Chapter 2 (Rewrite)

Jade and Erk lay low in a slum and look up a family friend.

Outsider. As long as I could remember, everyone always treated me like I didn’t belong. As open as Chyunda was to foreigners, as far as I knew I was the only kaval who lived in the human city-state.

“Did you see the look on their faces when you flew by and picked me up!” Everyone that is, except Jade, who was beaming, more excited than ever at our latest exploit. “Priceless. Their looks were priceless.” She twisted back at me, grinning ear to ear, and threw a playful hook at my shoulder.

With a blank face, I turned to her, feeling overcome with both excitement, and fear. Unable to express what I was feeling. What I always felt around her.

Tossing her head back, Jade roared a hearty laugh. Enjoying herself, she turned to walk down the shabby Underlow road, and began pulling apart her tangled braid. I stared at her from behind, hypnotized by her hips as she walked away. 

She turned back with a grin, trying to fight off giggles. “What’re you waiting for, slow poke?”

I snapped out of the daze, my cheeks twitching out a smile to match hers. “Just couldn’t help but notice how messed up your hair is!” 

Jogging to catch her pace, I followed alongside her. With the occasional playful glance between us, we exchanged a joint effort at struggling to contain laughter. You know that feeling. Like when you just can’t get that stupid-funny thing out of your head, and just the mere fact of looking at someone who joined in on the experience throws you back into that shared moment. That moment, then, is relived in the present with silly ecstasy and tenacious giggles.

Sighing, drained of laughter, I threw my arms behind my head in a deep stretch, cradling my head in crossed fingers. I stared up at the dreary Underlow ceiling, some hundred or more meters above. The intense lights of the city’s next level, shining down on us and the surrounding ghetto. Despite our glum surroundings, I still couldn’t wipe away my smile. 

“So,” I started, searching for a serious demeanour, but not quite able to undermine my childish glee. “That guy back there, Hadley.”

“Hey there, you amazing boy,” Jade chuckled, squaring up a fist with my shoulder. “We just stole some mad weapons tech. Don’t you think we should keep our minds on that for the time being?”

I pivoted my head by a fraction and let out a single belch of laughter. “Seriously?” I grinned, looking ahead into the urban ruin that stretched on before us. “Cops won’t be tailing us. NaiTech doesn’t have a weapons research license, as you know. They shouldn’t be developing that kinda tech. But,” I trailed off, pausing to concentrate on appearing at least semi-serious, “even if the City Guard were after us, they’d never come to the Underlow.”

“Hah, really?” Jade responded with a playful smile, tilting her head so that her long hair flopped over her shoulder. “NaiTech will have a goon squad out to get us the moment we leave the Underlow.”

I shrugged, and laughed back. “Yeah. Until they realize that they’re going to lose way more money trying to chase after us.”

And so, we laughed, like a genuine couple of juvenile fools who knew just how good they were at this sort of thing. Who felt invincible. Walking down that ruined Underlow street, with its ominous steel ceiling looming overhead, and the oppressive artificial light that beamed down. Even in that most destitute of sectors, with the richest half of the city living high above, we didn’t have a genuine worry in the world.

Well, that was almost true.

Beforelong, I found myself caught in a trance. Watching Jade again with an intent gaze. Tilting her head, and straightening out her long green hair. Tell her how you feel, that voice inside my head pounded against my skull. That voice, that wanted her to be his girl. More than anything, that voice wanted me to hold her, and tell her I would keep her safe forever, and be together forever.

But how could I?

“Hey kiddo.” Jade broke the not-so-long silence. “Lookin pretty serious. Whatcha thinkin about?”

How could I really tell her how I felt. “Oh y’know.” How could I tell her, the girl who was three years older than me, and saw me as a little brother. “Just thinking…” I looked at her, with a blank face, lost in consideration, the tip of my tongue sticking out at a fraction as I grew more anxious. Come on Erk! Kavalli age faster than humans! In another year you’ll be grown up at seventeen and way taller than her. Besides, you know she cares about you. “I did most of the work on that last one, so I think I should get a bigger cut.”

She threw her head back with another hearty laugh, occupying herself for the next minute or so. “Job’s not over yet,” she said with a sigh, holding up one hand flat in the air, signifying that she would continue talking once she caught her breath. She rummaged in her jacket’s front pocket, pulled a copy card out, and held it between us. “Still gotta get paid, and you know, getting paid is more my thing than yours.”

“Fair,” I said bluntly, and looked away. “Things like that make me wish I were human.”

“Hey!” She blurted, grabbing me by both shoulders and turning me around. I looked away, but I could feel the intensity of her green eyes, staring at me with a force that beforelong compelled me to look her back in the eyes. “Don’t say such things.” She pulled me in for a heartfelt hug, rocking and hushing me. My muscles melted, and my heart sprang into my throat. “You’re my little guy, my little kaval.”

I stood there, without saying a word, and let her pull my head in to rest on her shoulder. It felt so nice, that it almost made me want to cry. That desire stung at me; a sense of self-pity that I couldn’t have this the way that I wanted it. Don’t I deserve more?

“Don’t ever change Erk. Just be my little kaval brother forever.”

There was nothing else I could say.

We continued on through the Underlow for some time after, making our way through the outer Scraps. We remained quiet for a little while, but it didn’t take much time to regain our exchange of witty banter, even amongst the dilapidated ruins of the old city. Nearing the Underlow centre, whole blocks of collapsed skyscrapers dominated our surroundings. Inspecting the savaged structures as we walked by, soon refinished building skeletons cropped up as squatter shanty towns.

The dregs of the city were out en masse, willing me to crack my knuckles. It was a response to a surge of whatever male kaval hormone made me yearn to fight. A couple of times we were approached as we walked in the darkness of that poorly lit urban graveyard. Gangs of tricone addicts, looking for an easy mark to mug. But, on approaching, they would turn tail at the sight of  ‘that girl with the green hair, and her mutt’, saying as much, and more as they spun on their heels to save themselves a beating.

“Pity,” I drawled in a sarcastic tone. “Been itching for a fight since that goon outside of Kringle’s.”

“Oh really?” Jade spoke, raising her voice to a playful pitch. “Sounds like you think you’re a real kavalli hunter, you talk like one… but, you don’t really talk like one.”

The distraction from the promise of violence brought heat rushing to my temples. She really was the sweetest, sometimes. “I’ll have you know young lady Spence,” I cleared my throat, “I-rrrr, really is-rrrr-a big st-rrrr-ong  kavalli hunter-rrrr.” 

I heaved an exhale, clamping a hand on each knee, keeled over at the forced attempt to mimic my people’s accent. After a few deep breaths, I turned my head up to Jade, and locking eyes we burst out laughing, for the nth time that night.

“H-h-hey, Erk,” Jade struggled to speak over tears. “Tech den is up ahead.” She pointed halfway down the ruined street, at a replast-building, with two security thugs standing outside. She lifted her arm and held out her mobi-comm, zooming in on the two. “Finnic and Dren, stay sharp.” She tilted her head to me by degrees, and pinched a half smile. “But not too sharp.”

“Yeah-yeah,” I waved her off, stomping up to the front door. “Hey, what’s up guys?”

The man on the left -- the younger Finnic -- a totally suped up tech junkie with an addiction to Zalen-X and big guns, tightened the grip on his second fetish. It was a Longarm pulse rifle with a muzzle that looked to have been polished more times than it’d been fired. “Aren’t you a little young to be here?” Finnic started, glaring me down behind the orange data-visor of his helmet. “And at this hour, ain’t it past your bed-time?” He spat as if to punctuate the statement, the glob thudding audibly into cracked pavement.

I shrugged, delighting in the challenge. “Hey,” I said. “I’m kaval. Alcohol doesn’t affect us. And besides, we’re nocturnal. We hunt in the night, and I’m real hungry.” 

I leaned up toward Finnic, who topped me by a full foot. Making a gesture of bravado with squared shoulders, I slanted my eyes and grinned wide to reveal my fangs. But, he took it in stride, hiding with a confident smirk behind layers of heavy armor, painted in brown army camo-fatigues -- most certainly it was a suit that he lifted at the end of his mandatory military service.

The second man cleared his throat. It was the more calm and cool-headed Dren. After a few more seconds of tension, Finnic and I dropped the hard stares with smiles, and exchanged fist-bumps.

“Guess you’re good enough for the big man.” Finnic gestured back to Dren with a backward thumb -- the truth is, they were both big men. 

Finnic was a tall and athletic pretty-boy. Whereas Dren, similarly donning lifted armor, was of average height and rugged. But where Finnic was shaped like a V, Dren was wide-shouldered and stout. Dren, in fact, was built like a man who took steroid-injected synth-meat, and washed it down with a dose of kaval-growth-hormone for his first meal each day. If you took all the muscle of a full grown alpha kaval, and compressed it into a middle-aged human, you’d get something like Dren.

“Toodle-oo, boys,” Jade blew them a kiss and winked, wiggling her butt as she strutted through the first doorway, and into the foyer corridor.

Following behind at a trot, my ears curled back with reflexive discomfort at the droning bass music being filtered through the heavy, and not-really soundproof doors at the end of the hall. I winced at the promise of too-loud-for-kaval-ears music, before clearing my throat to get Jade’s attention. 

“You know they’re a couple, right?”

She tilted her head back with a bashful giggle. “That’s precisely why I would talk to them like that,” she flaunted that smart, know-it-all conviction she had.

“Oh,” I began, as we slowed to a halt in front of the next door. “So, the young tomboy, Jade Spence, grows up to be the Academy’s top student,” I eyed her up, cocking my eyebrows with an exaggerated motion, lining up for the sarcasm, “and, she grows into a figure of absolute feminine beauty to boot. And now she only flirts with a couple of gay dudes in the Underlow?”

“Thanks for calling me beautiful.” She punched me in the shoulder. Holding a mischievous smile, she then leaned on the door handle with not quite enough weight to push it open. “Cover your ears handsome, and maybe you’ll keep your cool long enough to meet a nice boy of your own.” And with that, she leaned into the door, and my ears were assaulted by the onslaught of heavy music.

I cringed at the pain caused by the wall of sound, trying to adjust to the change in decibels, and walked forward despite my eardrums being about ready to pop. “I’m not gay!” I yelled as I walked through the portal to a smoke-filled room. Great, that’s the worst thing for your dream girl to think about you. It means you have no chance. I sighed. Don’t be stupid Erk. She knows you’re not gay. She’s teasing you. I looked at her devious grin, trying to fight back that look of visceral pain that must have been marking my face. Adjust to the f*****g sound. At the internal argument, my ears perked up. “Not fair!” I yelled over the music. “You know loud music throws me off!”

“No more playing,” she yelled back, despite that she kept wearing that endearing smile that said, on the contrary, I want to keep playing. She leaned close to me, and waved the copy card between us. “Let’s find our fixer and make the trade!”

I nodded an affirmative, and looked beyond the crowd of mixed clientele. The den was thick with people discussing tech -- of the likely illegal variety. Scanning across the virt heads, tech lords, and junkies, I strained to make out the top of a bobbing leather skull cap cutting through the crowd. 

“There.” I pointed out the unusual headpiece, so that Jade could see.

The wearer of the skullcap pushed his way between two arm-talking tech junkies. With a weathered face, looking to be in his mid-sixties, he glanced between us with eyes that were concealed by shaded goggles. He shook both of our hands, maintaining a generally grim demeanor that I wasn’t sure what to make of. Jerking his line of sight back and forth between the two of us, several times, a stringy ponytail flicked around with each jerky movement. 

“Well?” He held out his hand to Jade.

“Oh right.” She slapped the copy card down on his palm.

The man pulled his goggles back over his head, revealing grey eyes. He leaned in to get a closer look, inspecting the card with a dreary stare. “Alright.” He then nodded, and gave the card back, before lifting his chin up at Jade, and forcing a hug on her. “Good to see you round these parts young’un.” And patted her on the back as they withdrew from the hug.

“And you!” He turned to me with an endearing grin, like the sort that sweet old people often gave to youths. “Young cub! You datin’ this lovely lady yet?”

“Pete!” Jade chimed in. “He’s practically my brother!”

“Practically, but not...” Pete waved his finger in Jade’s face, who in turn recoiled with crossed arms and a pout. Then turning back to me, continued. “Lotta common ground there!”

“Yuck,” Jade turned her head to the side with a coy smirk.

“Alright then.” Pete stood straight, as if at attention to a commander -- I’m sure he hadn’t skipped out on his mandatory military service when he was young. It was common with folks from the Underlow, since the government had no presence here, and law enforcement could never get a foothold. But, Pete always seemed to have these ticks, such as salutes, that suggested he’d spent a good deal more time than what was expected of good Chyundan citizens. Ticks that said it was an essential part of his identity. “Let’s introduce you two to the buyer. He’s at the bar.” Pete turned on his heels and began cutting back through the crowd, Jade and I in tow.

We approached a plain looking man; caucasoid, chubby, nondescript brown hair and blue eyes, wearing an unlabeled white tee, blue nudenims, and black work boots. He was hunched over a series of projected monitors, and typing away erratically at his mobi’s holo-keyboard. His demeanor was rather dishevelled looking, and I assumed he was given a wide berth by the den’s patrons, as there were several empty chairs beside him at the bar.

“BD!” Pete called to the man, who flinched at the greeting. Turning then to the bartender, Pete waved. “Four house lagers. One for me, and each of my friends here.”

The bartender held up a payment receiver, and Pete flashed his credit with a quick palm gesture. The bartender turned away to prepare the drinks, and Pete continued with the man he called BD.

“BD, this is Jade, and this is Erk,” he offered, gesturing to both of us.

“Yeah,” the man snickered, unimpressed. “Everyone knows who those two are. Virgil Spence’s little girl, and kaval cub.”

“Hey!” I barked. “You wanna tone down the snide remarks? Everyone knows us for a reason, and it ain’t Virgil Spence.” I clenched my fists, and Jade shot me a disapproving glare.

“That’s true,” BD spun around in his bar stool to stare down Jade with his intense blue eyes -- a move which made me clench my jaw, feeling even more riled up. “Virgil Spence’s celebrated daughter, and,” he paused while he swiveled his gaze to me, “his equally impressive kaval protege.”

“Look,” Jade interjected. “We got your data. But the price is going up.”

“Pretty ballsy.” He darted his eyes to Jade. “How do you figure the price is going up?”

“Well, you were gonna pay four hundred creds, but we have it on good authority that NaiTech is locking down the only other copy of this tech.” Jade held the copy card out once more in the centre of her gloved palm.

“Supply and demand.” BD turned back around and continued clacking away at the keys of his expanded displays. “How much more?”

“Well, there’s no supplier other than us, and also I’d say we should factor in hazard pay for what we had to go through to get this chip.”

“Of course, so how about double the asking price?”

“Double?” Jade chortled, holding her belly. “Try two thousand.”

“One thousand. Final offer.”

“I’ll go as low as sixteen hundred,” Jade continued to haggle. “If you don’t take that, I’ll just sell it to a tech lord.

“An effin’ tech lord?” BD spat the words out. “Okay okay. One point five thou.””

“Fifteen fifty.”

The bartender interrupted the transaction. Slamming the beers down with two mugs in each hand.

“Fifteen fifty,” BD grabbed one of the mugs. “Fifteen fifty. Fine.”

“Great.” Jade leaned in for a mug of her own, holding it in BD’s personal space for cheers. As if that were the agreed upon, most sacred of legally binding motions, signifying a deal has been made that can’t be backed out of.

BD looked at her, with hesitation, before clinking his mug to hers.

“One more thing,” Jade said as she pulled the mug away, and glanced at me with a wink.

What are you doing Jade? I mouthed to her. She responded with a simple upheld palm-hush. I turned instead to Pete, who shrugged and frowned.

“What else?” BD spun around, flushing red with a loss of patience.

“You have to tell me what BD stands for.”

“For the love of the Centaur, girl.” He sighed, and threw back a long gulp of the beer before him. “Big Dan.”

“Dan?” she asked.

“No,” he stabbed back. “Specifically, Big Dan. I don’t go by Dan. I know it’s stupid, so just call me BD like everyone else.”

“Huh,” I finally butted my way into the exchange. Both of them looked back at me with cocked brows, as if I were some misplaced child, interrupting the big person talk. “Do I have to drink that?” I pointed at the beer.

“Hey!” Pete interrupted. “It doesn’t affect you!”

“Besides, it’s a tech den tradition, right?” BD seemed to joke, in what I was guessing was uncharacteristic for him, considering how dry it was.

“Eh, the smell burns my nose.” I pointed at the moist tip of my quivering snout, as if it were twitching at just the awareness of alcohol. Regardless, I grabbed the mug, and Jade exchanged a concerned look with me.

“Just a sip,” she spoke her mind, looking out for me. “That’ll be good enough.”

After the others finished their beer, and we finalized the exchange, BD got up to leave. Minimizing his displays in haste, returning each projection to his mobi, he stepped aside and insisted he had to go back to Midway to start work on the copy.

As for Pete, we discussed handing him his cut for setting us up with BD. However, he pushed the offer off, saying, “I won’t take any payment. Not considering Jade over here is the progeny of grand-dad Spence’s little Virgil.” We tried to insist, but he refused, in that way old people are so good at refusing money from their family. He wasn’t technically family, though, we were the closest thing he had, I suppose, to grand-children of his own. Jade’s grandfather was in fact Pete’s best friend. “Be seeing you around kids,” he remarked, hugging us both as he left.

Relieved to have the night behind us, I turned to Jade. “What now?”

A shoulder nudged between us before Jade could answer. “How about another job?” An electronically filtered male voice cut in.

Jade and I spun around in our stools, surprised to be approached directly by someone looking for services such as ours. The man was extremely tall and lanky. Over six and a half feet, in fact. Otherwise, his features were totally obscured in a black cloak, a black stealth gi, and the most drawing of all, a fully enclosed black combat helmet with green lensed eye-slits, and a voice filtering apparatus over the mouthpiece.

“There are lots of bounty hunters, mercs, and whatever else you need around here, pal.” Jade made a scooting motion, sweeping her hand out toward the centre of the den, and swivelled back around in her seat.

But I kept looking at him. Curious about his offer.

“What’s the job?” I asked.

“Two thousand credits to whoever can get me this artifact.” The man leaned closer, propping his foot up on the leg rest of the stool next to me.

“Artifact?” Jade butt in, obviously intrigued about the high offer.

Looking around the near vicinity, I noticed others eavesdropping at the mention of a two thousand cred job. Turning my attention back to Jade, I caught a glance of the bartender, also leaning in with a hungry stare. I stared, then, intense toward Jade, hoping that she’d take notice that people were listening. However, she didn’t seem to have been caught off guard at the mention of a hefty payment.

“Yes, the two of you might be able to pull it off.” He stopped talking again. I wasn’t sure if it was for effect, or if he was waiting for us to follow up. After an uncomfortable wait, enough time that many other patrons had gathered, he cleared his throat through the filter and continued. “This artifact is in the Rat’s Nest.”

“Okay, but.” Jade’s eyes practically aglow with interest, her curiosity piqued. “Where is the Rat’s Nest, and what is the artifact.”

“The Rat’s Nest, is--”

A rumbling sound shot through the building, and the entire room turned to the direction of the source. At the other end of the den, the front doors flew forward, blown straight off of their hinges. Three well armed goons filed in, all wearing maroon-tanned trench coats and cradling military grade firearms of one sort or another. One lifted his firearm, pointing it at the sound system, firing a single concussive round that smashed the sound system with a hypersonic soundwave. The music droned to an abrupt stop. 

Behind the goons, one more man walked through the door. He was tall, with exaggerated musculature. The fourth man stepped up behind the other three, wearing a similar leather trench. Arms crossed, he scanned the room in a panoramic head swivel. 

My temples grew hot, and my neck tightened. The fourth man, was Hadley. The thug from Kringle’s.

“Hey!” Hadley yelled out in a deep monotone. “You can all return to whatever you were doing.” He pulled a massive Longarm revolver out from a hidden holster in his coat. “That is, you can all go back to your business, as soon as we find Jade Spence, and Erk the kaval.”

As if choreographed, the den’s populace turned their heads in our direction.

Jade and I exchanged looks, smiling at one another. We recognized, in unspoken agreement, that we were about to begin the next story in our saga, The Adventures of Jade and Erk.

Author's Note

Needs editing, and eyes for clumsy or boring parts.

Reviews

[Wathanya.5KY3]

Alright, I'm back!

Overall, the suspense is more intense towards the end of the chapter. I liked that.
Negotiation. Wit battling. Fighting among siblings. I loved all of that.
I wasn't expecting Hadley to reveal himself so quickly, but there he is, not forgetting his goons.

This chapter definitely explores Jade and Erk's relationship and also the physiology (?) of Kavallis a little more.

This is a good way to reveal information to your readers: "I shook my head and curled my nose, before pushing the glass away. 'It doesn’t affect me anyway... I just can’t stand the smell of that stuff.' " Also, this "To humans, in this light setting, he would likely appear like a black blob. To me, he looked as if ready to mug someone in a dark alley." So, keep up the good work!

Technical stuff:

1. The farther end of the structure had been refabricated by squatters, so there was now a two storey building built inside the remains of the corner structure - usually old building frames like this would be strung up with refabs until all the old structure was repurposed into a new mixed commercial and residential block town - this one was still a bit far from other settlements though.

- two storey => two-storey
- this is a really long sentence with a lot to take in. It'd be a good idea to break it down a bit

2. For the most part law enforcement left people in Underlow alone - too risky to mount significant stings, and very little long term positive impact for past successes.

- comma after "For the most part"
- unnecessary comma after "significant stings"

3. Though it looked thrown together haphazard thought, the armor would be fully outfitted with kinetic dampeners, nanite microsystems and whatever other mods would have been patched in to protect the tech lords, merchants and smugglers within.

- the last part is missing an Oxford comma, so: "...tech lords, merchants, and smugglers..."
- the last word, "within," makes it sound like the tech lords, merchants, and smugglers are inside the subject of this sentence, "armor"

4. “Erk and Jade!” A crackling voice cut through the music, and a scrawny figure butt between Jay and I, putting one arm over my shoulder.

- why does Erk call Jade Jay in here? Is it simply a typo?

5. Pete spoke up “Mr. Dan, these are my friends, young Jade and Erl. They are keen to inquire about your talents.”

- comma after "Pete spoke up"
- Erk's name was misspelled here

6. “But is it software compa-“

- the quotation marks are turning the wrong way

7. In fact his entire garb was black. A black cloak. Black vest. Black trousers. Black arm and leg wraps. Black gloves. Black boots. Black mask.

- comma after "In fact"
- Stylistic: "a black cloak" stands out with its "A"

8. “Jade-“ I interrupted.

- the quotation marks are turning the wrong way in this sentence as well

9. “Let’s just figure this out-“

- this too

10. The intervention was quickly put down with a jab and uppercut, dropping the rugged man to the ground where he would be kicked twice in the ribs.

- Stylistic(-ish?): "would be" makes it sound like it's happening in the future

11. Everyone simultaneously looked to the corner at us.

- Stylistic: "simultaneously" is unnecessary because it was already implied in the context

12. I nodded at her, and she nodded back.

- Stylistic: this is more telling than showing, which isn't the best way to end a chapter, but it is not grammatically wrong or anything like that

-------------------

Other observations:

"We walked casually for some time before getting deeper into the ruins of the old city the slum was built into. The familiar skeletal remains of a building came into sight; all that was left were various steel reinforcements and graphene rebar up two to four storeys in some spots. It was once a skyscraper, but had long since been decommissioned, torn apart to the bare bones and severed to make room for the first level of the upper city, which loomed like a metallic sky several storeys yet higher. The farther end of the structure had been refabricated by squatters, so there was now a two storey building built inside the remains of the corner structure - usually old building frames like this would be strung up with refabs until all the old structure was repurposed into a new mixed commercial and residential block town - this one was still a bit far from other settlements though. It would be some time before more refab units were built to neighbor it, and then built again on higher levels. Squatters with gang backing had turned it into an illegal tech den, and disguised it as a rough saloon type of operation. In practice, it was totally a rough saloon type of operation, and tech of both the legal and illegal kinds were out in the open without a care for city guard or peacekeepers. For the most part law enforcement left people in Underlow alone - too risky to mount significant stings, and very little long term positive impact for past successes. Even much of Quarry Town remained mostly out of the view of government enforcement; but city guard at the very least kept up with the rounds just off Edge street, at the border of the Underlow. Their thought process must have been that they should at least keep up with the appearance of being law enforcement."

On top of being quite a wall of text, this paragraph (with the exception of the first sentence and part of the second) doesn't seem to move the story forward or be relevant to the plot at the moment. I already have an idea about how this universe looks like. That combined with real-life experience also gives me an idea about how the slums of a city would look like. Is there a reason you added this part? Will these buildings be relevant at some point in the future?

When you described Hadley's appearance in the first chapter, it was because he would be one of the major characters. But Pete's appearance description felt a little distracting, perhaps because it was put right in the middle of a conversation. Dan's appearance description, on the other hand, didn't feel distracting at all, supporting my hypothesis in the previous sentence.

That's it for this chapter. I hope my feedback was helpful.

P.S. I will be working on my own writing, so it'll be a while before I come back to this.

[JT Godin]

Regarding the wall of text -- there is semi-crucial information hidden in there that will be relevant in later chapters. It is too much information as well, though. I try to keep the Sanderson theory I mentioned earlier in mind when I write, because I'd often get lost in lore (like the example above) if I didn't. I value pointing that stuff out, because my own tendency is to want to get lost over-explaining every detail of this world I've thought out.

In any case, thanks again for the editing! Another revision is coming momentarily... punctuation, grammar and spelling checks are quite helpful too. I'm often writing large blocks of texts on my cell phone when inspiration hits, and editing in the moment can be difficult when my ideas are flowing much faster than the speed that I can tap on the tiny screen.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

If that paragraph has information that will be relevant in later chapters, it’s ok to keep it. Though breaking it down to smaller chapters makes it easier for readers. I totally understand the tendency to write lores and skip punctuation, especially when your brain’s firing ideas at you like a machine gun.

I’ll keep my punctuation radar on then!

[Wathanya.5KY3]

I'm only around halfway through the chapter now (right where they see two bouncers), and I have school so I'll give you input on the parts that I've read for now.

Overall, I think the small conversation between Jade and Erk reveals quite a bit about Kavalli culture. "Little Erk lost in his thoughts again" is a good line after a wall of internal monologue. Definitely a keeper. I find it interesting that the Kavallis convey and infer emotions through scent. What if someone doesn't shower, like, ever? Will that affect the smell Kavallis can detect? Will it affect how they see emotions?

Technical stuff:

1. That’s what Jade figured anyway, and that’s normally why we were able to score off of tech corps dipping into the black market.

- this sentence is in the present tense

2. I mean, Chyunda was supposed to be an all open society and accepting of foreigners, even non-humans. But I guess since our species doesn’t really ever want to take part in human society, there aren’t really that many Kavalli voices turning up to air their grievances at city council meetings. I guess other than me, there aren’t any Kavalli who fall into the human ways of doing things. At least none that I’ve ever heard of.

To be honest I usually didn’t even think about being Kavalli. Well, that’s not totally true. People staring at me or making stupid comments about my fur or pointy ears kept me hyper aware. But what I mean to say is, I didn’t feel like a Kavalli. I felt like a human.

- technical: some of the sentences here are in the present tense
- I think you meant "...hyper-aware"
- stylistic: which makes the whole paragraph sounds like Erk is talking to the reader, not himself

3. She tucked her bangs behind her ears, and brushed the last of stray strands with her fingers and back into near perfect straightness.

- there shouldn't be a comma after "...her ears"
- in the "...brushed the last of stray strands with her fingers..." part, the "...with her fingers..." is not necessary since she's brushing her hair the traditional way (not with special equipment)
- I think you meant "...near-perfect straightness."

4. Her heavy grey carbon-print hooded vest pulled over a form fitting black plastifab shirt, cuffed abruptly just past the elbow and unzipped from a short collar low enough to betray a want to display cleavage.

- I'm not sure what the last part means. Does Jade want to display cleavage here? Does Erk want to see cleavage but was "betrayed"? If the latter is the case, that wasn't made clear.

5. Her glance morphed into mild irritation.

- stylistic: [an action] morphed into [an emotion]

6. I held open my arms and grinned with excitement, imitating the presentation of a ring leader or fight announcer.

- stylistic: "the presentation" isn't necessary since that's what naturally pops into mind when you see "ring leader or fight announcer"

7. I shrugged and feigned the sort of serious expression one made with single raised eyebrow and finger on chin,

- stylistic: this sounds more like telling than showing, especially the "feigned the sort of serious expression" part

8. Jade burst out laughing.

- this sentence is in the present tense

9. Whoever decided to build the city up into the side of the Quarry Valley probably had great visions for Chyunda, and I don’t imagine they realized the slum it would end up creating below in the process. Seemed like a pretty Chyundan quality to be honest. Big dreams about bettering the world and the future of its people; becoming a shining beacon for every inhabitant of Centaurus, and then ignore the fact that most people wouldn’t want to leave their homes to join in the vision. I don’t know if that’s how it actually went down, but the fact that Underlow existed at all made me think it probably did. Fast forward a couple of hundred years, and that literal bottom feeding society is now a diverse landscape of the forgotten, and the home of violent gangs of enforcers, drug kingpins and tech lords. Anyone who tries to infringe on their territory better come packing - or prove themselves, which it just so happened Jade and I had already long since done.

- stylistic: this sounds like he's talking to the readers as well

---------"As long as NaiTech wasn’t foolish enough to follow us, we were safe in the Underlow," is where I'm stopping today.

Other observations:

As pointed out above, there were a few places where it sounds like Erk talks to the reader instead of himself, so it might be good to think about how the story is being told:

- Are we living in the moment with them? If so, finding a way to separate internal monologue with narration is a good idea since it'd be easier for your readers to differentiate between those two.
- Are they telling the story years later? If so, everything, except dialogue, will all be in the past tense. Internal monologues can be in the past tense, but they would be in quotation marks, led or followed by something like, "I thought," and would be kept to a minimum.

It'll be a fairly busy day for me with all my lectures, assignments, and my own writing, so it might be a while until I come back. But stay tuned!