

They’re bleeding a bit. “I could suck them dry” I thought, but I mustn’t not in front of her. Suddenly one of the men grabbed at my leg. “and I thought of letting you guys go". What a pity” “Missy over there” I shouted over at her “Please close your eyes” For some reason I didn’t want to let her see the savage beast that I am. As she closed her eyes I sunk my teeth into the man; yes it’s been a while this will be done quickly. The blood was warm but yet bitter. The bitterness was because of the person themselves, this person's heart was tainted. Yet I did not care, I need the blood, my taste buds are dancing. Such a shame in front of such a pretty and vulnerable lady. I felt as if i'll lose myself in the escasty, the blood quenched my long thirst. As I arose from the man. I glanced at her; she was in shock. Her hands half covering her face. Trying not to see what was going on but at the same time wanting to know whats happening. My heart sunk as her shaky fingers revealed her hazy grey eyes deepening as her pupils shrunk.

 “Thank you for er-m saving me. I have to go now sorry” she said hastily .

  “Don’t worry they’re still alive" I reassured her they won’t remember a thing”. There’s something interesting about her she seems different from all other human girls and my kind. I’m pretty curious to find out more about her.  

My family will soon catch up with me our speed is incredibly swift. I break the silence “I’ll be seeing you soon” this sent a chill down her spine “O-ok” she said and I walked away when I was out of ear shot I ran as far as I can away from her so my family wont feed on her.

They’ve found me and realised quickly that I managed to feed. “Time to go home” My mum said. There’s the usual awkward silence. My sister suddenly put her hand on my shoulder gesturing me to slow down. She was silent for a couple of minutes before saying “I saw you with that girl” she spoke hesitantly. I looked at her shocked but I did not dare to utter a word. “Why did you let her go?” she asked me. I looked at her startled, I didn’t know what to say. “Don’t worry I won’t tell the others. I think what you done was nice. It isn’t her fault she was blind. But I must tell you do not under any circumstance let the others find out. Also you must not get too close or her life and yours will be in great danger. You know this don’t you?" I replied “Yes. I know. Don’t worry I’m just a little curious I will never get close to these insignificant beings.” “I’m just warning you” My sister said. We started to catch up with the family. I knew at the back of my head that I should keep my distance from now on.

As the sun rose it was time for us to get ready for school. This is pitiful the thought of mixing with humans my own thought sent a shiver down my spine. “I wonder if that girl would be there” I thought to myself. Then I blocked out all thoughts of her. She means nothing to me nothing at all. I kept reasurring myself, but deep down I know she left some sort of impression on me, a imprint on my heart. Vampires and humans cannot mix. It’s a rule we must obey at all costs. I kept repeating this in my head. The punishment is so brutal not even the strongest vampire like me can withstand.

Unlike in the books we vampires don’t burn in the light it’s all a myth created by this simple minded humans. That is why we can blend into the human world. We are all getting in the car to get to school its quiet as usual. As we arrive at the school the humans all stared at us. I guess its cause we are how you say, it good looking.

As we brush pass the humans to get into class someone suddenly caught my attention. It was her. She was standing with some human boys. Looks like they are attracted to her for some reason this annoyed me. So I walked up to her and whispered in her ear “So we meet again” she seemed surprised. “Er-m Hi” she said. “I’m new I need someone to show me round the school. Would you help me?”.

Reviews

[Liverpoolfan]

Interesting start. But this needs alot more work to it. It's good, but it can be ALOT better. Firstly, when a person speaks there should be a comma, before you close the speech marks. For example, "Yes" she answered. Should be... "Yes," she answered. It seems like a small thing, I know. But it's now gramatically correct. Also, I think alot more description is needed in the actual piece of writing. Detail is also needed. Futhermore, try and vary your sentences. Try and change the lengths of them. Don't make them all short. try doing some complex sentences, and sometimes insert clauses into them. Hope this helps.

[Skyman]

Very good, has alot of potenial.
But what you might want to consider is a prelude as to how the main character got her powers. And detail is loved by the more serious readers, so you'll want to talk about how everything looks through the characters eyes.