The Care Giver

A Poem by zion

a poem about my life in ten years helping someone in the final stages of life.

I stayed. they left, and I stayed--For her.

She never did like being alone.

They left, as they pursued countless dreams, of sonnets and dancing, exploring endless worlds far beyond the battered fences of my childhood. I stayed.

Jotting down the desires of my own hopeful heart and being, in the few pages of note books hauled away in a secret place I only knew.

This too shall pass. she had so often recited to me ,whenever something was too hard to bare.

I never understood. How could I? something took hold. until her bones were breaking, her soul was shaking. morphing and bending and molding her into something I did not recognize.

They left.

They did not see.

the all consuming loneliness burrowing into her. She did not like being alone.

Her tender heart that burned so bright, grew dim, and cold I tried to fight, to reignite her. but was met with embers.

As my staying was, mistaken for tedious efforts of a life well wasted, and eager mouths in sighting, and reminding. That i was doing nothing.

It wasn't true.

My sleepless nights were spent on couches. Listening, waiting. making sure she was simply--breathing. Eating and drinking, suffering and screaming and crying.

Hoping upon hope she could see I was trying.

Trying.

to turn the accusing words into the encouraging notes of that warm heart long ago. To make the creases form into curve uplifting. To coax out a story I had heard so many times before, I sat and waited, listened and waited. And desperately seeking more but...

Nothing.

As exhaustion settled, I willed myself, looked passed her attacking and became what she was lacking. Even when she was not sitting and gave way into falling

I tried to keep her from falling. Because I knew what that meant.

A flicker show of memories well spent.

They left.

Then came back, they thought that they were helping, there words like cadavers ripping me apart. Behind closed doors and comforting darkness.

They did not see the disarray of my heart.

They left and so did we.

As we approached, the place unspoken both of us knew the promise broken. And as she walked, fate giving us no choice.

I fought the clawing words that I wanted to desperately voice.

I stayed and watched her spirit wilt. As I pick up the shattered pieces of the life we had built.

Suffocating and choking on mind numbing guilt.

Begged God for repentance as I handed her a life sentence.

Anyone could see, she did not deserve.