Island

This is the first page and a half of the rewrite of a short story I have wrote over the summer(more will be uploaded as I finish rewriting)

                We walked along the beach, hand in hand. Behind us the moon hung low in the sky providing enough natural lighting that there was no need for a flash light. The sand underneath our feet crunched as we walked to an, yet, undefined destination. Sounds of waves crashing against the shore filled the silence that we absently indulged ourselves in.

                “This seems like as good of a place as any,” breaking the silence, her sudden stop putting us in an awkward position with me a good two steps ahead, and our hands still connected.

                I turned around to face her, not breaking the connection. A smirk formed at the corner of my lips, “Couldn’t you have given me a little heads up before you stopped? Or do you like to see me look stupid?” Sweeping my arms across my body, “I think you severely underestimate what it takes to look this cool.”

                “No Hun, I understand how much it takes for you to pull it off,” a wide grin, now, spread across her face.

Getting back to the business at hand, “But you are right. There is Beach ahead of us, and beach behind us. It might as well be here.” Dropping my shoulders I let the backpack that I had been carrying for the last couple of miles slide off and onto the ground; Sand splintered at the impact. I dropped to my knees and emptied its contents. Inside were a green air mattress, its electric pump, a light cotton blanket, and a couple of thick beach towels. I hooked up the electric pump, and after making sure the air mattress was inflating got back to my feet.

“Look at you, Mr. Handyman.”

“What can I say? I try.”

“This was a good Idea, don’t ya think?” her eyes softening as she walked over to where I stood beside the blob that would soon become our bed, and wrapped her arms around me. She looked up, meeting my eyes, “Aren’t you glad I thought of it?”

“Wasn’t this my idea?”

“Your idea. My Idea. Same difference.”  She replied as she brought her face closer to mine. Before our lips could meet she pulled, making a start for the water, yelling back, “Aren’t you coming?”

                

Author's Note

I am presenting this in Creative Writing soon, and want it to be as good as possible(though what I will present is closer to 5 pages) I need good critiques on this piece. I will return the favor to anyone. Though it might be over the weekend.

Reviews

[Katie]

gah! I wote a nice long review for you and it disappeared. Here goes again:

I seem to see a recurring theme of cute little romantic stories with you :P I liked it. I think its too short to say much of anything about the story line, mainly because there isn't one, its just a scene. Which sounds like I'm saying its a bad thing- I'm not, I write similarly (just generally darker topics). Of course you say there will be more to it when you submit it, so it could not be a scene at all. Once again you have very natural dialogue and the interactions seem real, and highly possible. this story did, however, lack description. Not completely damning since lots of stories do, just something to consider adding.

A few technicals for you:

"the sand underneath our feet crunched as we walked to an, yet, undefined destination." This isn't a gramatically correct sentence. It should read "the sand underneath our feet crunched as we walked to an, yet, undefined destination."
The problem with that sentence is that it sounds a little awkward, I THINK you can just take out the commas and change 'an' to 'a' but I am not positive about the grammar there. I know commas are definitely wrong though.

"breaking the silence, her sudden stop putting us in an awkward position with me a good two steps ahead, and our hands still connected." two picks on this one. It should read "her sudden stop put" not 'putting'. Also 'a good' is another one of those phrases that sounds fine spoken, but awkward read. I reccomend against using it (except, of course, in dialogue). Oh I lied ,three picks. You don't need a comma before 'and' in this case it breaks up the flow of the sentence.

"a wide grin, now, spread across her face." there should be no comma before or after 'now' in this sentence, commas like that are used to insert a statement in to a sentence. For example "Her dog, which was brown in color, jumped over the fence". Now indicates time, doing this requires no comma. A trick for using comma's like that are, if you could subsitute the commas for brackets and it would still make sense, you can use them. Otherwise, they are not gramatically correct.

"Getting back to the business at hand," Unless this is used in dialogue, it should probably not show up in a story, as a general rule. There are exceptions, diary entries. This can sometimes be used in a story in first person, but only when the narrator digressed from the telling of the story. the mockery was part of the story, and therefore that sentence makes no sense.

"Inside were a green air mattress," although there are many things inside, it should still be was, not were.

"before our lips could meet she pulled," might want the word 'away' or 'back' after that line

[howlfjdks]

I like it. Great melody of conversation and interaction between the two. Love the environment you created.

This is sooo cute! :) Very adorable :D

[MiaIntheSkywithDiamonds]

very adorable :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I don't know. On a beach and taking a swim. A young man desire. The ocean is mighty cold. I like the set-up and feel of the story. We need to surprise our special people. Make life a lot sweeter. A excellent poem. Thank you.
Coyote