chapter 1

As she waved her mom goodbye, feeling sad and worried about the situation. Her mom was pretty confident in the treatment. Her mom, Patrisha was facing breast cancer for a while now and the doctor advised them to take better treatment immediately. Patrisha’s daughter was all she had, her brother, Derek, was out of state and is long distant, her husband, John, died few years ago. Jane was the name of her beautiful daughter, she was a very religious 18 year old. Patrisha on the other hand wasn’t that religious, she had a very complicated personality. Jane prayed all day for this treatment to go well, she wasn’t sure what would actually happen in the end. This was the first time Jane wasn’t actually prepared for something in her life. The clock turned five, the treatment was about to start. Just two minutes after it started, the nurse came  running to her said ’someone named Derek was calling to see her mother’. Jane emotions tipped of all at once.

Yes, it was her uncle Derek, holding a bouquet of flowers. This hospital was very particular about the visiting timings. So he couldn’t come in, and made a really big fuss about it to the nurse. Derek saw Jane, she was furious at the time, as her uncle wasn’t always there for her mother or her, and suddenly he just wants in, in her life. Jane wasn’t going to let that happen. She walked right up to him, before she could say anything, Derek held her hand and said ‘I am really sorry for the acts that I have done in my past but I am here to fix things right. As soon as I heard Patrisha was actually deciding to go with the treatment, I wanted to support her, where is she? Can I see her?

Jane didn’t believe what he had said, Jane replied, ‘No you cannot, she has already entered her room, and you can’t just come here after all the pain you have caused her, coming her I think, was a mistake. But what she didn’t know about her uncle was that he never takes ‘no’ for an answer. Derek continued ‘ I know what I have done to her, but for me, I don’t think I can turn back now and put my back on my sister, not again at least, as I said fixing things right is all I want , and I hope u can try and forgive me’. Jane speechlessly turn around and walked away. Derek needed to get in and he tried to but he couldn’t, as the nurse wouldn’t let him. The nurse firmly said ‘No visitors after 4’. Come back later, after 8’. He was pretty disturbed as Jane didn’t forgive him and he couldn’t see Patrisha. After she walked away, Jane sat outside the treatment room, and she began thinking. Jane always had a reason for her actions unlike her mom and her uncle. Jane knew Derek wouldn’t come to just meet his sister, She didn’t believe anything what he had said about fixing things right and obviously didn’t forgive him. He wanted something from his sister that he had to come all the way to meet her and suddenly be nice to her, a million thoughts came to her mind. But she knew she wasn’t supposed to think about her uncle and had to focus for the best to happen for her mother, and that’s she did. She couldn’t just sit there, so she went out and started walking to the church. Her uncle on the other hand was outside the hospital in his car, he saw Jane go outside and he followed her. Jane had nothing in her mind except her mom. She reached the nearest church and walked in , Derek followed her secretly without making a single sound, the church was empty . Jane went on to the first bench and started crying and praying loudly. She went on her knees and prayed with all her heart. Derek took the advantage of the church being empty. Derek silently went behind her and sat. Jane heard a noise and turned back, she saw him and she stood up immediately.

 She asked him ‘Why are u here?

 He said ‘the same reason u are’

 Jane asked loudly again ‘No, why are u really here, in Albuquerque. Why come to see her, when u had 13 years to make a move’ He laughed, Jane was scared, again a million thoughts rushed in her mind.

He said ‘Really, you are going to use that against me. I guess now you found out that I am not really here for your mother, and I really don’t care that she is in the hospital. But i need to talk to her, and I plan on going to, and u are not going to ever be behind it. Heard me?’ 

Just then Jane remembered a quick flashback to her childhood, where she was just 5 and a half years old, Derek and Patrisha having a very serious argument and ended up he trying to kill her .After that Derek started walking away from her.

 Jane screamed ‘I am not going to let that happen, you aren’t going to see her ‘.

Derek replied ‘let’s see about that ‘and he exited the church to his car, and drove away.

End of chapter 1.

Reviews

[Jack O]

Ok. This is my third attempt to reply to your story. Writers cafe is a very buggy website. Far too many adds.
Anyway, as to what you wrote. I'd like to offer you some simple tips. Numbers are always written out. 13 is always thirteen. U is always you. Don't use text type in a story. In thoughts never conjugate. I don't like him - in a characters thought is I do not like him. Ex; "Hi Thomas," I said. I knew I did not like him. Not didn't.

As for your writing. I understand what you have posted. She is Jane. First paragraph?

As she waved her mom goodbye, feeling sad and worried about the situation. Her mom was pretty confident in the treatment. Her mom, Patrisha was facing breast cancer for a while now and the doctor advised them to take better treatment immediately.

Who is she?
Perhaps type, Jane waved goodbye to her mother and felt sad. She was worried about the situation her mom (mother) was in and she tried to keep a strong face. Her mother, Patrisha was facing breast cancer . .. .

I hope you do not think I am tearing your work apart. I promise I am not. I would not comment to what you wrote if I thought it was not good. I like what you have written. I just think it needs a little clarity and editing. Take care