The beginning

Tales of Dee

By Alexander Brewer

 

Chapter 1

 

            Destruction has always followed his steps as a never ending chorus of death and misery. Even so, he tries to fight against the twistedness of the world and protect it. Always, and always seeking her.

 

 

            A company of elven soldiers were escorting their princess to a safe house in the mountains. They were the last of their family unfortunately thanks to many invading goblin and orc tribes from the east. All seemed to be going well so far.

            “How goes the patrol?” The princess asked a female soldier nearby from inside her carriage.

            “It goes well so far Princess Venzlarin.” The soldier answered politely but kept alert.

            “Are you alright?” The princess asked nicely.

            “Don’t worry about me Princess.” She answered. “You’re safety is all that matters.

            “Don’t worry Tashia, I’m sure it will go-“ She began but stopped as an arrow just hit the carriage right next to her head. Suddenly a volley of arrows rained down on them! A few were hit but other soldiers quickly drew their swords and bows and began fighting back. Tashia drew her sword and looked around quickly.

            “Why couldn’t we hear them?” A soldier yelled out.

            “They must have a shaman cast a silencing spell on them! Keep your eyes open!” The commander yelled. Then used hand signals to point out a strategy. The others obeyed and a few took up concealed locations while others with shields stayed out in the open. Tashia was among them. After a several minutes of silence they began wondering what’s going on.

            “Where are they?” Tashia whispered.

            “Keep alert.” The commander whispered back. He thought about their position for a few moments then signaled one of the soldiers to begin moving the carriage. The soldiers hidden around them moved from place to place to keep up with them. The commander knew if that if the enemy had a catapult somewhere then they’d need to get a clear shot and if they kept moving then they might be able to spot it. Suddenly arrows began raining down on them again and they managed to repel the arrows. The ground began to shake and they heard yelling from the woods around them. Orc warriors charged from the trees and attacked. Tashia raised her weapon but an arrow came down and struck her in the stomach. She snapped back of the arrow and tried to fight anyway. An orc rushed her but she dodged his sword then impaled him. Another then caught her by surprise and bashed her away with his shield. She flew back and smashed into the carriage. Tashia couldn’t get up from the hit. Then she saw her allies in the trees being attacked and being slain.

            “N-no…” She tried to yell out but her voice could barely travel. The commander then was impaled on a pike and thrown aside. This was a slaughter. Everyone was being butchered and Tashia couldn’t do anything. She then looked to the door of the carriage and feared for the Princess. “P-please run…” Tashia managed to yell out. The door suddenly opened and she saw the Princess fall out headless. Tashia was in shock. Then an Orc jumped out of the Carriage with her head in hand and held it up proud.

            “The Venzlarin are no more! Now their land will be ours!” The Orc yelled out with pride.

            “Such a waste of a beautiful elf, don’t you think?” An orc said drooling while looking over the Princess’s remains.

            “Wait, look here!” Another orc said pointing to Tashia. “That one’s still alive!” Many of the others looked pleased.

            “Can we kill her?” Another one asked.

            “Not immediately, we’ll have some fun first.” The Orc with the Princess’s head said with a drooling grin on his face. Tashia was terrified. She knew this would be the end, she only hoped that when she passes on she’ll be with her people.

            Suddenly one of the orcs cried out in pain as his arm fell to the ground. “What?!” Another orc yelled. Then a man appeared on the carriage. He was hooded and wore a mask. The orcs drew their weapons. The man had two swords drawn. He jumped off and attacked them, moving faster than any of them could follow. The man effortlessly slashed his way through the Orcs left and right until all that’s left was the one holding the Princess’s head.

            “What?! What are you?” The Orc yelled in fear.

            “I am Dee.” The man answered. Then he slashed the orc’s hand off and he caught the Princess’s head and placed it softly with her body. “May your rest be peaceful.” Dee looked and saw Tashia alive. He checked to see if she was alright. The Orc enraged tried to attack Dee from behind.

            “Look out!” Tashia tried to yell out but all that came out was a whisper but it didn’t matter. Dee had caught the blade without even looking. Tashia was amazed. Dee then broke the blade with just his hand then took the broken half and stuck it through the Orc’s head. Then it was finally over. Dee managed to help Tashia to her feet then began digging graves for the dead. Tashia couldn’t move. All that had just happened. Only just a little while ago she had been talking with her Princess and now they’re all dead. “I’m the last of the Venzlarin line…” She said regretfully to herself then broke down weeping. Dee looked over to her and felt for her loss. Once the graves were dug, Dee placed the bodies gently in them and buried them. He pulled some seeds from his bag and planted them over the graves.

            “Syllia flowers, those befit a Princess and her loyal guards in the end.” Dee said nicely and kneeled in respect. Tashia looked over the graves in sorrow. Dee looked over the supplies from the Carriage to see if Tashia would be alright with what’s left. He then began to walk away.

            “Wait!” Tashia called out to him. He stopped and looked at her. “Please take me with you!”

            “I can’t do that.” Dee answered.

            “Please!” Tashia begged. “I have nothing left.” Dee could see she her plight. He considered it.

            “Alright.” Dee answered then walked back to her. He helped her get some supplies from the Carriage and they departed.

Reviews

[Darkimmortal]

Okay, so first i am going to hit you with some grammar, I know I suck but it has to be done. "You’re safety is all that matters." You missed the end quotation and you also used the wrong form of "your". "Suddenly arrows began raining down on them again and they managed to repel the arrows." You used the same word twice, you should change or omit one of them. "Then used hand signals to point out a strategy." This is a fragment, and also kind of pointless because they are being attacked and there is not much time to do such a thing. "She snapped back of the arrow and tried to fight anyway." This sentence makes no sense, but I think you meant "she snapped the back off the arrow." "hen she saw her allies in the trees being attacked and being slain." Another repetitive word snuck in there, "“P-please run…” Tashia managed to yell out." When you use three dots like that the voice is trailing off, and you have her yelling that, doesn't quite make sense. "She knew this would be the end, she only hoped that when she passes on she’ll be with her people." Passes is in a different tense than you have been using for the whole story. "All that had just happened." Another fragment.. "Dee looked over the supplies from the Carriage to see if Tashia would be alright with what’s left." Carriage should not be capitalized and it should be "what was" instead of what is. " Dee could see she her plight." And that sentence makes no sense. There is also a chance that there may be things that I missed, so it is obvious that a good proofread and edit are in order for this story.

Okay grammar over now let's get down to the details. First of all, this story is a very good backbone, but that is it. Frankly stories that say "he did this and she did that" are not what you should be aiming for. However, do not be dissuaded in any way from writing because I used to write exactly like this and as they say practice makes perfect. So here are some tips that I am going to give you:

First of all: You need to describe where the characters are. It is easy to say that they are on their way somewhere and they have a princess in a carriage, but you can really use the scenery to fit the mood. Also, because this seems to be the first chapter of a book you need to explain to the reader what magical world you have taken them to. Frankly, they could be on Mars for all I know. So describe where they are and what they are doing.

Secondly, characters if you are going to use someone in a story, be sure to let us the readers know what this person looks like. Do they have blond hair, teeth, eyes are they even human? I haven't the foggiest of ideas. And even minor characters need a tiny amount of description. For example i cannot be terrified of the orcs if you do not paint a terrifying image of them into my brain.

Third, action scenes are tricky and most people find that they are hard to write. However, I find that if you are writing an action scene SHORT SENTENCES ARE BAD. When you use a lot of short sentences they break up the flow of the reading and it makes it all like a puppet show in my brain. For example. "He swung his sword. She ducked, then tackled him." Is okay, i know what is happening but if you said "He raised his sword above his head and brought it down quickly, aiming to bury it deep into her skull. She bent backwards quickly, feeling the razor edge pass a few millimetres from her face. The man turned, the momentum turning him away from her and exposing his side, leaving it open for attack. At that moment she sprung, coiling her muscles and throwing all of her weight at him, slamming into his side and sending them both careening to the ground." It just makes it smoother and a lot more fun to read.

Finally, description is always your best friend. Describe carriage, the armour, the path, the weapons, the bows, the walking pace.. Everything that you think is relevant. However, don't focus too much on one particular thing or the reader will lose interest.

Okay, so all in all, this needs a lot of work, but in the end you have the potential of having a really interesting read here. Again, do not be dissuaded by what I have said because I am not a perfect writer either, and I am always willing to hear people's advice for my writing. So, give this a good edit, and feel free to message me when you are done because I am only here to help.

[C. Rose]

I assume Orcs are dumb. I was surprised to hear an Orc say "immediately".
The sentence " A company of elven soldiers were escorting their princess to a safe house in the mountains" felt like telling. It is important to avoid telling in introductions.
"He checked to see if she was alright" is telling.
When Dee feels for Tashia's loss, this is a POV shift. Same with "to see if [she] would be alright with what's left"
I recommend starting a new paragraph when the graves are dug.
"I can't do that" sounds so final, yet he is dissuaded with five words from Tashia? Could Tashia make more of a case for herself perhaps? Or maybe Dee could say 'on one condition', then I would find the interaction more believable.

[C. Rose]

I have an exercise for you! :D

Ctrl F or command F for Mac users - this opens the find box. Type in "then". The 23 thens in your piece will be highlighted. I recommend you cut back.

[C. Rose]

Scratch that 19. Did I invite you to The Open Book group?

[C. Rose]

(“You’re safety is all that matters.) Incorrect form of "You're" and missing end quotation mark.
But I see that dark immortal already went through grammar with you 3 weeks ago.

You hooked me with your description and the tense scenario, but I'll wait for you to consider darkimmortal's well thought out macro-review first in order to avoid repeating the same things.

I don't agree with "SHORT SENTENCES ARE BAD". My personal belief is that sentence length variation is the key.

Read request me again once you've fixed the grammar pointed out by darkimmortal and at least considered revising their other points.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good opening chapter. You put a lot into the chapter. I like the characters and the situation. The battle scene was well-written. It was a sad ending for the Princess and he guards. The story brought me in and I wanted to read more. A very good opening chapter.
Coyote