Alive

A simple story about how two people complete each other

"Tell me about your first time." He asked her, gazing at the starry blanket over them. She raised her eyebrows at him, a confused look dominating her soft features.

He sighed, deciding to explain properly,"I mean, not your first crush or anything, I want to know the first time you felt, I don't know, I guess, alive."

"The first time I felt alive?" She giggled softly.

"The first time you felt like yourself, that is how I'll explain it. The time you explored the deepest secrets of your soul, even if it was only for a second. Or maybe, felt a connection to something bigger. Beyond this, bigger than this. Whatever alive is in your opinion."

"And why would you like to know this? Isn't it, I don't know, too, well, philosophical, for our age?" She continued teasing him.

"I just want to."

Her grey eyes said that they wanted to continue teasing him as they stared into his own green orbs, but they soon widened in realization. He was asking her for the answer with his words, but the pleading look in his eyes was too much for her. She sighed, giving in.

Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration as she hunted her brain, going through all the precious moments stored in there. “It was the most exhilarating experience of all time. I carved it into stone, but it’s only a memory now, like all of the others.”

He gently urged her to go on, so she elaborated.

"Well, I think it was the time I was sitting between the river and the forest at my granny's place. I could hear the river’s water flowing and the chirping of the birds, and my cousins laughing. And suddenly, my brain decided to tune it all out. All I had was this feeling. I can’t explain it, it was so, so amazing. All I remember is that I had a purpose on this Earth. There was something beyond this world, much more that this, and I had to reach it."

The wind started blowing towards them as if on cue. It made its way through her tangled, black hair, blowing it out of her face. She closed her eyes and smiled softly, as though reliving the moment again. His gaze lingered on her features, observing her smile, for a moment longer before turning back to the stars.

"The stars are our guardians, you know." A huge, yet soft smile settled on his lips.

She turned to take in his face, soaked in happiness as he smiled, making her smile too.

"You should smile more often. It lights your face up."

"We should do this more often, you know."

"Will that make you smile?"

"Yes, I promise."

Hearing those words of his made her smile even wider. "Have you ever felt alive before?"

In reply, he gave her a soft laugh and a tiny smile, before turning back to the sky. It seemed like he didn't want to answer as he stubbornly kept his eyes on the flickering lights above them, but somewhere inside her, she already knew the answer. As he listened to her talk about how she felt alive, maybe he felt alive too.

© 2018 Vasilees Sybissyl

Author's Note

What do you guys think? Let me know, each comment is a huge motivation and is very important to me. Thanks for reading, loves!!

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Reviews

Chopstix

I found this story through the new discover feature.

This is an interesting vignette with two characters. We learn about the characters spiritual (lay version of philosophical) beliefs through a brief conversation which seems to take place outside (wind and stars). I imagine a meadow.

The topic is moments of clarity, where people gain insight, meaning, in flashes. They feel more alive and “in the moment” than they do when they employ a more reasoned approach to life. My friends at Starbucks and I oft discuss this and one thing we all agree on is that whatever this phenomenon is, it’s impossible to describe in words. This pieces approach, that you are more “alive,” rings true.

There is not much of a story here. Stories introduce conflict, plot around for a while and somehow resolve the conflict. There is no real conflict here, though there are hints of some. This is a tentative, intimate conversation which has tinges of young love, but there isn’t any real romance or even amorous affection in this piece. There is the male characters desire to know more about being “alive,” but it’s more a desire to share the experience in some way. Still the female character’s reluctance to talk about her experiences sorta provides some conflict. Without much story, we are left with a cute vignette which tempts us to read further and teases us along without revealing very much.

I have a few notes.

He/she versus character names: In short fiction, character names help give readers character impressions. James vs Clyde versus Vic etc .. Naming characters takes advantages of reader prejudices and helps establish characters. It also gives some variation from s/he verb constructs which makes for a more pleasant read.

“Continue teasing” is used twice within 20 words which is a little too repetitive

“too philosophical for our age” No ages were given. At first I though “she” might be an older woman, he seems to treat her so, but this line simply makes me think that “he” sees “her” as more worldly and wise.

“softly,” “properly,” “gently” Cut back on adverb reliance. It’s okay in dialog, but, in narration, its a cue for rewrite and re-imagining the sentence.

The wind started blowing – in the past tense, the wind blew. When wind speed is important, escalate. Breeze, blow, wind, gust, gale any variants along the meteorological continuum. In this piece, level isn’t important. A better technique is to show the winds effects rather than mention the wind, itself.

“as though reliving the moment again” Again is containted in “re” as in relive. In narration economize word usage.

In the paragraph starting with “The wind” Point of view problems became apparent. It seemed to switch between “him” and “her”. POV hopping in a short piece can distract readers which is why short stories tend to be written in Third Person Limited TPL and not Third Person Omniscient. Limited POV helps readers see things from a, and only one, character’s POV. Also Google DeepPOV.

“Felt” is symptomatic of narration filtering characters’ emotions. It is much better to show emotions. You actually do some of this, so try eliminating all filtering.

Posted 6 Years Ago

I found this story through the new discover feature.

This is an interesting vignette with two characters.  We learn about the characters spiritual (lay version of philosophical)  beliefs through a brief conversation which seems to take place outside (wind and stars).  I imagine a meadow.

The topic is moments of clarity, where people gain insight, meaning, in flashes.  They feel more alive and “in the moment” than they do when they employ a more reasoned approach to life.  My friends at Starbucks and I oft discuss this and one thing we all agree on is that whatever this phenomenon is, it’s impossible to describe in words.  This pieces approach, that you are more “alive,” rings true.

There is not much of a story here.  Stories introduce conflict, plot around for a while and somehow resolve the conflict.  There is no real conflict here, though there are hints of some.  This is a tentative, intimate conversation which has tinges of young love, but there isn’t any real romance or even amorous affection in this piece.  There is the male characters desire to know more about being “alive,” but it’s more a desire to share the experience in some way.  Still the female character’s reluctance to talk about her experiences sorta provides some conflict.  Without much story, we are left with a cute vignette which tempts us to read further and teases us along without revealing very much.

I have a few notes.

He/she versus character names:  In short fiction, character names help give readers character impressions.  James vs Clyde versus Vic etc ..  Naming characters takes advantages of reader prejudices and helps establish characters.  It also gives some variation from s/he verb constructs which makes for a more pleasant read.

“Continue teasing” is used twice within 20 words which is a little too repetitive

“too philosophical for our age”  No ages were given.  At first I though “she” might be an older woman, he seems to treat her so, but this line simply makes me think that “he” sees “her” as more worldly and wise.

“softly,” “properly,” “gently” Cut back on adverb reliance.  It’s okay in dialog, but, in narration, its a cue for rewrite and re-imagining the sentence.

The wind started blowing  – in the past tense, the wind blew.  When wind speed is important, escalate.  Breeze, blow, wind, gust, gale any variants along the meteorological continuum.  In this piece, level isn’t important.  A better technique is to show the winds effects rather than mention the wind, itself.

“as though reliving the moment again”  Again is containted in “re” as in relive.  In narration economize word usage.

In the paragraph starting with “The wind” Point of view problems became apparent.  It seemed to switch between “him” and “her”.  POV hopping in a short piece can distract readers which is why short stories tend to be written in Third Person Limited TPL and not Third Person Omniscient.  Limited POV helps readers see things from a, and only one, character’s POV.  Also Google DeepPOV.

“Felt” is symptomatic of narration filtering characters’ emotions.  It is much better to show emotions.  You actually do some of this, so try eliminating all filtering.

Rating /100

6 Years Ago

You spent a lot of time thinking about this. I couldn't appreciate it more. Thanks for the review. <.. read more

Soumya Deouskar

I'm tired of telling you about your amazing language, but it is so, so, so wonderful!
And of course, the story, how beautiful it is!
When I read this story, I felt alive too.❤️