I Love You

Trying a happy one

Seeing eyes of green,

In fields of grey,

Being drawn amongst chaos,

Only to find complete serenity,

 

Heart conforming to rules of love,

Beating a thousand in place of one,

Only to match the fluttering of wings,

Causing mayhem in nerves,

 

Enticed by the emerald of sight,

In the empty of grey,

Finding peace in the busy of life,

Singing in the silence of grief,

 

Hands trembling, knotting together,

Mouth running on dry, finding empty,

The need to escape building upon quiet,

Finding pressure in the greeting of simple,

 

Happy but a figment of imagination,

Doubt squeezing into harrowed mind,

Twisting views to fit own conception,

Seeing naught in fields of grey,

 

Eyes shut to thought of happy,

Turning back on smile of love,

Walking away with tears falling,

Heart wrenching, cursing doubt filled mind,

 

Hand placed upon arm,

Stopping tracks, confusing mind,

Spinning around to face sad smile of lost,

Whispers of possible promises lingering,

 

Eyes open pushing doubt to dark,

Caressing face with open heart,

Pain falling away to make place for happy,

Finding serenity amongst chaos,

 

Lilting laughs spreading over,

Wiping away last remnants of doubt,

Accepting the greeting of simple,

Smiling with painless ease,

 

Mustering courage to utter first word,

Others to easily follow,

I,

Love, You.

Reviews

[Ashwin Shanker]

I liked the ideas that are presented here, it captures the essence of what being in love is all about.
What I have a problem with however, is the articulation. I am not an expert in grammar, but I found quite a few places where the sentences doesn't sound right. If a little work is put in re-working some paragraphs (actually most of them) with the help of an editor, then we can turn this into a masterpiece.
Kindly consider my suggestion and take my review constructively.

Regards

[BThomvanWart]

I would agree with Ashan, honestly. Your work has a great depth and a well developed idea that chronicles the feelings of falling in love and mustering up the courage to finally admit it to the person. But, there are some grammatical errors that prove to diminish the strength of the piece. If you edit it some more, it would develop into a very masterful piece. Keep up the good work though, WillaDavers.

All the best!
~B