Ghostly Reasons

Why do ghosts hang around? Do we really know? When a realtor is given the task of selling a house he may just find out one reason.

Word count 989   @VictoriaKaer

It hadn’t been a dare that led him here, not a prank, either. He wasn’t a stupid teen looking for a cheap thrill. Nothing of the sort. Still, he stood in the semidarkness of the long abandoned mansion, staring around as if he could peer into the shadowed corners and see what might lurk there, waiting to jump at him.

He gave a shake of his head at his foolishness, for thinking that there might actually be something left lurking about the place. “Idiot,” he muttered and moved across the dusty, open foyer. A quick sweep of his deep brown eyes around the empty space, told of the once grand elegance of the place. Now, it was simply, dust, cobwebs, and broken shabbiness.

It was going to take someone with deep pockets and a lot of time on their hands to fix this place up. It wouldn’t be him; he thought with a grin, he was simply the realtor given the task of trying to sell the place. None of his coworkers had wanted the listing. He hadn’t bothered to wonder why, simply accepted the listing and the challenge it represented with a great deal of glee.

 He stopped before the grand, slightly curving staircase, tilting his head to look up. A set of black lighted candelabras topped the newel posts at the bottom of the staircase. The entire place stunned him, if he wasn’t mistaken it was mostly black and white marble, and it was still in fairly decent condition beneath the layers of dust and filth. It had once been very grand and elegant.

Placing a foot on the bottom step, he grasped the white iron scrollwork rail and froze as a burst of cold wind rushed down past him. Halfway up the stairs, an apparition appeared before him. It wasn’t wispy, or floating, not smoke-like, nothing ghost-like about it at all. Yet, he knew it wasn’t real. There had been no one there a moment before.

Reaching up he brushed back the lock of dark hair that had fallen in his eyes when the wind had swept down the stairs. And, ever the polite and helpful realtor that he was he spoke to the ghost, “Can I help you?”

The man cocked his head slightly to the side, placed a hand on the rail, and frowned. The suit he wore was a deep gray, and certainly not of this era. His hair was nearly white-blond and graying at the temples, with eyes a very pale blue and he was slightly built beneath that suit. Shaking his head just barely, he finally smiled only just before he nodded. “You’ll do just fine. You have the respect needed for the place.”

Before he could ask a single question of the man, he vanished.

A frown creased his brow and he called out several times. However, the apparition didn’t return. Feeling utterly foolish, he finished poking around the house, and took a few pictures. He encountered no more visions and decided it had been a hallucination brought on by hunger, since he’d skipped both breakfast and lunch today.

He locked up the house, left, and went back to the real-estate office. Intent on getting the listing up before heading home for the night.

Several weeks passed with not even a nibble, it wasn’t an easy place to sell. It had been on the market for an extended period several times before with no success. Several people insisted there was something not right about the place. It felt eerie inside.

It took him nearly a year to sell the place and it wasn’t until the sale was final that several of his fellow realtors in the office, while congratulating him, explained why no one else had wanted the listing.

“The place has been on and off the market for years. It went up for the first time in the 50s. The owner died in the place, fell down the stairs or something, rumor was he was murdered. Place creeps everyone out. Everyone who tries to sell it says the old guy won’t let them in the place, he thinks they won’t treat it right or something.” This was followed by a shrug.

After listening to several of his coworkers tell similar stories, he packed up his things and left the office, heading straight to the old mansion. He let himself in, walked over to the staircase, and stepped up on to the bottom step.

The immediate gust of wind swept over him and the man appeared on the staircase, smiling at him. He smiled and inclined his head to the owner of the house. “Thank you for trusting me to take care of the place. I’m honored.”

The man smiled again, his head swiveled about as he looked around the foyer"as if for the final time"until his gaze once more came to land on the man standing on the bottom step. “It’s in good hands now. Thank you, William.” He vanished without another word.

Carefully, he stepped down off the stairs, briefly he wondered if the man had always known his name or learned it through the many people he’d brought to see the house. When he left, he locked the front door, securing the house. As he pulled away, he wondered if the old man had stood watch over his home all these years simply waiting for the right owner to come along and take over where he had left off. He gave his head a shake and laughed. Who knew that a ghost could be that obsessive about his home? It appeared as if the man hadn’t been stuck here because he’d died a tragic death, not at all. Perhaps all those ghost hunters on TV needed to do a bit more digging before they jumped to conclusions about why spirits did what they did.

Ghosts stuck around for all sorts of reasons it would seem.

Reviews

[Chris]

"...market for an extended periods several times before with no..." - lose the an OR the "s" on periods.
"...the foyer"as if for the final time"until his..." ?

A soft spoken short story.

[Victoria Kaer]

Thanks for picking that out, that was a typo I changed the sentence and I guess I forgot the s on the end of periods.

[Chris]

Life happens to us all - it's called being human. Sometime a writer WANTS mistakes - they can fit the stroy and add a realness to place and dialogue. The trick is understanding what you feel needs being said as well as HOW it needs to be said and heard.

[Victoria Kaer]

So very true.

[Chris]

You are having fun... and THAT matters too.

[Victoria Kaer]

Again, true

[Sami Khalil]

A very good story. Haunting, descriptive in detail and raising good questions on apparitions. You have a way with events...Bravo.................

[Victoria Kaer]

Thank you very much

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:).......................

[WestWriter]

One of the first things I notice about the story is the use of contrast to delineate the narrator, lending a great deal of depth to that particular character. On the other hand, the use of commas where none are needed did throw the pace off a bit. For example:

"A quick sweep of his deep brown eyes around the empty space, told of the once grand elegance of the place." In this sentence, the use of a comma after "...empty space..." is grammatically incorrect. This is a relatively minor mistake that can be easily corrected, and therefore should most definitely should be before submitting work to an editor/agent/publisher. The reason I bring it up, though, is to remind the author that a well placed comma (even if it's grammatically incorrect) can help to pace a sentence, adding a dramatic pause that the reader would not otherwise experience. Breaking the rules is okay, sometimes even great, but this must be done carefully and purposefully. The sentence that immediate follows is another example of how commas can interrupt the pace, slowing the reader and possibly causing disinterest. "Now, it was simply, dust, cobwebs, and broken shabbiness."

One thing that would make this good story great is to seek and destroy the word it. There are times when using the word it is permissible, specifically when the reader is certain what it stands for. However, any writing will suffer from too much vagueness. For example:

"It was going to take someone with deep pockets and a lot of time on their hands to fix this place up. It wouldn’t be him; he thought with a grin, he was simply the realtor given the task of trying to sell the place. None of his coworkers had wanted the listing. He hadn’t bothered to wonder why, simply accepted the listing and the challenge it represented with a great deal of glee."

The paragraph above begins with the word it. This is a problem because there is no indication in a sentence prior of what the elusive word it refers to. You could replace the word it in the above paragraph in many ways, but I'll give you a quick example of how I'd do it.

Fixing this place up would take someone with deep pockets and a lot of time on their hands. Won't be me, he thought with a grin. He was simply the realtor given the task of trying to sell the place. None of his coworkers had wanted the listing. He hadn't bothered to find out why. William simply accepted the listing, and the challenge of actually selling the property, with a great deal of glee.

Notice, too, that his internal thought is expressed as first person present tense. Thoughts and dialogues should be expressed as such. Also, since it's a thought, an incomplete sentence (though grammatically incorrect) works better than a technically correct sentence because that's how people think.

One last thing, the narrator's name is introduced late in the piece. Because this piece is written from third person perspective, and I can see no reason why his name isn't mentioned previously, the entire piece should be peppered with his name. I recommend using William to replace the word he once, but no more, in each paragraph.

I enjoyed reading Ghostly Reasons, especially for the author's unique idea, and chose this story as 3rd runner up in my Flash Fiction Writing Contest 3. Congratulations, Victoria Kaer!

[Victoria Kaer]

Commas annoy the hell out of me. Especially because I will not want them in a spot and then stupid Word starts underlining stuff and I think I made a mistake so I put them in. Which usually ends in things like you're telling me, so I end up pulling my hair out.

Yeah, that's another thing I hate about Word when it starts telling you "fragment sentence" I'm all but I want it worded that way it sounds best and that's how people talk! But then I don't want anyone yelling at me for improper grammar, so again lots of hair pulling about whether I leave it or fix it.

I left his name out on purpose, everything was his thoughts from his POV and really no one was speaking to him, save for the ghost. So no one said his name until the last bit. Sort of a mystery thing I suppose, I didn't want you to know until the end.

Thanks so much for the review. I think I'll start seriously ignoring Word's suggestions more often from now on, lol. Thank you, as well, for placing me, even with the errors :) I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

[WestWriter]

You're welcome, and thanks again for participating!

[Victoria Kaer]

It was fun to do. I don't often do flash fiction because I get too OCD about editing things. I really enjoyed the challenge it was a lot of fun.