Sleep Soundly

A short story inspired by the song "Ronan" by Taylor Swift.

"Hold on, sweetie, you'll be out of here in no time," she assures her son as she strokes his cheek. "We'll be home any day now, where you'll be reunited with your favorite toys, walking around barefoot in your favorite pajamas, and sleeping comfortably in your own bed. We'll get through this..we'll get through this," she says, not only trying to comfort him, but herself as well. A silent tear sneaks down her own cheek, followed by several others. 

He's four years old. He has his whole life ahead of him. With his dark brown hair and deep blue eyes, he's a beautiful boy that's had problems all his life. Why should he be faced with this at such a young age? What kind of god would do this, to me, to my son, to anyone? He'll get through this. He has to. He's all I have.

A shy knock on the door, and then:

"We have a few updates for you, Miss." She speaks quietly, as if something's wrong. The mother jumps out of her chair beside her son's bed and asks, "what, what is it?"

"The test results came in. Your son has cancer. It's infected parts of his brain that we can't touch. Ma'am, your son isn't going to make it. The cancer's been there longer than we suspected. I'm sorry, Miss, but tonight may be your last night with your boy. I am truly sorry.."

She stares blankly at the nurse, as if the life was being drained out of her and not her son. Her eyes widen and then narrow. She sinks back into her chair and begins to sob uncontrollably. She picks her head up from her lap and takes her son's hand. The nurse leaves quietly.

Moments later, the boy wakes from a nap to find his mother by his side.

"Hello, sweetie. How did you sleep?"

He rubs his sleepy eyes and nods, as if to assure her that he slept well.

"I love you. I love you sooo much. I love you more than anything and anyone, and I always will. You're my world, little guy. You've been my world since the day you were brought into my life. You're the best thing that's ever happened to Mommy." 

He takes her hand and wraps his little fingers around her pinky. The boy begins to doze off, followed shortly after by his mother.

Hours later, the mother wakes up to find that her son is still sleeping, his hand still in hers. She sits, staring at him, knowing any moment could be his last. She cries soflty to herself, telling herself that, if there is a God, he will save her boy. The monitor that's been tracking her son's heartbeat begins to slow. She stares at the monitor, waiting for the line to stable out, for the beeps to pick back up to their regular speed, but they don't. Instead, they slow down further. She wonders if she should call for help, but before she has a chance, the occasional beeping turns into one solid beep, the line a flat one. She looks down at her son and notices his chest is no longer rising and falling. She raises his hand to her lips and kisses it gently. She begins to cry, and then kisses his forehead. 

"Sleep soundly, my sweet angel," she whispers as she lays her head on his chest.

Reviews

[Somber Eyes]

Oh damn you, woman, you actually brought tears to my eyes. This is a very well-written, emotional piece. It's a tale that a lot of people can relate to nowadays, and one that any compassionate person can empathize with. The mother's sadness is palpable, and the visuals are so tight and descriptive that you can easily replay this in your head as if it were a scene from a movie.

To me, this was conceptually and emotionally perfect. In terms of technical writing, there are some minor mistakes (an extra comma or period here and there, a slip in the verb tense, etc), but certainly nothing that detracts from the story or readability (and I'm quite sensitive to such things). If you wanted this to be published in a mass-marketed book, it might need a bit of polishing, such as maybe changing "A shy knock on the door, and then:" to something like "A shy knock is heard, and a nurse enters the room as the mother looks toward the door." But again, these are (to me) minor issues.

Well done, my dear. Your talent is truly undeniable, and I shall eagerly await any literary morsels you throw our way.

[Kelsey]

Wow, thank you so much. I'm really glad the desired effect was portrayed well enough to bring tears to your eyes. I'm sure there are plenty of grammatical mistakes that I've yet to fix, but quite honestly, it was written a bit hastily after listening to the song for the first time. Thank you again, it means a lot.

[Somber Eyes]

I just submitted my review of this story, and I don't really want to rant about other reviews, but I can't sit by silently and let false, ignorant reviews discourage your writing...

Completely ignore johndvictor's review. Your usage is absolutely correct in the "she says" sentence, and your story is not in the past (I don't know why a reader would think that), so your verb tense is, in fact, correct (except for one slip up where you used the past tense -- "as if the life was being drained"). As for the god thing... Not all of us are religious, and even (or especially) for those that are, it is common (and I would go so far as to say natural) to ask these questions in situations such as this. It is natural to question how a supposedly loving, omnipotent, all-powerful being could allow such pain and sadness in this world, especially when the victim is an innocent child. It isn't meant as offense; it is simply someone trying to understand that which they do not. The quest for knowledge and understanding should never be seen as offensive.

As for Bayandur Pogosyan's review... Are you seriously pointing to Wikipedia --"the encyclopedia the ANYONE CAN EDIT" -- as a source of knowledge and writing instruction? By doing so, you've illustrated such an unbelievable level if ignorance and stupidity that I will never be able to take anything you say seriously. Also, you may not be able to discern it, but the fact that something happens with great frequency does not make it cliche. As for adverbs, there really weren't many that I saw. I saw a lot of adjectives, but not many adverbs. And really, you're pointing to Stephen King as the authority on writing? What a sad day for literature. Selling a lot of books does not equate to good writing; it just means that the public will lap up anything you throw at them.

[Kelsey]

Oh goodness, thank you so much for defending my writing and I. I'm aware that there are mistakes in the piece, I just haven't taken the time to find and correct them. The thing is, I don't put my writing out there for people to critisize harshly, only honestly, so when things are pointed out in a rude manner, they are, quite honestly, ignored. I appreciate anyone taking the time to attempt to be helpful, but doing so rudely is unnecessary. I thank you for your time, thoughts, and honesty.

[Butters]

This is really good. On a side note, reading other's comments, I thought the verb tense was correct. It reads like it's happening in the present, not the past. If that's the case it shouldn't be changed. I thought it was very descriptive and the emotions were properly portrayed. Good job!!

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much, it means a lot.

[The Invisible Girl]

Very touching and well-written! Nice job. Can't wait to read more of your work! :)

[Kelsey]

Wow, thank you! (:

[Quiet_Sunset]

Well....i must say u've made me a fan of your writing.
Thanks 4 another great read ! :) :)

[Kelsey]

That means a lot, thank you! :)

[Albarrak]

Hello Kelsey ,

First ; We'll get through this..we'll get through this," she says, not only trying to comfort him .

Note ;-
1. you must use point not a comma . in " she says . " to clarify that sentence ended.
2. the stroy in past , and you are using present verb .
" she said not says ".
The correct sentence will be ; she said . And when she said that ........

Another note ; What kind of god would do this . you forget this " ? " . To be honestly, not that what i want to tell you about , even ,if it's impatant to using the question mark. What i want to say that you know , when we used that kind of question , that mean two things , cynicism or dissatisfaction. Kelsey , you can't talk to God like that , that's wrong , i know you didn't mean this , but in future try to avoided that kind of words when talk to God . " It's advise NOT order , and it's up to you take it or leave it " .

That all i have , hope it's usefull .

my best wishs for you .

[Kelsey]

That's how some people handle the situation, asking God why he would put them through such a thing. I was trying to keep it realistic. Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate it.

[Whitney Kleinhuizen]

Sad...so very very sad. I don't even know what more to say besides touching and sad. Despite that, it was very well written. Definitely hits the heart with emotion.

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much, it means a lot coming from such a talented writer.

[Heather]

this is such a touchy story.. it makes you think about taking what you already have for granted and appreciate it.. keep writing this is amazing :)

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much. (:

[Heather]

no problem :)
U have some reall nice talent

[Bayandur Pogosyan]

Stephen King wrote in his book "On Writing", "The road to hell is paved with adverbs", and I agree with the statement. Also I'd suggest that the writer reads the Wikipedia entry on "cliche".

Her work would benefit from these two things.

[Kelsey]

I'm sorry you felt it cliche. I'm actually rather happy with how it turned out for such a quick writing, but thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

[Tabitha t]

since when is cliche a bad thing? I personally felt this was a nice read. ive read "on writing" and I think she didnt step across any invisible line.

[Kelsey]

Thank you, that means a lot.

[Bayandur Pogosyan]

Tabitha, cliche is defined as an expression overused so much that it has lost its strength. It gives the work some trivial and amateur air.

About "On Writing", I think you weren't paying attention, or you'd see many lines crossed.

Kelsey, I know it might not be the most pleasant thing hearing such criticism for a poem you clearly enjoyed writing; if you're happy with it and you have no ambition for a poet's career, you can disregard my criticism, you do not need it as long as you're happy with your own writing. But if you want a professional writing career, you'd better be a bit more critical.

[Kelsey]

I respect your opinion, and I'd be more than willing to listen to anything further you have to say, or any other suggestions. I will, of course, try to work on them where I feel necessary. Constructive criticism is appreciated, even more so when stated politely.

[Bayandur Pogosyan]

:) maybe this tool will be helpful to you. you don't have to agree with everything it says, but give it a spin every time you write something, it's good to have a machine's point of view on what you're doing.
http://www.paperrater.com/

[Kelsey]

Thank you, I'll definitely do that. :)

[Jack Reaper]

perhaps you should "on writing" again and maybe pay closer attention, as Mr. King does not denounce the use of adverbs, simply his opinion of over-using them. if you read any of his novels, they all contain them. afterall, theyre a part of the english language for a reason

[Danielle]

Wow! So short, yet.. What a touching and emotional story! It made me cry for a moment there.

[Kelsey]

Thank you! (: