Are you dreaming? (Alternative)

Are you dreaming?

O angel of dreams,

Where have you been?

Clipping your wings and remaining unseen.

 

The world's falling down;

You float on the ground,

Searching for something you've already found.

 

You scatter your thoughts,

Trying to find

The meaning of something that you left behind.

 

Where have you been

When it was snowing

Fragments of dreams that have not been growing?

 

Time's slowing down;

You sprawl on the ground

Hoping for someone when no one's around.

 

You've lost all your friends;

There's no one to care.

Why don't you laugh now, for life is unfair?

 

Why don't you sing?

Why don't you play?

Why don't you laugh all your troubles away?

 

Where has he gone?

Why don't you smile?

Why don't you close both your eyes for a while?

 

Now wipe your tears,

Give me your hand,

I'll pull you away from these murky sands.

 

Oh angel of dreams,

Stop dreaming of pain.

For all is forgiven; Start breathing again.

Author's Note

I had two ideas in mind while writing "Are you dreaming", and I thought both were good enough to warrant two different poems. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, though. Please help.

Reviews

[Alana]

Hm. Well, because I'm a terrible person, I love angst to no end. I personally saw a glimmer of hope in your other version within the final line. I also believed that the end somehow conveyed that it was up to the angel on whether or not they would begin the journey of healing.
In this poem, I feel as if the angel is being... assisted more. More weight is being supported on the narrator. Either way it's a good message. In the original, it seems as if it's a message of self-sufficience and strength. Will or will not the angel grow from the experience? In this, I feel as if the angel is learning to trust and depend on another after being hurt, only the ending is no longer ambiguous. There is a note of certainty that the angel will succeed.
Anyway, both endings convey important lessons in my opinion, though I'm not sure how one could go about intertwining them.
Sorry, this probably didn't help at all D:

[♍ Kirstin ♎]

Why not try to mix the two poems in a way that makes them one but (say you used two different colours: blue and black - as an example) if one were to read blue on it's own they'd see this version and black would be the other? (Sorry is this makes no sence, it's hard to explain what I mean)

[Fabian G. Franklin]

"And I patched up your broken wing and hung around for a while
Trying to keep your spirits up and your fever down
I knew someday that you would fly away
For love's the greatest healer to be found
So leave me if you need to I will still remember an
Angel flying too close to the ground" Willie Nelson

This made me think of this song...so thanks to you, I now play this on guitar. :o) I always did like this song though. Your poem was great.

[Tate Morgan]

your dreams and poems are teaching me about meter They have a tech to them

[FlawedByDesign]

Having read both versions, I'll bring up the same point about the 3rd line in the 2nd stanza and the 2nd line in the 3rd stanza.

I'll agree with previous reviews, in that this 2nd version has a better ending :)
And I think Linda is on to something with the comment about "murky sands."

[Kailani]

Amazing write! I have read both versions, and each one has a beautiful meaning. Both have strong endings and strong content over-all, but personally I like that second version a slight bit more for it has the happier ending.

I agree with Linda Marie Van Tassel on the "murky sands" part, and rather like her alternate verse.

I urge you to keep both versions up, as they each are splendidly brilliant in their own way. The over all outlook in both poems is touching and extrodinarily beautiful. I like the deeper meaning that I sense in these pieces of work and enjoy the easy flow of the words and the excellent word choice. The stanzas are perfectly worded, (with the exception of the "Murky sands" part in the second version), and the rhyme scheme is lovely.

Brilliant! Keep up the writing!

~Kailani

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I have read both versions of "Are you dreaming?" I think the overall content of the original version is stronger, while the ending of the alternative version is stronger. No matter how sad or bleak a poem is, I always prefer to give a glimmer of light and hope at the end.

The only thing that didn't sound right to me was the "murky sands."

How about:

Now wipe your tears,
Give me your hand,
trust in the one who will help you to stand.

[Awdures]

Oh I much prefer this ending *applauds* but I'm such a sucker for a happy one!

[Coyote Poetry]

Sometimes even Angels need to be saved. A powerful poem. I like the center lines. Made the poem strong and have purpose. A outstanding poem. Thank you for sharing.
Coyote