Point of View

A short story about a boy and girl. Point of View change.

The fall air was cold against the skin, stinging with each new burst of wind.  Leaves crunched underneath Bright’s feet as he walked. Beside him, keeping the same measured stride was Sophie. It had been a while since either had said anything, each focused on their nameless destination. Bright looked over at her and couldn’t help but admire the way her hair fell across her shoulders; or the greenish gray eyes that always seemed to help mask her, already, enigmatic personality; or even the style of clothes she wore, a mix between hipster and hippie.  He wondered what they were doing here with one another. This had been her idea after all. Another burst of wind attacked his face as they continued to walk.

The colors of fall were in full swing now, with trees decorated in orange, brown, and gold. The grass was on the verge of dying, an unavoidable casualty that came as an unwanted constant every fall. Overhead the sky was gray, a sign that the chill in the air was here to stay and wasn’t planning on going anywhere. Up ahead, in the distance, the sound of running water filled the silence that lived in between the gusts of wind.

What was she doing? Just an hour before Sophie had known exactly what she wanted to say. She had rehearsed it in her head over, and over, and over again before calling Bright, making sure that this very thing wouldn’t happen. Shows what good that did. With him actually in front of her she was at a loss for words. Other than some introductory lines, seeing how the other had been and just getting caught up, not a word had been said. Instead they just walked. She glanced over and caught him looking at her. She knew he was expecting something, but she just continued walking, still not able to find the words. She pulled her jacket tight, as a gust of wind hit her.

In the distance a face was put to the sound of the running water, as a creek could now be made out. It wound around a hill side, and was shaded under multicolored canopies made up by the trees around it. The leaves already began to fill the creek, and soon would envelope it. The sound of the running water became louder as they inched closer; the rush of the water echoing off the hill side, making the creek seem bigger than it actually was.

Bright looked up at the vast emptiness of the sky. It had been 6 months since the last time either had had seen each other, their last encounter being one of disaster. He had made the unfortunate move of showing all of his cards, an impulse that you should never ever succumb to. After a night of restlessness he had ended up on her door step at two in the morning. He had told her everything. He had told her how whenever he was around her he had to actually stop himself from staring. He told her how even on his worst days, he could always count on her making them brighter. He told her how sometimes he would make some of the lamest excuses to see her. He told her too much. She just wasn’t looking for that. She tried to explain that she wasn’t in a place where what he wanted could be possible, but he didn’t want to hear it. He knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was her.

The creek was close now. The sound of the water echoed louder than ever. It wouldn’t be long before they would have to stop and talk, or turn around and go home. This would be the climax, something they both knew. Once they got to the creek, the truth behind this whole trip would come out.

            How had he done it? How was he able to come out and say point blank, “You’re the one I want.” How was he able to do it, when now she couldn’t work up the courage to even find the words that would put justice to what she had to say? Better question, why had she reacted the way she did when he had told her? She had wanted it too. Now that she wanted him to know her feelings, she was too afraid to let him in on the secret. There had just always been something about Bright. Maybe it was the way his Green eyes always had a sense of wonder. Or was it the way that he could turn a bad situation into a memorable event? Or maybe, even, that no matter what, he could always make her laugh. Whatever it was, it worked.

            Bright looked over at Sophie as they came to a stop at the creek bed, she looked to be lost in deep thought. “So what are we doing here, Soph?” he asked, trying to nudge the encounter along.

            She looked up at him, as if noticing for the first time that he was there. She still didn’t know what to say, so she just looked at him.

            “Is everything alright?” he wanted to know what was going on more than ever.

            “Of course everything is alright,” she didn’t want him to worry over nothing. This wasn’t that big of a deal.

            “Well then, what is all of this about? Why did you call me?”

            It was now or never, she had to make her move,” I called you for the same reason that you showed up on my doorstep the last time we talked.” She stopped and when he didn’t say anything she continued, “When you told me how you felt, I didn’t know what to say. More than that I was scared. I was scared because I felt the same way about you. I made up some lame excuse for why this wouldn’t work and I am sorry Bright.  I should have told you this 6 months ago, but I want to be with you.”

            Bright didn’t say anything.

            “Bri...” she began, but before she could finish out his name, his lips were on hers, and their arms interlocked.

            He pulled away for a moment, smiling, “I had hoped you would say that.”

 

            

Reviews

[Katie]

This is a really cute little story, looks oddly familiar to me, possibly because I wrote something similar two years ago, so I clearly can't fault you for the topic :P.
No, I think this is a cute little story, I imagined it playing out like a little clip in my head, that is always a good sign. The dialogue felt natural, and the emotions seemed realistic. That being said, try to describe the emotions more, instead of just telling us what they feel. Describe facial expressions, body language etc. Instead of talking about how the silence is awakward, you could talk about, how she's looking straight ahead, or down, refusing to look at him, her hands are clasped together, or maybe held tightly at her side. That kind of thing. It just adds a little something extra to the scene.

Overall though, its a cute, predictable little story, done pretty well. Good work

Just a few nitpicks on technicals (I'm a pain for those)

Firstly, it feels a little bit choppy, the sentences are all short and kind of clunk together. It's only a flaw in that your writing doesn't flo well because if it. Even this sentence that is rather long "Bright looked over at her and couldn’t help but admire the way her hair fell across her shoulders; or the greenish gray eyes that always seemed to help mask her, already, enigmatic personality; or even the style of clothes she wore, a mix between hipster and hippie. "
Seems choppy

"Overhead the sky was gray, a sign that the chill in the air was here to stay and wasn’t planning on going anywhere." That sentence is a little bit redundant, saying it is both here to stay, and its not planning on going anywhere.

"In the distance a face was put to the sound of the running water, as a creek could now be made out." Just the idea of face to an object feels a little strange to me. Maybe change the wording a bit there?

"He knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was her." This is one of those lines to be careful of, because while it sounds fine to be spoken, it is a little awkward to read, and is something else that breaks the flow of the story.

[Sunflower 20]

oooh, this is such a sweet story. and, before i reached the end, i knew they would kiss! its what i would have done had i been the one writing it :)
i think you could possibly reword a few sentences to make them flow better but overall, i think you achieved a change in dialogue without writing first person.
well done! :)

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

Really great story that kept my attention to the end!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very strong beginning to the story. I like the characters and the pace of the story. I wanted to read more. The description make the characters come alive and I wanted to know more. A excellent beginning. I hope to read more.
Coyote

[emmajoy]

Smoothly written with some great inferences about the individual's way of doing and saying things. Naturally put dialogue; down to earth emotions, nothing over the top - and a good ending tho i wonder if it's what she wanted ..

Here and there I noticed unnecessary words or repeats but they didn't spoil the flow of your writing, just something to look out for next time. Will read more now.

[MiaIntheSkywithDiamonds]

absolutely adorable. i really loved it :)

[Danielle Wesley]

Hi Jesse,
I really enjoyed your descriptions of nature interjected between the action and dialogue occurring between Bright and Sophie. You have a knack for describing the crisp feel of Fall. I could imagine the canopy of trees and brook bubbling before the two characters.

Your story was also incredibly relate-able; whether your reader is male or female. It was a simple telling of a conversation but you did a nice job of infusing their past into the present.

As constructive criticism goes; you may want to focus more on your grammar and sentence construction. Your writing thrives in scene description but your dialogue re-telling could be stronger. Some sentences were slightly redundant in structure. For example, the repetitive use of "he told her" flows oddly. I loved what Bright told her but you may want to re-word how you communicate that to the reader.

I'm going to take a peak at the rest of your stories as I really enjoyed this!