mother

The voice in my heart is tongue tied
My minds lips slip, trip, studder over
Half formed phrases that fall flat
Cracking like egg shells, broken, emptied
Sizzling in a pan of self doubt and confusion
Fried and salted and gobbled up by ravenous frustration

 

I knew what I wanted to say to you once
But it slipped through my fingers when you transformed
From mother into murderer of innocence and hope
And I could see you only as a serpent
Wrapped tight around my soul but I
Grew around you, like oak around barbed wire
Slowly choking out the memory of your
Form, withered, scales, skin, skeleton, fossilized
Within folds of dark organic flesh
Captured between these lines, you are a prisoner in your own mind
But its me who is caged and I
Drink this ink like the poison that you carry in that sharp smile you flash at me
And that false tear you shed and that song of forgiveness you sing
Praising "God" for absolving you
Of a sin you refuse to own up to being guilty of in the first place
And  I know that the only antidote is to write to you
But the words bleed into tears, anger, dissbelief,
An almost-hatred and it

 

Rends my heart tongue tied
My minds lips slip, trip, studder over
Half formed phrases that fall flat
Cracking like egg shells, broken, emptied
Sizzling in a pan of self doubt and confusion
Fried and salted and devoured by ravenous frustration

Reviews

[Markymark]

Hi. I'm not sure if you are new or not..but regardless this piece is incredible. It flows the way a piece of gripping almost angry piece should. I take it that you and your Mom are/were not very close at one point in your life...or was this piece more abstract than I first believed. I'll have to re-read. In any case. Remarkable writing. Really.

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

this is interesting as well. it reminds me of our parasitic upper classes. those who value money more than poeple.

[Legion]

As decrepit and sad as this is, the writing and imagery within is superbly done. A positive 10 out of 10 here. Well done. A round of applause to you.

[Thomas Pynk]

This poem is extraordinary in it's style and it's grace. I adore that last stanza, and how you compare your experience to making food. All in all it is a wonderful poem.

[Eric Cox]

A well written and sad poem.

[jessfoundwonder]

this was sick when you read it.
i saw your video on your page.
man, you can talk fast. (:
but as for the work itself, i quite like it.
so descriptive it makes my teeth chatter and i can see it in my head.
cool beans.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

Reviewer Disclaimer:

First off, what I offer here is nothing more than my opinions. I'm no expert, in fact I don't even think that I ever even got an "A" in an English class. But I'll tell you what I liked and what I thought seemed a little off. I'm not trying to make myself feel important (I hate when people do that) I'm just telling you what I think. That being said, I'll go ahead and review:

I liked that you didn't make me guess about meaning. You are very clear and very graphic here. I like that. I don't want to decode a poem, I want to savor it.

I LOVED the image of barbed wire around the oak. that was inspired and absolutely spectacular.

My suggestions are these ...

Punctuation. You see since you wrote it, you hear it in your head as you know it should be; with all of the appropriate stops and pauses (line breaks do not necessarily indicate pauses or stops in poems). We readers don't know how it is supposed to sound though. We are at a disadvantage because we didn't write it. The punctuation acts as instructions on how to read it for us.

The last stanza, did you want the first word to be "Rends" which means "tears or rips" ... or did you want "Renders" which means "makes"

The image of fried food triggers something good in me and I think that you wanted to trigger something bad. Just a thought on that. Might just be my own personal preference.

Overall I think with punctuation added, this will be a very strong poem.

[Jessica]

wow this was really good and i watched your video that goes with this poem and it made me enjoy this poem even better to hear it being read the way you planned it to sound! very good job!