The Promise

A Story by Amaya Sullivan

Marc is in the last year of college, and visits his little sister who is in the care of a family friend. He visits her on Spring Break, but their time has come to an end...

"Do you have to go?" a high pitch Minnie mouse voice followed by a tug at Marc’s coat. Marc turned around to meet his little sister, standing in her bright yellow rain boots with matching raincoat. He recalled buying them for her birthday a couple months back. She was adamant about buying those boots. He tried convincing her of nice yellow dress instead.

The sound of a car speeding down the street yanked him from his memory. Marc watched his cab pulling to the driveway. "Elise, I’ll be back. I promise." He smiled sweetly. He never knew leaving would be hard this time around. Spring term would be starting tomorrow with a full schedule. Thankfully, it was his last semester.

“And then"we’re going see the fireworks this summer"right?” she asks as if her squeaky voice could crack anymore. She knew she’d cry. She’s only five. Marc glances at the cab driver tapping the meter. He realized time to make this short and sweet.

Setting his leather bag on the damp cement, he squatted down to her eye level. “I promise.” He started holding his arms out. Elise took the invitation wrapping her tiny arms around his neck for one last hug. “We will go see the fireworks after having all the watermelon we want.” He whispered before pulling her away. Amazed how she wasn’t wailing like last time. “While I’m gone, you have to obey Ms. Reynolds, pinkie promise?”

Elise stared into her brother’s brown eyes searching for truth to his word. After wiping the tears from her tiny cheeks, she stuck out her pinkie finger grabbed hold of his. “I promise!” she shook his finger.

Marc smiled, “Alright.”

Elise watched him grab his bag, opening the door of bright cab. Placing his bag inside before he entered, he began talking with the driver. She watched him reading something off a piece of paper.

Smiling after the short conversation, Marc glanced out the window and waved at his sister. The cab driver began backing out onto the street. Elise started waving back chasing the cab to the end of the driveway.

“Elise!” a familiar voice called out, “Come eat your breakfast before it cools,” Ms. Reynolds stood in front of the wooden white screen door, wiping her hands on her floured-stained, teal apron. “Elise!”

Standing at the end of the driveway, she kept her eyes on the cab until it disappeared. She began walking toward the porch recalling her new promise with Marc.

Her teary hazel eyes lit up with a new attitude. “Ms. Reynolds!” she chimed running to the porch, “I'm a big girl now!” Elise shouted pushing her hair away, holding her back straight, lifting her head high. “Because, when Marc comes back, we’ll see all the fireworks!” she splashed in a puddle before reaching the steps.

Ms. Reynolds couldn't do anything, but laugh at the enthusiastic little girl. Elise stepped up the large blue steps, jumping onto the top step. She reached for the screen door leaving her wet footprints behind her. It opened with a belated familiar squeak. Ms. Reynolds was proud of her not crying so much this time around.

“Well, missy,” she began stifling her laughter, “Big girls clean their rooms. You can start after breakfast”

“Yes, ma’am!”

© 2013 Amaya Sullivan

Author's Note

Alright. My writing has graduated since I originally wrote this, so I'm giving it some TLC. Let me know what you think.

My Review

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Featured Review

Thomas C

Hi, Amaya. I read this story and liked it. It is a touching story.

Just as you pointed out the missing quote mark in my story, I find it necessary to point out a few things in your's, if you don't mind.

In the first paragraph, there is a long sentence fragment, an incomplete sentence. It is:

Watching his little sister standing in her bright yellow rain boots he had bought for her birthday last month.

Also in that part, there is an unnecessary word: "had". You don't need it.

As pointed out by Post Pen's review, you have some very long run-on sentences. Some of the sentences are TOO long. For instance:

“Elise, come eat your breakfast before it cools,” Ms. Reynolds’ calls out standing at the wooden white screen door as she wipes her hands on her floured-stained, blue apron, but the little brown haired girl ignores her waiting until she could no longer see the cab.

The apostrophe after the Ms. name should not be there. Is it of any importance to the story that the screen door is made of wood and white? No, not really. Punctuation is vitally important, and missing or incorrect punctuation can confuse the reader. For instance:

brown haired girl ignores her waiting

Ignores WHOSE waiting? Is someone waiting? By putting a comma after "girl", you clear it all up by writing "brown-haired girl ignores her, waiting until she could no longer see the cab." Now you are telling us the girl ignores the woman, because she is waiting. You see?

“And then…we can to go see the fireworks this summer…right?” she manages to ask through her tears as her forehead crinkles up at her own question waiting for her older brother's response.

The use of dots to show hesitation or an abrupt stop is incorrect. Dots are used to show some text has been taken from some other source, but not the complete text, only an excerpt of it, and the dots are called an ellipsis and are formatted "dot space dot space dot" like this:

". . .the space capsule was damaged. . ."

To show hesitation or an abrupt stop, you must use the "em" dash, which can be made by holding down the ALT key, hitting 0151, then releasing the ALT key, like this: "You—you—killed her?"

Additionally, that whole sentence above is much too wordy. It can be improved like this, for instance:

“And then—we can to go see the fireworks this summer—right?” she asks through tears, her brow wrinkled.

You've made your point, but are not much too wordy about it.

and grabs a hold of his.

I suggest deleting the "a" in that part above.

She smiles and waves back just as she always has during the last few months.

Compare my modification to that sentence to the one you wrote. You don't need all that follows it.

She begins marching in her sunshine yellow boots, splashing in the puddles along the way with her back straight and head held high.

There needs to be a comma after "boots", as I've indicated above. What follows "boots" is a modifier. It is modifying/describing the little girl's marching, so you need to set it off with a comma.

As the screen door opens with a belated yet familiar squeak as always, Ms. Reynolds chuckles even more by her new sense of determination.

I don't understand "belated". And WHOSE determination? Ms. Reynold's or the girl's? Rewrite below:

As Ms. Reynolds opens the squeaky screen door, she laughs again at the little girl's new sense of determination.

Lastly, it should be written: Yes, ma'am. It is like writing "Yes, sir", "Yes, Johnathon" and so on.

Overall, again it is a good story, but much too wordy, sentences too long, and the missing punctuation tends to make it confusing.

You just need to work on the mechanics, a bit.

I hope you find this review to be helpful. It is meant to be constructive.

Thomas C.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago

Hi, Amaya. I read this story and liked it. It is a touching story.

Just as you pointed out the missing quote mark in my story, I find it necessary to point out a few things in your's, if you don't mind.

In the first paragraph, there is a long sentence fragment, an incomplete sentence. It is:

Watching his little sister standing in her bright yellow rain boots he had bought for her birthday last month.

Also in that part, there is an unnecessary word: "had". You don't need it.

As pointed out by Post Pen's review, you have some very long run-on sentences. Some of the sentences are TOO long. For instance:

“Elise, come eat your breakfast before it cools,” Ms. Reynolds’ calls out standing at the wooden white screen door as she wipes her hands on her floured-stained, blue apron, but the little brown haired girl ignores her waiting until she could no longer see the cab.

The apostrophe after the Ms. name should not be there. Is it of any importance to the story that the screen door is made of wood and white? No, not really. Punctuation is vitally important, and missing or incorrect punctuation can confuse the reader. For instance:

brown haired girl ignores her waiting

Ignores WHOSE waiting? Is someone waiting? By putting a comma after "girl", you clear it all up by writing "brown-haired girl ignores her, waiting until she could no longer see the cab."  Now you are telling us the girl ignores the woman, because she is waiting. You see?

“And then…we can to go see the fireworks this summer…right?” she manages to ask through her tears as her forehead crinkles up at her own question waiting for her older brother's response.

The use of dots to show hesitation or an abrupt stop is incorrect. Dots are used to show some text has been taken from some other source, but not the complete text, only an excerpt of it, and the dots are called an ellipsis and are formatted "dot space dot space dot" like this:

". . .the space capsule was damaged. . ."

To show hesitation or an abrupt stop, you must use the "em" dash, which can be made by holding down the ALT key, hitting 0151, then releasing the ALT key, like this: "You—you—killed her?"

Additionally, that whole sentence above is much too wordy. It can be improved like this, for instance:

“And then—we can to go see the fireworks this summer—right?” she asks through tears, her brow wrinkled.

You've made your point, but are not much too wordy about it.

and grabs a hold of his.

I suggest deleting the "a" in that part above.

She smiles and waves back just as she always has during the last few months.

Compare my modification to that sentence to the one you wrote. You don't need all that follows it.

She begins marching in her sunshine yellow boots, splashing in the puddles along the way with her back straight and head held high.

There needs to be a comma after "boots", as I've indicated above. What follows "boots" is a modifier. It is modifying/describing the little girl's marching, so you need to set it off with a comma.

As the screen door opens with a belated yet familiar squeak as always, Ms. Reynolds chuckles even more by her new sense of determination.

I don't understand "belated". And WHOSE determination? Ms. Reynold's or the girl's? Rewrite below:

As Ms. Reynolds opens the squeaky screen door, she laughs again at the little girl's new sense of determination.

Lastly, it should be written: Yes, ma'am.  It is like writing "Yes, sir", "Yes, Johnathon" and so on.

Overall, again it is a good story, but much too wordy, sentences too long, and the missing punctuation tends to make it confusing.

You just need to work on the mechanics, a bit.

I hope you find this review to be helpful. It is meant to be constructive.

Thomas C.

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

10 Years Ago

Thanks for the thorough review. This is a very rough little story. I haven't had the chance to re-wr.. read more

Reviews

Shine Storm

Your writing style is interesting. Good structure, Amaya.

Posted 10 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

10 Years Ago

Thanks for reading!